When dealing with a steamroller, also known as the verbal "big bully," stay calm. Typically, they are trying to "rile you up," wanting you to elevate your emotions to their level. Don't let them do it. Keep eye contact with them. Remain assertive. Let them go on and on, let them unwind. Then when they spool down a bit, interrupt them!
When you interrupt them, you will have the chance you need to become assertive. That's when you pick up the ball. One effective approach is close to Muhammad Ali's Rope-A-Dope! Muhammad Ali was known to have the ability take a great many punches to his mid-section. He would lean against the ropes, and let his opponent "box himself out"/get tired. He would wait for his opportunity, and then, BAM! He would knock them out. In a similar fashion, you should do the same thing verbally when dealing with the steamroller. Allow them to verbally wear themselves out, and then, when you see your opportunity, BAM! You take your turn.
Call them by name, and then say, "OK, now wait a minute, I have something to say. I've been listening to you, now you listen to me." You will start, and what will happen? They will interrupt! What should you do? Be assertive! Say, "Hey, I said wait a minute. I listened to you, now it's my turn." Don't back down! That's what they expect! Also remember to keep eye contact. Just don't back down. You may not "win" the argument or discussion, but once you stand up to them, they typically will become your best buddy. It only takes one time! They may still bully other people on your team, but they won't bully you any longer. By going "toe to toe" with them, you may have just earned their respect.
From Tim McClintock, PMP, Global Knowledge Instructor, Dealing with Specific Types of Difficult People - Global Knowledge's Expert Reference Series of White Papers
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"Ver IIegar"
"Ver IIegar"
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What would you have done differently?
What would you do differently?
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Write your own script
Being bullied at work is hard on us. It tears us down, it rips us apart, it takes away our dignity. We don't need to reach very far inside us to notice the inner damage we feel when we tell yet another chapter of the bully-at-work saga to our loved ones. We don't need to dig very deep to feel pain while we re-live Friday's ridiculous bully-encounter as we lay in bed early Monday morning wishing we didn't have to go to work.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Quick Quote
"In a time of crisis we all have the potential to morph up to a new level and do things we never thought possible."— Stuart Wilde, author, researcher on consciousness
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Polly Want a Cracker?
Don't want to speak up to the bully yet? Too scared? Too unsure? Don't worry. There's actually something you can say that's not quite a comeback, but it's not just "taking it" either. It's called, "Parroting." You don't have to feel brave or sure of yourself to do this.
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
Monday, July 7, 2008
Understanding Power: The Pistol That Fires In Both Directions
THE LOCK: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
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