We are victims of our own perception. We make judgment calls all day long about the people we come across and the places we go. We perceive the situation we're in with the bully as a reality, where there's nothing that can be done about it - because it's a reality. But you can change your perception, and therefore you can change your reality.
When you get to work, do you think about how horrible your day is going to be because of that mean ol' bully? What about going to work and thinking about how positive your day will be because you are better than that little twirp who goes out of his way to make you miserable? Instead of harping on the asshole with your co-workers, and dwelling in how much you despise him, start gearing your co-worker conversations towards how much you like each other, your jobs and your company. Don't focus on the negativity the bully brings to your workplace.
As you change your perception of your situation you'll notice your reality will change. Your perception can in fact be rewarding, if you focus on staying positive.
Don't be a victim of your own perception, change your attitudes, change your life.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Change your outlook. Act the part. Bully will notice (and stop acting like a jerk-off).
Have you ever come across one of those people that just seems to have success and happiness bleeding out of their ears? Everyone seems to like them, they are always in a good mood, and they just seem to really enjoy life.
And have you ever come across one of those people that just seems to have bad luck with people, and with their jobs? They're usually very hard working, honest, and generally nice, but for some reason they just can't seem to get ahead in life.
What makes them so different? Why can one person be so happy and one be so miserable? The answer is their outlook, or perception of the events going on around them.
The former wakes up each morning enjoying life. No matter what happens that day, he is happy with his life and his situation. He learns from the mistakes he makes, and he doesn't blame them on others.
The latter wakes up each morning upset with life and the situations he anticipates coming across that day. He often blames others when things go wrong and rarely learns from his experiences.
In 2003, some researchers found that while 1/3rd of participants were the receipient of office asshole antics, only 1/5th actually identified themselves as a victim of them.* Well how could that be? The observers watched all of these people get yelled at and belittled, but some don't show any sign of feeling bullied, while others do.
The answer is their outlook, or perception of the events going on around them.
If you're feeling victimized by a bully at work, perhaps now's a good time to take a look at your outlook. I'm not saying, by any means, that the bullying is your fault or you're making it up in your head.
What I am saying is you may not have the power to change your boss, but you do have the power to change your outlook, or your perception of the events going on around you.
While you're getting ready for work each morning, tell yourself you will not feel bullied today. Tell yourself you will not allow the jerk to hurt your feelings. Tell yourself you have the power to overcome it. Although not in your bathroom with you, the bully will notice.
During the day, as you walk toward the stupid bully's office to make your daily report, walk with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. When you get to her office, walk in with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. And when you walk away from the encounter, walk with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. The bully will notice.
On your drive home, drive with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. Take a breath of fresh air and remind yourself that you are a smart, intelligent person who knows how to do your job, and who has respect from co-workers. Although not in your passenger seat (thank goodness!), the bully will notice.
Change your outlook. Act the part. Bully will notice (and stop acting like a jerk-off).
*Jennifer, D., Cowie, H., & Ananiadou, K. (2003). Perceptions and expeerience of workplace bullying in five different working populations. Aggressive Behavior, 29, 489-496.
And have you ever come across one of those people that just seems to have bad luck with people, and with their jobs? They're usually very hard working, honest, and generally nice, but for some reason they just can't seem to get ahead in life.
What makes them so different? Why can one person be so happy and one be so miserable? The answer is their outlook, or perception of the events going on around them.
The former wakes up each morning enjoying life. No matter what happens that day, he is happy with his life and his situation. He learns from the mistakes he makes, and he doesn't blame them on others.
The latter wakes up each morning upset with life and the situations he anticipates coming across that day. He often blames others when things go wrong and rarely learns from his experiences.
In 2003, some researchers found that while 1/3rd of participants were the receipient of office asshole antics, only 1/5th actually identified themselves as a victim of them.* Well how could that be? The observers watched all of these people get yelled at and belittled, but some don't show any sign of feeling bullied, while others do.
The answer is their outlook, or perception of the events going on around them.
If you're feeling victimized by a bully at work, perhaps now's a good time to take a look at your outlook. I'm not saying, by any means, that the bullying is your fault or you're making it up in your head.
What I am saying is you may not have the power to change your boss, but you do have the power to change your outlook, or your perception of the events going on around you.
While you're getting ready for work each morning, tell yourself you will not feel bullied today. Tell yourself you will not allow the jerk to hurt your feelings. Tell yourself you have the power to overcome it. Although not in your bathroom with you, the bully will notice.
During the day, as you walk toward the stupid bully's office to make your daily report, walk with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. When you get to her office, walk in with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. And when you walk away from the encounter, walk with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. The bully will notice.
On your drive home, drive with your head held high, shoulders back, and chin in the air. Take a breath of fresh air and remind yourself that you are a smart, intelligent person who knows how to do your job, and who has respect from co-workers. Although not in your passenger seat (thank goodness!), the bully will notice.
Change your outlook. Act the part. Bully will notice (and stop acting like a jerk-off).
*Jennifer, D., Cowie, H., & Ananiadou, K. (2003). Perceptions and expeerience of workplace bullying in five different working populations. Aggressive Behavior, 29, 489-496.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Do unto others as they would do unto you...
Remember the Golden Rule? Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Let's tweak it a little... how about: Treat others just like they treat you.
I know, I know, it seems rude. But communication experts call it "mirroring" and I recommend giving it a try when dealing with your office asshole.
Mirroring is essentially playing copy cat with a person's nonverbal communication style in order to create a more relaxed situation. Nonverbal communication is of course any gestures you make while speaking, but it also includes:
During your next interview pay attention to the interviewer's body language, and as she changes her leg cross, you do it along with her. As he picks up his cup of coffee to drink, you pick up that bottled water you brought along and take a quick swig. If she's talking at a quick pace and seems very excited, then you should do something similar. (Don't do this with every single gesture he or she makes, that will make you seem weird. Do it strategically throughout the interview silly.) Again, this creates a subconscious connection within the interviewer's mind, and you may very well land the job because of it.
What does this have to do with handling a bully? Obviously anything you do at this point isn't going to bring a warm fuzzy feeling to the bully when he thinks of you, or get him to assign you that project you've been wanting. But it will allow you to create a bit of a subconscious connection - which isn't a bad start.
Start mirroring the bully during conversations, meetings and phone calls. Match the rate of speech, the tone, the tempo, the volume, and even some word choice. If he speaks at a slow pace speak at a matching one, and if his volume goes up so should yours. Try to emulate the bully's attitude, and if she drinks you drink, if he folds his arms you fold yours.
This is going to take a bit of practice, and it's also going to take some courage - particularly matching tone and volume of voice because it's more noticeable than copying something like a leg cross. But you can do it, with a little faith in yourself. And remember that you don't deserve to be treated that way.
This is a start to standing up for yourself. This is a resistance strategy will help keep the bully from targeting you.
Let's tweak it a little... how about: Treat others just like they treat you.
I know, I know, it seems rude. But communication experts call it "mirroring" and I recommend giving it a try when dealing with your office asshole.
Mirroring is essentially playing copy cat with a person's nonverbal communication style in order to create a more relaxed situation. Nonverbal communication is of course any gestures you make while speaking, but it also includes:
- rate of speech
- tone of voice
- facial expressions
- breathing
- attitude
- tempo
- word choice
Essentially, nonverbal communication is everything but the bathroom sink, or everything but the actual words you say.
So, for example, I advise my customer service trainees to slow down their speaking rate and volume to match the customer on the other end of the phone. I tell them to do this because it creates a sense of comfort and trust on the client's part, and the client feels a subconscious connection with the customer service representative. This leaves the customer with a warm fuzzy feeling and a good impression of the company when the call is over.During your next interview pay attention to the interviewer's body language, and as she changes her leg cross, you do it along with her. As he picks up his cup of coffee to drink, you pick up that bottled water you brought along and take a quick swig. If she's talking at a quick pace and seems very excited, then you should do something similar. (Don't do this with every single gesture he or she makes, that will make you seem weird. Do it strategically throughout the interview silly.) Again, this creates a subconscious connection within the interviewer's mind, and you may very well land the job because of it.
What does this have to do with handling a bully? Obviously anything you do at this point isn't going to bring a warm fuzzy feeling to the bully when he thinks of you, or get him to assign you that project you've been wanting. But it will allow you to create a bit of a subconscious connection - which isn't a bad start.
Start mirroring the bully during conversations, meetings and phone calls. Match the rate of speech, the tone, the tempo, the volume, and even some word choice. If he speaks at a slow pace speak at a matching one, and if his volume goes up so should yours. Try to emulate the bully's attitude, and if she drinks you drink, if he folds his arms you fold yours.
This is going to take a bit of practice, and it's also going to take some courage - particularly matching tone and volume of voice because it's more noticeable than copying something like a leg cross. But you can do it, with a little faith in yourself. And remember that you don't deserve to be treated that way.
This is a start to standing up for yourself. This is a resistance strategy will help keep the bully from targeting you.
Friday, April 18, 2008
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Day in and day out, the bully Kate worked with attempted to micromanage her, and turn their boss against her. He picked fights with her, harassed her, and showed up in her office once in awhile to yell at her. Over the course of Kate’s employment in that position her mental health declined steadily, with stress and anxiety increasing almost daily.
Toward the end of her five-year stint in that position, a tattered lined piece of paper hung above her alarm clock with the words “Get up! Get up! Get up!” written in blue highlighter. It was her only source of inspiration, and an ever failing attempt at motivating herself to actually get out of bed when the alarm went off. Depression increasing, so was the number of times she hit the sleep button each morning.
On the drive home the day Kate finally quit, she swore she’d never be that unhappy again. The decision had been made, and she learned later that the desire to follow through with it was immensely powerful. One day in her next position, where work days were normally happy and even fun, her boss sent her a rather scathing email in response to a mistake she’d made, which he cc’ed to half the company and all of the management team. He also heckled Kate a few separate times as he walked by her desk to the water cooler, and in an office with no cubicle walls or privacy, everyone could hear him.
At the receipt of the email, Kate had a few choices.
She could ignore it, or write a timid apology claiming she would never let it happen again. But that would have led her down the path of becoming yet another victim of yet another office bully. The other option was to stand up for herself, and compose a polite, yet firm, response.
So she clicked “reply to all”, acknowledged (not apologized for) her mistake, provided several options for solution, and advised she was free to discuss them further with him that afternoon, behind a closed door, if he felt so inclined. Within thirty seconds of Kate's clicking “send,” her boss' office door flew open; he marched straight over to Kate, and said, “Fantastic email Kate! Way to put the hammer down!”
The moral: He respected Kate’s new found ability to stand up for herself. He knew he’d bullied her, and he also knew now that she would not allow it. She’d ended it once and for all by standing up for herself, and it did not happen again.
You have the ability to change your situation, and as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
Toward the end of her five-year stint in that position, a tattered lined piece of paper hung above her alarm clock with the words “Get up! Get up! Get up!” written in blue highlighter. It was her only source of inspiration, and an ever failing attempt at motivating herself to actually get out of bed when the alarm went off. Depression increasing, so was the number of times she hit the sleep button each morning.
On the drive home the day Kate finally quit, she swore she’d never be that unhappy again. The decision had been made, and she learned later that the desire to follow through with it was immensely powerful. One day in her next position, where work days were normally happy and even fun, her boss sent her a rather scathing email in response to a mistake she’d made, which he cc’ed to half the company and all of the management team. He also heckled Kate a few separate times as he walked by her desk to the water cooler, and in an office with no cubicle walls or privacy, everyone could hear him.
At the receipt of the email, Kate had a few choices.
She could ignore it, or write a timid apology claiming she would never let it happen again. But that would have led her down the path of becoming yet another victim of yet another office bully. The other option was to stand up for herself, and compose a polite, yet firm, response.
So she clicked “reply to all”, acknowledged (not apologized for) her mistake, provided several options for solution, and advised she was free to discuss them further with him that afternoon, behind a closed door, if he felt so inclined. Within thirty seconds of Kate's clicking “send,” her boss' office door flew open; he marched straight over to Kate, and said, “Fantastic email Kate! Way to put the hammer down!”
The moral: He respected Kate’s new found ability to stand up for herself. He knew he’d bullied her, and he also knew now that she would not allow it. She’d ended it once and for all by standing up for herself, and it did not happen again.
You have the ability to change your situation, and as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Exceeds Expectations
I went to an ASTD luncheon a few weeks ago, and the Director of Training & Development for Cox Communications here in San Diego was the keynote speaker.
Somewhere in her speech, and in between my bland broiled chicken and not-so-good cheesecake, she talked about what kind of person would make a leader in Cox, versus what kind of person would not.
In terms of Communicating Effectively, she indicated that a successful leader in Cox would meet the following criteria:
- Articulately clarifies purpose and follows a logical sequence when explaining complex issues
- Communicates vision and goals
- Shares ideas, opinions, and concerns openly with team members and actively seeks input
- Adjusts communication style to audience, uses terms and examples relevant to the audience
A person that would not be a successful leader in Cox would meet the following criteria:
- Consistently has difficulty clarifying purpose and following logical sequence when explaining ideas
- Fails to communicate vision and goals
- Does not share ideas, opinions and concerns openly with team members or listen to input
- Consistently has difficulty adjusting communication style to audience
Now let me put this in perspective for you.
A person that is not victimized by a bully will meet the following criteria:
- Articulately clarifies purpose and follows a logical sequence when explaining complex issues
- Communicates vision and goals
- Shares ideas, opinions, and concerns openly with team members and actively seeks input
- Adjusts communication style to audience, uses terms and examples relevant to the audience
A person that is victimized by a bully will meet the following criteria:
- Consistently has difficulty clarifying purpose and following logical sequence when explaining ideas
- Fails to communicate vision and goals
- Does not share ideas, opinions and concerns openly with team members or listen to input
- Consistently has difficulty adjusting communication style to audience
Now by no means is this the end all, be all, of all the bully talk. But, for the most part, people who communicate with fervor and vision, and pay attention to what's going on around them, are less likely to feel bullied than someone who doesn't speak up and ignores differences in their audience, thereby not adjusting for it accordingly.
Somewhere in her speech, and in between my bland broiled chicken and not-so-good cheesecake, she talked about what kind of person would make a leader in Cox, versus what kind of person would not.
In terms of Communicating Effectively, she indicated that a successful leader in Cox would meet the following criteria:
- Articulately clarifies purpose and follows a logical sequence when explaining complex issues
- Communicates vision and goals
- Shares ideas, opinions, and concerns openly with team members and actively seeks input
- Adjusts communication style to audience, uses terms and examples relevant to the audience
A person that would not be a successful leader in Cox would meet the following criteria:
- Consistently has difficulty clarifying purpose and following logical sequence when explaining ideas
- Fails to communicate vision and goals
- Does not share ideas, opinions and concerns openly with team members or listen to input
- Consistently has difficulty adjusting communication style to audience
Now let me put this in perspective for you.
A person that is not victimized by a bully will meet the following criteria:
- Articulately clarifies purpose and follows a logical sequence when explaining complex issues
- Communicates vision and goals
- Shares ideas, opinions, and concerns openly with team members and actively seeks input
- Adjusts communication style to audience, uses terms and examples relevant to the audience
A person that is victimized by a bully will meet the following criteria:
- Consistently has difficulty clarifying purpose and following logical sequence when explaining ideas
- Fails to communicate vision and goals
- Does not share ideas, opinions and concerns openly with team members or listen to input
- Consistently has difficulty adjusting communication style to audience
Now by no means is this the end all, be all, of all the bully talk. But, for the most part, people who communicate with fervor and vision, and pay attention to what's going on around them, are less likely to feel bullied than someone who doesn't speak up and ignores differences in their audience, thereby not adjusting for it accordingly.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Manager Troubles
Borrowed from blog posted by Evil HR Lady at:
http://evilhrlady.blogspot.com/2008/03/manager-troubles.html
(I had to do it - I love her answer.)
Manager Troubles
What is the best way to deal with a team leader who is constantly putting others down verbally, cussing me and other employees, and milking the time clock for overtime? I have been to the HR dept. here and all they have done is get my team leader to sign a paper saying he will not use inappropriate language. Of course he never quit being a jerk. It's getting very frustrating for me.
I am a maintenance clerk at a company that makes car parts. I am responsible for ordering whatever maintenance needs and doing inventory on a monthly basis on the parts we have. Other people who have had my job in the past have been to seminars to learn about maintenance duties and the programs that I use, but when I ask if there is anything I can do to further my knowledge they tell me I can't go. I feel really ignored and looked over.
Please help if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this or at least how I can make my days go a little smoother. My motivation for my job is just about disappearing.
Unfortunately, being a jerk isn't illegal, as long as he's an equal opportunity jerk, which I'll assume that he is.
I'm going to caution you right now, that my advice may result in you being fired for insubordination, depending on how much power your team lead has and how wimpy your HR department is. I'm sure my brilliant readers will have better advice that will magically turn your team lead into the nicest person on the planet, but I don't know what that is.
First, I'm going to ask you to read something that you'll think is totally bizarre in relationship to your question. This is an account of a woman who thought she was going to be attacked and how she handled it. For those of you too lazy to click, a brief summary is that she was in a parking garage, alone, and there was a man there not acting how one would expect. As she's walking in, she knows he's behind her.
This is what happened next:
Then I abruptly turn around and ask “Can I help you with something?” while making sure to stare straight in his face. When I did this, I discovered he was not more than a couple steps behind me. He had gotten way too close. My abrupt turn and question caught the Character off guard. The look on his face was priceless. He managed to mumble a ‘no’ and walked past me as I stood there watching him.
The security camera later shows him running away--not what a normal person would have done in the parking lot.
Why do I share this? Because jerks are jerks because they can be and no one objects. This potential criminal changed his action when someone objected. I think you can apply the same concept to your team lead.
The next time he's a jerk, say calmly, "That behavior is not appropriate and I won't be treated like that." This is especially effective if there are other people in the room. If he continues to yell or undermine or whatever, just repeat, "You are still acting inappropriately. I am happy to do whatever work is necessary, but I will be treated with respect.
"The first time you do this he will probably be so shocked he won't know what to say. Or, he may fire you. As I said, there is definitely danger in this, but I've found that bullies really are so not used to being confronted that it stops them in their tracks.
As for training, stop asking if there is anything you can do to improve your skills. Start asking directly. "There is a training class for X on June 5th and 6th at Y location. This would directly benefit my position because it would teach me Z. I've filled out the registration form and I just need your signature."
I'd be shocked if he said no, but if he does, then be prepared. "Is there a specific reason I can't go? The three previous people in this job attended this class." or "If there is a scheduling conflict, it will be taught again in September. I'll go then. Here's the form for that."
Force him to give you a reason why you can't go. As I said, this may fail miserably and you may get fired (and never come here for advice again! Although, think of the free time you'll have to surf the net!), but you don't have a great desire to stay there anyway. Polish up your resume before you start your jerk training. Document EVERYTHING. This will be needed proof when you apply for unemployment.
http://evilhrlady.blogspot.com/2008/03/manager-troubles.html
(I had to do it - I love her answer.)
Manager Troubles
What is the best way to deal with a team leader who is constantly putting others down verbally, cussing me and other employees, and milking the time clock for overtime? I have been to the HR dept. here and all they have done is get my team leader to sign a paper saying he will not use inappropriate language. Of course he never quit being a jerk. It's getting very frustrating for me.
I am a maintenance clerk at a company that makes car parts. I am responsible for ordering whatever maintenance needs and doing inventory on a monthly basis on the parts we have. Other people who have had my job in the past have been to seminars to learn about maintenance duties and the programs that I use, but when I ask if there is anything I can do to further my knowledge they tell me I can't go. I feel really ignored and looked over.
Please help if you have any suggestions on how to deal with this or at least how I can make my days go a little smoother. My motivation for my job is just about disappearing.
Unfortunately, being a jerk isn't illegal, as long as he's an equal opportunity jerk, which I'll assume that he is.
I'm going to caution you right now, that my advice may result in you being fired for insubordination, depending on how much power your team lead has and how wimpy your HR department is. I'm sure my brilliant readers will have better advice that will magically turn your team lead into the nicest person on the planet, but I don't know what that is.
First, I'm going to ask you to read something that you'll think is totally bizarre in relationship to your question. This is an account of a woman who thought she was going to be attacked and how she handled it. For those of you too lazy to click, a brief summary is that she was in a parking garage, alone, and there was a man there not acting how one would expect. As she's walking in, she knows he's behind her.
This is what happened next:
Then I abruptly turn around and ask “Can I help you with something?” while making sure to stare straight in his face. When I did this, I discovered he was not more than a couple steps behind me. He had gotten way too close. My abrupt turn and question caught the Character off guard. The look on his face was priceless. He managed to mumble a ‘no’ and walked past me as I stood there watching him.
The security camera later shows him running away--not what a normal person would have done in the parking lot.
Why do I share this? Because jerks are jerks because they can be and no one objects. This potential criminal changed his action when someone objected. I think you can apply the same concept to your team lead.
The next time he's a jerk, say calmly, "That behavior is not appropriate and I won't be treated like that." This is especially effective if there are other people in the room. If he continues to yell or undermine or whatever, just repeat, "You are still acting inappropriately. I am happy to do whatever work is necessary, but I will be treated with respect.
"The first time you do this he will probably be so shocked he won't know what to say. Or, he may fire you. As I said, there is definitely danger in this, but I've found that bullies really are so not used to being confronted that it stops them in their tracks.
As for training, stop asking if there is anything you can do to improve your skills. Start asking directly. "There is a training class for X on June 5th and 6th at Y location. This would directly benefit my position because it would teach me Z. I've filled out the registration form and I just need your signature."
I'd be shocked if he said no, but if he does, then be prepared. "Is there a specific reason I can't go? The three previous people in this job attended this class." or "If there is a scheduling conflict, it will be taught again in September. I'll go then. Here's the form for that."
Force him to give you a reason why you can't go. As I said, this may fail miserably and you may get fired (and never come here for advice again! Although, think of the free time you'll have to surf the net!), but you don't have a great desire to stay there anyway. Polish up your resume before you start your jerk training. Document EVERYTHING. This will be needed proof when you apply for unemployment.
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