Holding Bullies Accountable

Bullies are people who seek power and control over others. They look for ways to dominate the people they deal with, and they use their evil bullying tactics to overcome you. But who allows the bully to dominate? You do.

Bullies behave as badly as they are allowed to behave. Most often, other people you work with are too scared to say anything to the bully, and managers and HR don't always see the bullying happening. If they do, they choose to ignore it because they don't know how to deal with it, and they don't know how damaging it is to you and the organization. So bullies are left to run rampant - but they only run over the people who lay down flat in the street.

So it's up to you to get out of the street and put a stop sign up. You must protect yourself. You must hold the bully accountable for his or her actions.

Point out the bully's behavior to him or her, and do it in front of other people. During the next staff meeting try: "Why don't you try to talking to me with a less harsh tone. That statement came out pretty sharply, and I'm sure you didn't mean to speak to me like that." You can also try a more assertive tactic: "You need to speak to me with more respect," or, "From now on, when you speak to me try to be more polite." Again, be sure to do this is front of other people - so you have witnesses, and so you have protection. More than likely, the bully will not retort.

The key here is that while we normally tell people not to use the word "you" when addressing others, the bully needs to hear it.

For example, "You make me feel..." is not the proper way to talk to a loved one. It causes us to shut off our ears and stop listening, because it's evaluative and accusatory. "I feel..." is much better and has a much greater likelihood the person you are talking to will continue listening.

But, when talking to a bully, if you say, "I feel like you take advantage of me," the bully will say, "That's your problem." If you say, "You are taking advantage of me. From now on I will not cover you on your extra long lunches," the bully is likely to take the information in. He or she may not like it, but too bad. You are standing your ground.

Being Assertive: Part 2

Let's continue with the assertive stuff shall we? Let's talk about how to be assertive.

Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.

Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"

Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.

Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.

Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.

You can handle it.