The Connection Between Workplace Bullying, Health and Home Life

A new study measures how bullies affect families.

The study involved 280 full-time employees and their spouses. Participants were asked how often supervisors behaved badly. In particular, the survey rated responses to statements such as "Puts me down in front of others," and "Tells me I'm incompetent."

Participants also rated statements about their home lives. Examples of the statements measured included, "Our family can express feelings to each other," and "Our family is able to make decisions about how to solve problems." Spouses were asked how often they were "Irritated or resentful about things your (husband/wife/partner) did or didn't do," or "Felt tense from fighting arguing or disagreeing with your (husband/wife/partner)."

Results show that while employees with bad bosses did not report problems with their families, their spouses often did. Employees who had bad bosses experienced more blow-ups between husbands and wives and had families that failed to communicate well. Dawn Carlson, the study's lead author and a professor of management and the H.R. Gibson Chair of Organizational Development at the Hankamer School of Business at Baylor University, explains the fallout of abusive behavior at work. According to Carlson, "It spills over and affects our families . . . . It translates into tensions with your spouse. And that leads to poor family functioning." Linda Carroll, "Your boss may be ruining your marriage," www.lifeinc.today.msnbc.msn.com (Dec. 12, 2011).

Commentary and Checklist

The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH) recognizes job stress as an area of growing concern in occupational safety and health. Job stress can trigger various stress-related disorders including depression, anxiety, dissatisfaction, fatigue, tension, aggression, lack of concentration and memory problems.

In addition, according to the new study described above, the stress of workplace bullying can take a toll on marriages and family life.

Employers wishing to curtail bullying must create an atmosphere where bullying is not accepted and provide a means for employees to report bullying without fear of retaliation for doing so. In the employment relationship, managers and supervisors are the persons in power and are the most likely to bully employees.

However, just because a manager is strict or demanding does not necessarily mean that he or she is a bully. High but reasonable expectations, when communicated respectfully and fairly, do not equate to bullying. Workplace bullying involves abuse or misuse of power. It creates feelings of defenselessness and injustice and undermines morale, productivity and health.

Here is what you can do as a manager to stop bullying:

• Never abuse your power. If you bully your employees, you injure yourself, your employees and your employer.
• Watch for bullying. Verbal mistreatment of employees in front of other employees or customers is a common form of bullying.
• Look for the signs of bullying. A common sign of bullying is a higher turnover rate of employees reporting to one manager than for those reporting to other managers.
• If your position at your employer permits you to do so, confront bullies under your management. Specifically address what actions you believe were an abuse of power and why.
• If you are not in a position to address bullying on your own or you feel uncomfortable doing so, you should make your human resource department aware of bullying as soon as possible.

This informational piece was published on January 11, 2012.

http://www.farmerskey.com/article.htm?id=3849

Case Study: Inside the mind of HR Professionals

As a professional speaker who has made presentations to over hundreds of HR professionals, as well as professionals in many other areas, I assert that every single “workplace bullying workshop” attendee will fall into one of three categories:

1. The “Oh my gosh!!!! Thank you!!!” Category – These are people who have been treated with disrespect and aggression at work. They approach me at the end of my presentation, often in tears, infinitely thankful that I am advocating for them and that I have given them the information they need to move forward with their situation.

2. The “Hmmmm… I’m not so sure bullying exists” Category – These are people who may have witnessed a little disrespect at work but are unsure that bullying really happens among adults or that the resulting psychological implications I identified during the presentation are really that serious. These people may be open to persuasion with more information.

3. The “People who claim they're bullied are poor performers who are upset that they’re boss is calling them out” Category – These are the attendees who speak out during my presentations, often very aggressively in fact. They are convinced bullying doesn’t exist, and blame the target for poor performance and not having thicker skin. They also insist (incorrectly of course) that bullying is already illegal and laws against bullying would encourage unnecessary litigation.

Until now, I have been unable to really articulate these three responses for readers of my blog. But recently I participated in an online forum at Workforce Management website about the topic of workplace bullying, and because I gained so much insight into the mind of my third category HR professional when it comes to this touchy subject, I thought I’d share parts of the forum discussion with you.

If you are a target of aggressive behaviors at work thinking about talking with your HR manager, this post might help you gain some understanding about how your HR manager might respond to your complaint so that you can be prepared to counter it.

As I mentioned, people in my third category - people who don't think bullying exists - were abundant in the online forum, as evidenced by these comments:

“There seems to be a growing trend that every time someone’s boss yells at them it’s a workplace conflict that also suggests the boss is a bully. That may occasionally be true but more often than not, in over 30 years of workplace experience, I have observed it is an under producing or non-producing employee (that includes performance issues).”

 "Honestly, I read a lot of posts on a different forum that is open to the public and has a lot of employees posting their situations about bosses bullying employees and 99% of them are such that I can see by their posts what the issue is -- low performance, too much time off, their attitude in the postings, etc. In my 20 year career, I can honestly tell you that I have seen 1 bully boss in any organization that I have worked with. Out of hundreds.... “

“There are those that think they are bullied because the employer expects them to be at work on time consistently. Because the employer doesn't take all the excuses for missed work and productivity. Or they take exasperation and criticism as bullying.”

And after being attacked by a few of the HR professionals in the forum for asserting that bullying is a real problem:

“Suggesting bullying is legal in the US demonstrates the focus (Catherine) has. It isn't to teach people how to manage conflict in the workplace, rather, it is to exploit conflict in the workplace for (her) own profit motive. In short, (she) channel’s (her) energy to exploit a created victim instead of teaching that individual how to improve their performance and also manage everyday natural conflict.”


“I am suspecting that the poster is feeling bullied because we are not validating her perspective. We are not jumping on the bandwagon of proving how much bullying really takes place in most workplaces.”

I sought information about what these HR professionals would do if faced with a complaint by an employee who claimed his boss was bullying him. The answers were disturbing:

“I would speak with the employee about changes that often occur when bosses change.”


“I suspect that due to the friendly relationship posed by the (original poster)… there might have been some stuff that the old boss let slide, rather than confront. Or maybe it just wasn't important to the old boss but is to the new. That's the nature of different bosses and learning the new style/way, even if you don't agree with it.”


“Honestly, I would tell this employee that they should view the position as if THEY started a new job-- but with experience. If they can't handle the new (management) style, then unless they want to try to go over their boss's head (which can often be a career limiting move because SOMEONE higher above CHOSE to put this person into the manager's position and you might never be sure who was for it), I would suggest they look elsewhere for employment.”


“If I thought it was a manager issue, I would do some extra management training, but if this were a person with education and experience, I would NOT automatically assume it was the boss's issue. But rather an issue of the employee not being able to handle the change. Change is never easy.”

Another participant then pointed out that:

“The difficult part of (this) approach… is why you are willing to make assumptions that favor the organization, but you aren't willing to make any such similar assumptions on behalf of the employee.”

To which the response from one poster was:

“I don't know many companies that choose to put inexperienced, uneducated, untrained people into management positions, but I know plenty of employees who feel like THEY should have been promoted OR that THEY know more than the new boss or that their way is the only way to do something.”

“I have seen more issues with the underlings not being able to handle the change than the manager.”

“So yes, it is my instinct to counsel the employee on how to deal with the change than to counsel the manager. Unless there is some direct evidence that it is the manager's issue.”

Clearly this HR professional would not buy it if a target of bullying were to report their manager’s behavior. The target would indeed be in the hot seat and blamed for the problem. The manager, the one exhibiting unprofessional behaviors, would be left to continue treating others with disrespect.

This group of posters, filled with my third category – people who think bullying simply doesn’t exist – was hard to persuade. Nothing I said could convince them that bullying is real. They even accused me of exploiting a fad and creating a sea of victims for my own monetary and professional benefit. But it doesn’t matter if they believe me or not; what matters if is they believe you when you report your abusive manager at work.

Ultimately, this conversation was indeed a major learning experience for me. In my years of experience I have never really gained a true understanding of why an HR professional would be so utterly resistant to the idea that bullying might actually exist in the workplace. I was enlightened by these comments:

“I was in HR when the diversity fad developed, and suddenly every fringe consultant was an expert in diversity and offering their services to help implement diversity programs. They were aggressive - if you didn't have a diversity program, then somehow your company was uncaring, insensitive, even Neanderthal in your approach to business. Diversity programs have yet to produce any measurable benefit, yet business spent huge amounts of money on it.“

“So it goes with HR fads - it seems like HR is plagued with them every 5 years or so. Some get a lot of publicity, like diversity, others don't. All fade into oblivion, some mercifully sooner rather than later.”

“HR has seen a bunch of fads. I would agree bullying is but one more.”

In addition, one poster pointed out that aggressive behaviors at work have potential liability for an employer – damages that should certainly be taken into consideration. As someone who has also made that argument, and attempted to quantify the damage a workplace bully might cause, the response was of great interest to me:

“OMG, HR professionals have been fighting this image for years. It is called the Chicken Little complex.

Legal fees are a cost of doing business for corporations. Frivolous lawsuits are a source of potential income for plaintiffs attorneys; "If they settle, even for nuisance value, I get something." The problem isn't managers. The problem is unscrupulous attorneys, consultants who embellish reality and a sub-culture that says if I sue I win regardless.


In 30+ years I have never lost a lawsuit. I've settled several for "nuisance value."

To sum all this up, HR professionals have seen an array of fads come and go. According to the participants in this forum, given the number of fads in their many years of experience, bullying just seems like one more. For this reason, it might be hard for them to take your complaint seriously.

These individuals were also not intimidated by the numbers. They weren’t buying that a lawsuit is a real threat when a report of bullying goes unaddressed. To them, a lawsuit is just the cost of doing business, and because one poster in particular had never lost a lawsuit against an employee, she was ready to go toe to toe. Lawsuits didn’t even make a dent in her perspective.

So what’s the lesson here? It is up to you, the target, the reporter of aggressive behaviors at work, to prove your case in a major way. As stated by one poster:

“Unfortunately HR and management usually do NOT have the ability to go "personal" with employees. To dig deep into the reasons and feelings and emotions. To smooth over hurt feelings. To babysit one who is feeling persecuted. At some point, it DOES need to get back to the business of running the company and working towards that goal and needs to be less about feelings and more about realistic expectations and being productive and putting personal feelings/perspectives aside."

The most important things you can do for yourself, before you file a complaint with your manager or HR manager, is to:

1. Document everything, and be sure to stick to the facts. Avoid documenting your emotions. Do not document how you felt, document the bad behavior. Focus on the bully, not on you. You are your performance already going to be under the spotlight, so don’t make your grievance about you – make it about the bully’s unprofessional behavior. HR is not in the business of making you feel good, they are in the business of helping the organization run. I hate to say it, but your feelings are irrelevant to them. The bullying manager’s unprofessional behavior is relevant to them if you can prove it’s hurting performance.

2. If possible, gather evidence from co-workers and other managers about your performance. Based on my conversation with the HR professionals in the forum, your performance is going to be called into question. If you can find a way to prove you are a top-performer, whether by emails or memos from others you work with or a stack of performance evaluations from previous managers, I think you will find that evidence useful during your conversation.

3. Attempt to resolve the issue yourself first. In any situation, when you have a problem, issue, or question it is important that you approach your manager with your problem, issue, or question with some idea of a solution. No manager wants to hear, “I have a problem, can you tell me what to do?” There isn’t a manager on the planet that wouldn’t prefer, “I have a problem. I have tried A and B and they haven’t worked. I was thinking about doing C and D but was hoping for your input.” This shows that you are solution oriented and able to think things all the way through on your own – and those are qualities of a top notch, high performing employee.

4. Be prepared for the conversation. Know what you want to accomplish as a result of your complaint. What is it that you want the HR manager to do for you? What exactly are you going to say? What solutions can you offer? Never go into your HR manager’s office to complain – go in there to complain and provide options.

If you’re interested, you can read the entire conversation on Workforce Week.

A Little About Gender and Workplace Bullying

At the International Association for Workplace Bullying & Harassment I had the honor of hearing Denise Salin, one of the foremost researchers of workplace bullying, speak on the topic of gender as it relates to bullying at work. So here’s a few tidbits, as told to me, and 250 other attendees, by Denise Salin.

• Women are more likely to self-label as a target of bullying than men

• Women are more likely to label their past experiences as bullying when discussing them with others

• Women more often define bullying as emotional abuse and professional discrediting

• Men more often define bullying as manipulation of work

• Men emphasize victim characteristics more than women

• Women are more likely to conceptualize bullying as an organizational problem, with organizational antecedents and consequences

• Both men and women experience negative health as a result of being bullied, although the effects seem to be more poignant for women

• Women are more likely to seek social support and avoid the bully, while men are more assertive

• Male HR managers are more likely to refrain from taking action

• Gender of the target, perpetrator and witness all effect whether the witness labels what they observe as bullying (I didn’t catch exactly which gender labels what)

• Witnesses do not think men suffer health consequences

• Targets who exhibit gender-incongruent behavior are more likely to be bullied

• Research does not yet show whether gender matters in terms of job satisfaction, commitment, intention to stay, absenteeism, etc, as they relate to workplace bullying

• Gender is relevant for experience of bullying and for intervention purposes

The Role of Bystanders in Workplace Bullying

Bystanders play an important role in the process of workplace bullying because they have the power to help end it by standing up to the bully or reporting it to management. Sadly, often this does not happen and bullying is allowed to persist, many times for as long as five years (although targets usually quit after about two).

In addition, research definitely supports the fact that bystanders are troubled by the bullying they witness at work, and that their job satisfaction, loyalty to the company, production, and work quality all decline while their anxiety and fear increase. (Just one more reason managers should be focused on building a positive workplace, as if they didn’t already have enough.)

After returning from making my own presentations at the International Association for Workplace Bullying & Harassment, I thought I’d provide some insight into some of the things I learned there about bystanders.

Becky Byrn-Schmid presented her research on motivational factors for intervening or not intervening, and found the top reason people intervene is affiliation. She surmises that “administrators believe developing and maintaining cooperative teams is important enough to intervene”. Bystanders might also intervene because they believe it is their role and important to getting the job done. On the other hand, bystanders might not intervene because they see no evidence that bullying is occurring, have no support from management to assist in ending the bullying, do not have enough confidence in themselves to intervene, or are concerned it will create more conflict.

The winners of best paper, Sabrina Salamon and Sally Maitlis, delivered a presentation from research conducted by observing the lifespan of a group of undergraduates who met every week over the course of two school semesters. For eight months, they watched the class interact from behind a one-way mirror, and observed a gradual process of victimization that was institutionalized by the group and ultimately turned into what we would normally classify as “mobbing”. Mobbing is defined as a group of people targeting one person, such as in the case of Phoebe Prince; different than workplace bullying where one person is targeting one or more people. In either case, the mob or bully seek to ultimately eliminate the target from the group through employment termination or forcing him or her to quit. The researchers here, however, noticed that in this case the target became a scapegoat for the group – and therefore they did not want him to leave. When things went wrong, they had someone to blame.

One of the main causes of the aggression in this case was a lack of structure in the course, in that the course had no syllabus, no assignments, and no tests; students were left to create their own course and thus learn about group dynamics by ultimately reflecting on the dynamics of this group. The conclusion that lack of structure may have caused the aggression to occur further supports what researchers have already concluded: ambiguity is often correlated with aggression at work. Here, the scapegoat recommended that the class develop structure for themselves and ultimately was attacked for it, despite his classmate’s recognition that this was indeed a good idea.

The researchers also noticed that scapegoating brought the rest of the group together. Despite all the ambiguity, coming together to pick on one person provided a steady commonality to cling to.

Based on her research on bystanders, Maryam Omari and colleague offered insight into how to help bystanders come to a point where they might intervene and save not only the target but their own sanity and the workplace. They recommend that bystander education have three objectives: describing how to recognize bullying behaviors, enlightening bystanders that silence essentially legitimizes the bullying, and providing information on the role bystanders play and how to help stand up to bullies while protecting themselves.

Ultimately, I always advocate for training for everyone in the organization, along with many other action items that would allow a healthy workplace to flourish. Training should never be solely about workplace bullying and how to stop it – it should always involve information about recognizing, demonstrating and rewarding positive behaviors. A focus on the problem will only serve as a band-aid. Managers must focus on the well-being of the entire organization in order for any proposed solutions to actually work.

Senate Passes Landmark Legislation to Halt Bullying and Abuse in the Workplace

New York State Senator Thomas P. Morahan, Chairman of the Committee on Mental Health and Developmental Disabilities today secured Senate passage of his landmark legislation (S.1823-B) which establishes a civil cause of action for employees who are subjected to an abusive work environment.

Specifically, this legislation provides legal redress for employees who have been harmed psychologically, physically or economically by being deliberately subjected to abusive work environments; and it provides legal incentives for employers to prevent and respond to mistreatment of employees at work.

Surveys and studies demonstrate that 16 to 21 percent of employees experience health-endangering workplace bullying, abuse and harassment, and that this behavior is 4 times more prevalent then sexual harassment. These studies have also documented the serious effects on these targeted employees. They include: shame, humiliation, stress, loss of sleep, severe anxiety, depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, reduced immunity to infection, gastrointestinal disorders, hypertension and pathophysiologic changes that increase the risk of cardiovascular disease.

“The social and economic well-being of the State is dependent upon healthy, safe, and productive employees,” said Senator Morahan. “I want to thank all my colleagues, on both sides of the aisle, who voted for this legislation today. In particular, Senator George Onorato, Chairman of the Labor Committee, Republican Leader Dean Skelos, Majority Conference Leader John Sampson and Deputy Majority Leader Jeff Klein for helping secure passage of the legislation”.

“I became aware of the prevalence of abusive environments in the workplace when one of my constituents brought her situation at her place of employment to my attention. It became apparent that legislation was needed to address the problem,” said Morahan.

“Workplace bullying, abuse and harassment bring with them a variety of very serious human and economic costs,” said Senator George Onorato, Chairman of the Labor Committee and co-prime sponsor of the legislation. “Abusive behavior can cause grievous harm to employees who are the victims of it, leading to all manner of health problems and, often, forcing them to leave their jobs to escape it. In addition, it costs employers in terms of lost employee productivity, and other workplace problems. By taking aim at abusive work environments, this legislation will protect employees from inappropriate behavior and help our businesses to become more productive and successful.”

“Mistreatment of employees in the workplace is a serious issue, but too often, workers have no recourse when they are subject to an abusive work environment,” said Senate Republican Leader Dean G. Skelos. “Senator Morahan’s legislation will help employees who have been harmed, physically, mentally or financially, and will encourage employers to do more to prevent and respond to this problem.”

“We are truly appreciative of Senator Morahan’s efforts which have culminated in the passage of vital legislation today in the New York State Senate,” said New York Healthy Workplace Advocate State Coordinators Mike Schlicht and Tom Witt.

“On behalf of the workforce of our State, I call on my Legislative colleagues in the Assembly to pass this bill in their house,” said Senator Morahan.

Read the original post by Senator Morahan here.

New York is fighting the good fight against workplace bullying

Yesterday New York's senate passed S1823B. If enacted, victims of abusive work environments may have relief via legal action. Though we are not in the clear yet - NY Assembly must first pass A5414B and the Governor must sign it off, which is no easy feat.

According to documentarian and blogger Beverly Peterson, "This time last year, Paterson vetoed a bill with a much less immediate impact and an intention to explore the best way to legislate hostile work environments. Had he put his pen on the dotted line the study results would be in place right about now to help guide lawmakers toward a legal solution."

Mike Schlicht, State Coordinator (Upstate) for the New York Healthy Workplace Advocates, had this to say:

"History was made today in New York State with the passage of Bill S1823B “The Healthy Workplace Bill” that allows employees and employers to address the issue of workplace bullying. Sixty-two courageous state Senators have spoken that workplace bullying will no longer be tolerated in the workplace and employees who bully others will not be able to hide behind their employer and make them responsible for their own actions as is with protected status harassment. Likewise, employers who do not address this form of workplace violence will have to do so and while not all of them with be pleased with the legislation, proactive employers will now have a tool to rid themselves of bullies who undermine the bottom line, increase health care premiums, increase turnover and create workers comp and disability issues. On behalf of all employees, present and former who have experienced this form of workplace violence, I sincerely thank the courageous Senators of New York State for passing this legislation."

Performance reviews and workplace bullies

Can you use the performance process to help a workplace bully curb his or her behavior? Well, they can be very helpful if you’re paying attention to ensuring a positive and healthy culture. Developing a performance evaluation process that includes civility is not too difficult (although changing the bully’s behavior will of course be a challenging process, but worth it in the end).

Many organizations use the performance evaluation process as a once per year thing that everyone despises. Managers hate the process of telling employees they are not meeting goals, and employees of course dread those types of conversations. After a few weeks they’ve forgotten what it is they were supposed to work on and return to normal anyway. This isn’t helpful to the employee, the manager, or the organization.

In order to adjust any type of behavior, whether bullying or not, employee evaluations should be held at a minimum once per quarter. They should also not focus only on what’s going wrong, but should place a focus on what is going right. So don’t forget to talk about where the employee is excelling too.

Before you start the process, you must first develop a list of competencies that are simple and unambiguous, and describe expectations for performance and behavior. Here are some examples of competencies that would be useful for eradicating bullying behavior:

• Communication: Addresses others with an encouraging and positive attitude. Listens to other ideas different from his or her own with an open-mind. Avoids raising his or her voice when frustrated and demonstrates professionalism at all times. Maintains confidentiality of information where required and handles sensitive information with tact.

• Conflict resolution: Understands the value of listening to differences of opinion. Seeks solutions to resolve conflict with a focus on maintaining the relationship. Avoids attacking individuals during periods of conflict, and focuses instead on developing an amicable solution to the issue.

• Collaboration: Seeks out the opinions of others before making decisions that will impact them. Encourages open discussions about issues and searches for innovative solutions. Avoids gossiping or humiliating others.

• Assertiveness: Demonstrates ability to express opinions and convictions in a professional manner and without putting other opinions down. Displays confidence during interactions and deals constructively with other’s differences of opinions.

During reviews, provide the employee a minimum five examples of specific situations where these behavior-based competencies and other performance-based competencies you developed were demonstrated. Describe the positive impact or outcome for the organization as a result of meeting that competency.

After discussing strengths, discuss a maximum of three areas for improvement. Focus on the one major area the employee should work on, particularly their interpersonal skills if the employee is a bully. Be very specific about situations where competencies were not met, how they are harmful for the organization, and what changes you would like to see. Provide clear examples of what “doing it right” would look like. Connect “doing it right” to positive outcomes for the organization.

Next, provide the employee with SMART goals for their behavior change. SMART goals are Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic, and have a Timeline. A bully needs to know what the specific behavior change should look like, how it will be measured, that it is possible to change and you believe in their ability to do so, and by when the change should take place.

Of course bullies cannot change overnight, so your timeline is going to have to be made up of baby steps. If it appears the bully is left unsure of how to change his or her behavior, you may need to bring in a communication skills coach, or even provide a high-level organizational mentor, to help the individual meet these goals.

Bullying fines deliver a stern message

Sydney Morning Herald
By PENNY STEVENS
February 9, 2010

A COURT decision yesterday to issue $335,000 in fines arising from workplace behaviour that resulted in a waitress committing suicide highlights the significant risks associated with bullying and harassment in the workplace.

The owner of Cafe Vamp in Hawthorn was one of four workers to plead guilty to failing to take reasonable care for the health and safety of persons.

The owner and his one-man company also pleaded guilty to failing to provide and maintain a safe working environment.

The company was fined $220,000, and magistrate Peter Lauritsen said he would have doubled the penalties had the defendants not pleaded guilty to what he described as ''the most serious case of bullying''.

The decision demonstrates one of the many costs associated with failing to manage bullying and harassment in the workplace appropriately.

According to a recent draft report released by the Productivity Commission, ''psycho-social hazards'' such as bullying and harassment in the workplace tend to be more costly on average than claims for less serious physical injuries, both in relation to direct costs and time taken off work.

The report indicates that an estimated 2.5 million Australians experience some form of bullying over the course of their working lives.

It is reported that a high prevalence of stress (including that caused by bullying) translates into direct costs to employers in Australia of about $10 billion a year, and costs to the economy of about $14.8 billion a year.

Research shows these costs are due to increased absenteeism and the loss of productivity that occurs when employees are present at work but not fully functioning.

The figures do not include hidden costs associated with increased turnover of staff and recruitment and retraining costs, the costs of management dealing with internal complaints, and intangible costs associated with decreased trust, loyalty and staff morale.

Workplace bullying and harassment are not given the same attention in occupational health and safety legislation as managing physical hazards - such as manual handling, working at heights and dangerous substances - and this has led to additional uncertainty being placed on businesses about the extent of their duty of care and how to tackle such hazards.

Eliminating workplace bullying and harassment is an integral part of any employer's organisational OH&S commitments.

The Cafe Vamp decision sends a clear message to employers, company directors and employees that allowing or participating in workplace bullying can lead to tragic results and to criminal charges that carry significant penalties.

Penny Stevens is a partner, specialising in occupational health and safety, with lawyers Hall & Wilcox.

For help or information, visit beyondblue.org.au, or call Suicide Helpline Victoria on 1300 651 251 or Lifeline on 131 114.

Source: The Age

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Flourishing in the Paradox of the Positive

By Robert Quinn

I was recently invited to run a retreat for a business school in another part of the country. I was to make a presentation and organize a series of exercises that would help the people design their future. A year ago one of my colleagues played the same role with this group. During his day he made an extensive presentation of empirical findings from POS. He also presented tools they could use to apply the principles he taught.

As I visited with people it was clear that they were very impressed with the previous presentation. One professor told me he was intellectually “awed” by it.
Yet it was also clear that few of the POS tools or suggestions had actually been applied. It had been a tough economic year and there were also some conflicts going on in the organization. While some good things had happened, few seemed to be connected with the application of POS.

As I considered the tension in the organization and the fact that there was relatively little application from the previous year, I became increasingly apprehensive about what I was supposed to do. I was to go on in 30 minutes. I felt fear and a knot began to form in my stomach.

Positive Emotions

As I sat there I thought of the research by Barbara Fredrickson. Her work demonstrates the importance of positive emotions. Positive emotions:

• Lead to thoughts that are unusual, flexible, integrative and efficient.

•Broaden visual attention, increase bonding, help regulate negative arousal, improve coping with adversity, increase the likelihood of finding positive meaning in negative events and facilitate the development of plans and goals.

•Increase the likelihood that we are able to play, to explore, envision the future, savor experience and integrate new views into the self.

She states that, “Positive emotions transform individuals into more resilient, socially integrated, and capable versions of themselves.” [1]

Organizations

For people in organizations this claim is particularly important. She indicates that positive emotions are contagious and spread through groups and organizations. Positive emotions give rise to sequences of events that create new meaning. Such changes can reduce conflict and give rise to more integrity, trust, vision and creative mutual support. The culture can become more compassionate and creative and can take the group or organization to a more optimal level of functioning.

Click here to read the entire article.

I thought this part was particularly of use in dealing with workplace bullies:

“Positive emotions transform individuals into more resilient, socially integrated, and capable versions of themselves.” As we apply principles that cause of us to feel more positive, authentic and courageous, we then engage in more positive, authentic and courageous acts. We thus become emotionally contagious in that we inspire more positive, authentic and courageous feelings and action in others. They then do things that inspire us and our relationships become a virtuous cycle. As we live in such a virtuous cycle, we flourish in the paradox of the positive.

Dear Reader

I received the following email from a blog reader. I thought I'd post my response for anyone interested in empowerment.

I need advice on how to deal with jealous bullies who will not respect personal space. I have no tolerance as I have tried to be nice and assertive but they are thick and stupid and as a result I snapped and told one to f%^& off.
How does one tolerate and be assertive when it is constantly ignored?

Dear Reader,

I am going to say some things that you may or may not like, but I feel that I need to be real and honest with you here. It is clear based on the tone of your email that you are extremely frustrated with the situation you have found yourself in. I’m certain most people respond to your question with empathy, and sympathy even. I on the other hand, am going to give you advice that might be a little hard to swallow at first.

Bullies have one motivation – to overpower you.

So take a look at yourself. This is hard. It’s hard to look at ourselves when we feel attacked by someone else. But you cannot control what others do. You can, however, learn to control your own reactions.

In order to do that, you will first need to acknowledge that while you don’t deserve to be treated this way you have indeed allowed the bully to push your buttons. Ask yourself why. Why is this person pushing your buttons? Why do you let him or her push your buttons? After all, you are in control of your own buttons aren’t you?

Next, think about your reaction to the bully. What are you communicating by doing things like using foul language? In addition, be aware of your nonverbal behavior when you are in the same room with the bully. What does your nonverbal communication say? Are you being proactive by standing with your head held high and your confidence-cap on? Or are you being reactive by blurting out unprofessional words?

Once you’ve been able to identify what part you play in the interaction with the bully, think about how you help the bully meet his or her goals. Again, the bully’s goal here is to overpower you. So how do you help the bully meet that goal? The answer is certainly not “nothing” – you are definitely doing “something”. What is it?? Once you figure that out, you can change your behavior accordingly.

Finally, you’ll need to find a way to detach yourself from these emotions you are feeling. Remember, nobody makes you feel anything – feelings are a choice. They are your choice.

You are not an innocent passerby in your own life. You absolutely have the power to change your situation. Change is a choice. Feelings and emotions are a choice. Your response to the bully is a choice. Choose wisely. The bully is playing mental games with you and you have the mental capacity to win this war. I know you do.

And, if in the end, you can’t seem to get past your anger, then it’s time to leave. Your dignity is worth way more than anything your employer is paying you.

Why is it always about you?

I just finished reading the book, Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW, and it is a great book. Highly recommended.

Below are some excerpts. Go forth and feel empowered to change your situation.

Our number one tool for dealing with the Narcissist is to examine our own experiences and recognize how our reactions contribute to our discomfort. The goal is to understand what is happening and interrupt the process to protect ourselves (pg. 62).

Narcissists constantly dump – or project – unwanted parts of themselves onto other people. They then begin to behave as if others posses these unwanted pieces of themselves, and they may even succeed in getting others to feel as if they actually have those traits or feelings. What it means is that you end up being treated like the dirt they’ve brushed off their own psyches, or feeling the anger, the vulnerability, and the worthlessness that they cannot tolerate in themselves. They lob onto you, you suck it in, and for an icky while, it’s yours (pg. 64).

You cannot control what others do, but you can learn to contain your own reactions once you understand what is going on. Understanding where your feelings originally came from and accepting them as your own is the first step in protecting yourself against the toxic effects of narcissism. When you become comfortable with your own feelings, you will be able to deflect the shame that is triggered by the Narcissist.

Guidelines for Survival

1. Be aware of your feelings when in the company of someone who repeatedly evokes shame, discomfort, anger… These feelings can be excellent indicators you are in the presence of a Narcissist. Once you have recognized whom you are dealing with, you will be in a better position to defend yourself.

2. When you have uncomfortable or intense feelings in the presence of a Narcissist, ask yourself what buttons of yours are being pushed. Remember times past when you have felt this way and, from this more emotionally distant perspective, consider why you respond as you do. Don’t be afraid to look at your own narcissistic vulnerabilities, because this is exactly what will make you stronger.

3. Once you’re pretty sure you’ve identified the piece of the action that is yours, think about how your feelings help the Narcissist manage shame in some way. Try not to personalize what is happening. Although it couldn’t feel more personal, it really is not. You are just a means to an end.

4. You need to find a way to detach from the feeling of diminishment the Narcissist evokes in you. Sometimes if helps to think of this person as being two years old on the inside.

5. When deflecting the shame projected by the Narcissist, resist the urge to retaliate. Don’t try to challenge or enlighten this person either. The Narcissist has a lot at stake in keeping unconscious processes unconscious. If you try to tamper with this, you may escalate the situation to your own detriment or discomfort.

6. It needs to be enough for you to know that you have put the projections back where they belong in your own mind, regardless of how the Narcissist sees the situation. If you have trouble letting that be enough, you may need more personalized assistance to work on this in greater depth. A competent therapist can help.

What to say in an interview when you left your last job because of a bully

I received the following question from one of my readers. I thought it was a great question so I'm sharing it with you.

I quit my job because I was bullied. Before I did though, I wrote the owners a letter describing my experience with my supervisor and they put her on warning. There is some satisfaction there, but I still could no longer work for her. I need to know what to say in a interview about the experience. Can you help?

Julie,

As a former HR professional I can tell you that interviewers are always looking for a few things, no matter what position and no matter what industry. Those things are:

* that you can demonstrate you have initiative and company loyalty
* you are solution-oriented and forward thinking (that means when you have a problem, you attempt to find a solution before bringing the problem to your manager)
* you have a long list of accomplishments, rather than job tasks, to share during the interview and on your resume
* you can work in a team

During the entire interview you should be focusing on these four things. Every answer you give should provide proof that you hold these credentials. This is important because if you can prove you have initiative, are solution-oriented, are goal oriented (can achieve things), and can work in a team, what happened at your last employer won't really matter to the prospective employer because you'll make a good looking candidate.

Now comes the part during the interview where they ask about why you left your previous employer. There are a few ways you can handle it.

The first is to simply say that you weren’t receiving growth opportunities and needed to move on. This is not a very informative answer and may lead to more probing from the interviewer. It could also communicate that you are hiding something or holding back. Not good.

The second option is to provide some other reason un-related to the bully. This is unethical however, and therefore not a desired response either.

The third choice is a bit more intricate, but it demonstrates you meet the four universal criteria for a potential employee, and above all shows that you are honest. You didn't provide details of your own abuse at your previous employer, so I don't know your particular situation, but here's an example of how you might answer the question: Can you tell me why you left your previous organization?

I am a go-getter. I really like opportunities to do new projects and learn new things, and unfortunately my previous employer wasn't offering those types of opportunities to me anymore (demonstrates initiative).

For example, during my first year at the organization I developed a new procedure for handling, documenting and tracking customer complaints; conceived and was responsible for the internal company newsletter; and created and managed a file clerk position (demonstrates accomplishments). After awhile, however, these opportunities to contribute positively to the organization seemed to get taken away by one manager in particular.

I really believe I put effort into resolving this manager’s and my differences directly. I enjoyed my job and working for the company, and of course I wanted to be sure I was getting along with my manager (demonstrates you are a team player). When talking with the manager about our relationship didn’t seem to work I spoke to the company owners about it (demonstrates initiative and that you are solution-oriented). I suggested to them that I move teams so our relationship didn't get in the way of production and customer service (demonstrates company loyalty).

Unfortunately, the owners didn't seem to think this person's behavior was all that bad and only put her on warning for her behavior once I’d left the company. But, ultimately, while I got along with everyone else at the organization (demonstrates you are a team player) this particular individual really made working for that organization difficult and I decided leaving was my best option.

In my current job search I am really looking for an organization that appreciates and even praises initiative and hard work, because those are two of my best qualities (demonstrates initiative).

There are a few other things I’d like to add here.

It is ALWAYS a good idea to avoid bad mouthing your previous employer. Your response to the question about why you left must be polite, eloquent and honest. Talk around any negative feelings you have about the company and the bully, the new employer doesn’t need to hear it. And, they’ll wonder what will happen if they rub you the wrong way and you leave – are you going to bad mouth them too?

Second, always, always, always make a point of building rapport with the interviewer from the time you meet and shake hands. The interview should flow more like a conversation than an interview, and if it does, then you know you have built rapport. You can do this by being relaxed and conversational, and by asking the interviewer questions about themselves. If you spot a picture on his or her desk from Lake Tahoe, for example, mention that you’ve always wanted to go there and ask him or her how the trip was.

Also, mirror the interviewer’s body language slightly. This builds a subconscious liking for you because you seem similar to the interviewer – something we look for in everyone we meet. If he takes a sip of water, you take a sip of water. If she crosses her legs, you cross yours. Don’t be a copy cat, obviously, but follow along every once in a while.

If you build rapport with interviewers then they will find you to be a positive person that they like, and one that couldn’t possibly be responsible for what happened at the last company.

Bullying may be more harmful than sexual harassment

Workplace bullying, such as belittling comments, persistent criticism of work and withholding resources, appears to inflict more harm on employees than sexual harassment, say researchers at the “Seventh International Conference on Work, Stress and Health.”

“As sexual harassment becomes less acceptable in society, organizations may be more attuned to helping victims, who may therefore find it easier to cope,” said lead author M. Sandy Hershcovis, PhD, of the University of Manitoba. “In contrast, non-violent forms of workplace aggression such as incivility and bullying are not illegal, leaving victims to fend for themselves.”

Both bullying and sexual harassment can create negative work environments and unhealthy consequences for employees, but the researchers found that workplace aggression has more severe consequences. Employees who experienced bullying, incivility or interpersonal conflict (86 of 128 participants) were more likely to quit their jobs, have lower well-being, be less satisfied with their jobs and have less satisfying relations with their bosses than employees who were sexually harassed (46 of 128 participants). Furthermore, bullied employees reported more job stress, less job commitment and higher levels of anger and anxiety.

“Bullying is often more subtle, and may include behaviors that do not appear obvious to others,” said Hershcovis. “The insidious nature of these behaviors makes them difficult to deal with and sanction.”

Take the ball and go home

Bullies can't be bullies when they are alone.

If you work with a bully, this is all you need to know. They need you.
A bully is someone who uses physical or psychological force to demean and demoralize someone else. A bully isn't challenging your ideas, or working with you to find a better outcome. A bully is playing a game, one that he or she enjoys and needs. You're welcome to play this game if it makes you happy, but for most people, it will make you miserable. So don't.

The way to work with a bully is not to try to please her or to question the quality of your work or to appease her or to hide from her.

The way to work with a bully is to take the ball and go home. First time, every time.

When there's no ball, there's no game. Bullies hate that. So they'll either behave so they can play with you or they'll go bully someone else.

Call her on her behavior (not who she is, but what she does). "I'm sorry, but when you talk to me like that, I'm unable to do good work. I'll be in my office if you need me." Then walk out, not in a huff, but with a measure of respect for the person (not the behavior).

This is a shocking piece of advice. It might even get you fired. But it will probably save your job and your sanity. Most bullies are deeply unhappy and you might just save their skin. If you're good at what you do, you deserve better than a bully.

From: Seth Godin's blog

Workplace bullying can be difficult to distinguish

One of the emerging issues in employment law today is workplace bullying.
Laws have been proposed in at least a dozen states that would address abusive behavior in the workplace, but so far none has become law. The difficulty seems to be in distinguishing bullying from relatively common (albeit obnoxious) management techniques.

In California, the Legislature considered a bill several years ago that would have banned malicious behavior by an employer or manager "that a reasonable person would find hostile, offensive and unrelated to an employer’s legitimate business interests." It died in committee, partly because it was feared that the broad definition would lead to a flood of lawsuits.

Nearly every week I get a call from an employee who complains about a hostile environment at work. When I ask more questions, I often find there is no legal recourse because the boss treats everyone the same way. He or she is an equal opportunity jerk, and the laws that protect employees from discrimination and harassment are of little use in this situation.

But are the courts the best place to address this problem? Can a judge or jury right all of the wrongs – large and small – that people experience on a daily basis? Shouldn’t we expect to take some things in stride and take some responsibility for the way we allow ourselves to be treated?

Discrimination on the basis of status is different. When being female, older or Latino is the cause of unfair treatment, it’s an institutional problem. But when one person feels intimidated by another, it’s often a function of their specific relationship, not the result of a widespread societal bias.

Of course, assault and battery is still illegal, as are threats of violence, even at work. That is not to say that bullying is OK. It’s not.

It’s very damaging to an organization to allow a manager to rule by intimidation. It has been estimated that a single abusive manager can waste $180,000 in a single year.

Even if that manager produces profits in the short run, he or she is killing the goose to get those golden eggs. There is no excuse for genuine abuse in the workplace, but a legal definition needs to be narrower than simply "hostile" or "offensive," or we truly risk having courts second guessing every interaction between employer and employee.

HR Consultant Catherine Mattice has studied workplace bullying extensively. She recommends beefing up the employer’s communication practices to avoid the potential losses and liabilities that a generally hostile workplace – even a legal one – can entail.

On her Web site, www.noworkplacebullies.com, she points out ways to recognize bullies in your workplace and steps you can take to reduce dissatisfaction and boost morale. In these times, that’s not a bad goal for any employer.

By Lou Storrow, Chairman of the Carlsbad Chamber of Commerce Board of Directors, Feb 01, 2009

Announcing Workplace Bully Workshop

The Center for Innovation’s

Professional Development Academy of the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District

Presents:

WORKPLACE BULLIES
A Complimentary Workshop by Catherine Mattice

What: This free workshop will help you put a stop to bullying, whether you are a manager or a target. Catherine Mattice will cover how and why bullies thrive in an organization and the damage they are causing. She will explore why some people may be targeted over others, how to facilitate adjustments in organizational culture, and how to cultivate assertive communication skills.

Who: The Center of Innovation of the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District presents Catherine Mattice, communication consultant and workplace bullying subject matter expert.

When: Wednesday, February 25, 2009
11:00am-12:15pm

Where: Cuyamaca College
Room F-613
900 Rancho San Diego Parkway
El Cajon, CA 92019

RSVP: Pre-registration is required. Registration is FREE. Please RSVP to Katie O’Leary at 619-660-4323 or Kathleen.OLeary@gcccd.edu.

Take back control of your life

This morning I came across a wonderful website, http://www.overcomebullying.org/. The site belongs to an organization devoted to resolving bullying in schools and the workplace (Plug: Sign up for their newsletter), and I found one of their articles to make an extremely good point.

Sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to quit your job. But to most that's not an option, especially in this economy. Overcomebullying.org points out, though, that while your bills are one thing, your mental health and physical state are much more important. While you're thinking, "Can I afford to quit my job and still pay my bills?" what you should be thinking is, "Can I really afford to be this unhappy?"

The fact of the matter is, you don't just shut your feelings of hurt and anxiety off when you leave for the day. They remain with you at all times.

I became a workplace bullying consultant because of my own experiences. I was bullied by another Director-level peer. And... as the HR Director I was fighting for the rights of all of the staff members the bully was bullying. I found myself fighting wars for them in order to ease their own pain, because that's what HR professionals do - take the brunt of the wrath of management if they can.

I left that job not because I quit, necessarily. I left that job because my boss came into my office one day, after about a year of my perpetual tardiness and extremely reduced productivity (normally way out of character for me), to point out that while I was once the highest producer and full of life and ideas, I was not putting in any effort at work anymore. We decided the best option for me was to leave - right then.

So, with my tail between my legs I packed my boxes, and left without warning. Scary... or so you'd think.

When I think back to that day I don't see fear and saddness, I see beautiful rainbows and sunshine. My drive home from work that day, the day I was essentially asked to leave because my tormentor had ripped my self-esteem to shreds, was one of the best days of my life. Over the course of the next few weeks, I could physically feel the monkey climbing down off my back. I could stand up straight again and everything seemed brighter, literally, not metaphorically. My physical state changed - I felt happy and vibrant again. My mental state changed - I could see the world with clarity.

And where there's a will there's a way. I went out and immediately got another job full of life and fun. I loved going to work everyday. I was ultimately laid off, unfortunately, and that's when I decided to start my own consulting firm.

While finding a job immediately may not be so realistic during this time, the economy will change - and you want to be ready when it does.

So start your planning now. Get the ol' resume out and start filling in the gaps. You're lucky because bullies target the smartest people with the most ideas, and the management favorites, so that means you've got a good chance at finding something new.

Keep in mind resumes should contain lots of tangible accomplishments with only a few job tasks that summarize your position. Be sure to keep the resume neat and clean, and use bullet points to make it easier for the resume reviewer to scan. Resumes only get 2-20 seconds of time, so you want to be clear and concise. For more tips on resume writing click on "In the Media" at http://www.catherinemattice.com/. You'll find some great information there.

Also remember that there is no need to bind yourself to another 9-5er with a paycheck every 2 weeks. We often do, because it's steady and it's easy.

But if you want to leave now many companies are hiring consultants to do a little work here and little work there to cover the stuff that a now-laid off person may have been doing. Start asking around and using your business contacts - you may find there's more demand out there for your skills than you thought.

15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.

The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.

Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:

1. Forgive - What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?“

2. Wait it Out - Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?” - Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?"

4. Don’t Respond - Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It - When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something the more of that thing we notice. Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes - As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons - No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life - Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life. Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer - When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

10. Go for a Run … or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario - Ask yourself two questions, “If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“, “If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?” Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions - When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important - List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?“

14. Pour Honey - This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It - Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments.

(From Think Simple Now.)

"What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds." - Wayne Dyer: Self-development author and speaker

Dealing with Difficult People

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
Hurting Ourselves - One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
Negativity Spreads - I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves - it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.