Stretch your mind

Wayne Dyer, infamous self-development author and speaker, once stated, "What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds."

Think about that for a second. And then think about this: Things are the way we think they are because we think they are that way.

I've been writing a book chapter for a new book coming out in 2009, called Understanding and Addressing Workplace Bullying (keep your eye out for it). As I've been reviewing my what feels like millions of research articles sprawled all over my office, I find myself becoming more and more annoyed.

One article mentioned that researchers hesitate to include targets in the research on workplace bullying because that would mean targets play some part in a bully's antics. Another mentioned that we should be careful to include targets because they are not necessarily part of the equation, and that research should focus on the bullies and organizational factors specifically. I've also noticed most of the websites out there claim that victims are just that. One in particular mentioned that there's nothing wrong with you, victim, but everything is wrong with the bully.

But here's the thing. It takes two to tango. It takes two people to interact. And why do some people go home crying and wailing that they are bullied at work, while others simply go home feeling like their boss is a jerk? The answer is perception, the ability to stand up for yourself, to maintain self-confidence even when something is pushing you down, and to verbally match a bully. Those things mark the difference between a victim and someone who doesn't feel bullied.

I know this might be harsh. But I was once a victim. I can look back on the scenario and blame the bully. I can hate him and what he did to me for the rest of my life.

But I'd rather learn from my experience. What could I have done differently? Why did I let him take my self-confidence? During those arguments in his office what could I have said to change my situation?

The answer is a lot of different things. But the answer is certainly not that it wasn't my fault. I certainly wasn't an innocent bystander. What I felt about my situation determined how it played out. In order to change my life, I needed to stretch my mind, my assertive communication and my ability to stand up for myself.

And moving forward, I intend to do just that. I hope you will join me.

Being Assertive: Part 2

Let's continue with the assertive stuff shall we? Let's talk about how to be assertive.

Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.

Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"

Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.

Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.

Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.

You can handle it.