— Wayne Dyer: Self-development author and speaker
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Being Assertive: Part 2
Let's continue with the assertive stuff shall we? Let's talk about how to be assertive.
Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.
Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"
Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.
Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.
Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.
You can handle it.
Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.
Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"
Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.
Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.
Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.
You can handle it.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Being Assertive
A woman approached me after one of my recent workplace bully workshops to tell me about her experiences being bullied at work. After working in her school district for over 20 years, her last 3 years have been miserable thanks to a new boss. The new boss has begun giving the woman who approached me very low performance reviews, despite over 20 years of really good reviews, promotions and raises. The new boss is essentially using the annual employee reviews as a venue for bullying.
Thus far, the woman hasn’t said anything to her new bullying boss, but has reported the incidences to her union. The union has indicated they will refrain from taking any action until she brings the issue to the attention of HR. And she hasn’t done that because she fears the repercussions. She is also scared of her boss, and perhaps rightfully so.
But not addressing the issue directly with the boss is a problem. I recommended that she try to be more assertive.
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes and rights without stepping on other people’s toes. It’s not aggressiveness – that would make you a bully. But it’s not being a doormat either.
Assertiveness is dependent upon feeling good about yourself and a sense that your behavior will produce the results you are seeking. Therefore it requires confidence, along with the following three parts: a) validation, b) statement of problem, and c) statement of solution.
a) Validation refers to showing your understanding of the other person.
For example, saying something like, “I understand you believe my performance is below par” will acknowledge the bully’s point of view, even if you disagree with it. But remember he or she is seeking power, so dismissing the bully’s opinions may not be the answer either.
b) Statement of problem describes your difficulty or dissatisfaction, and explains why something needs to change.
For example, “But when you write these negative things on my performance review without providing any real tangible evidence of their existence it hurts our working relationship and my ability to continue to produce satisfactory work for you.”
c) Statement of solution provides a specific request for a specific change in the other person’s behavior.
For example, “I have received over 20 years of positive and even raving reviews, so clearly there is a disconnect in our relationship, because all of a sudden the reviews I receive from you are not so positive. I believe I continue to be a fantastic contributing employee, so your reviews concern me. From now on, I expect that we will work together on any of the areas you feel need improvement. So when are you free to meet with me to discuss your review in greater detail and provide tangible goals for me to reach? And by the way, I will be bringing another co-worker with me to the meeting just to sit in and listen.”
From here, you’ve cornered him or her into having to take a meeting with you. As scared as you might be to attend that meeting, this is what standing up for yourself is all about. Bring a co-worker, as is your right, so the bully is less inclined to use that behavior during the meeting. If the bullying does come out, now you’ve got a witness. This guest’s role should simply be to sit in the corner and listen. They should not say anything at all.
If the bullying boss will not take a meeting with you, send a few emails attempting to schedule it. If still no response, then send an email to HR indicating that you’d like to work on your performance, but can’t get a meeting with your boss to discuss performance goals.
Remember, bullies pick on everyone, but they single out the people that allow the bullying to occur. Start demonstrating you’re not okay with being treated that way by serving your self-confidence up to him or her on a silver platter. Mrs Roosevelt had it right when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Thus far, the woman hasn’t said anything to her new bullying boss, but has reported the incidences to her union. The union has indicated they will refrain from taking any action until she brings the issue to the attention of HR. And she hasn’t done that because she fears the repercussions. She is also scared of her boss, and perhaps rightfully so.
But not addressing the issue directly with the boss is a problem. I recommended that she try to be more assertive.
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes and rights without stepping on other people’s toes. It’s not aggressiveness – that would make you a bully. But it’s not being a doormat either.
Assertiveness is dependent upon feeling good about yourself and a sense that your behavior will produce the results you are seeking. Therefore it requires confidence, along with the following three parts: a) validation, b) statement of problem, and c) statement of solution.
a) Validation refers to showing your understanding of the other person.
For example, saying something like, “I understand you believe my performance is below par” will acknowledge the bully’s point of view, even if you disagree with it. But remember he or she is seeking power, so dismissing the bully’s opinions may not be the answer either.
b) Statement of problem describes your difficulty or dissatisfaction, and explains why something needs to change.
For example, “But when you write these negative things on my performance review without providing any real tangible evidence of their existence it hurts our working relationship and my ability to continue to produce satisfactory work for you.”
c) Statement of solution provides a specific request for a specific change in the other person’s behavior.
For example, “I have received over 20 years of positive and even raving reviews, so clearly there is a disconnect in our relationship, because all of a sudden the reviews I receive from you are not so positive. I believe I continue to be a fantastic contributing employee, so your reviews concern me. From now on, I expect that we will work together on any of the areas you feel need improvement. So when are you free to meet with me to discuss your review in greater detail and provide tangible goals for me to reach? And by the way, I will be bringing another co-worker with me to the meeting just to sit in and listen.”
From here, you’ve cornered him or her into having to take a meeting with you. As scared as you might be to attend that meeting, this is what standing up for yourself is all about. Bring a co-worker, as is your right, so the bully is less inclined to use that behavior during the meeting. If the bullying does come out, now you’ve got a witness. This guest’s role should simply be to sit in the corner and listen. They should not say anything at all.
If the bullying boss will not take a meeting with you, send a few emails attempting to schedule it. If still no response, then send an email to HR indicating that you’d like to work on your performance, but can’t get a meeting with your boss to discuss performance goals.
Remember, bullies pick on everyone, but they single out the people that allow the bullying to occur. Start demonstrating you’re not okay with being treated that way by serving your self-confidence up to him or her on a silver platter. Mrs Roosevelt had it right when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Friday, October 31, 2008
Quote of the Day
"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."
Victor Frankl: Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist
Victor Frankl: Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Annoyer, antagonizer, browbeater, bulldozer, coercer...
My thesaurus uses terms like annoyer, antagonizer, browbeater, bulldozer, coercer, insolent, intimidator, oppressor, persecutor, pest, rascal, ruffian, terrorizor and tormentor to describe the word bully.
Going to work can be very difficult when you know among the cubicle walls lurks an antagonistic, annoying, browbeating, coercive, ruffian of a pest co-worker. Feeling like a deer scared to tip toe down to the water in fear of the lion lurking in the tall grass, the trip to work can certainly cause anxiety. Once you get there, the depression and other negative feelings kick in. That dread can cause us to lose sight of things, and lose faith in ourselves.
But think about this. Every minute of every day we are thinking. Every second we are thinking about all kinds of things from what to cook for dinner to how to handle the bully at work. You never stop thinking, and therefore you never stop affirming for yourself that the goings on around you are in fact true reality. Every second of every day you are affirming beliefs in something. Even now you are agreeing or disagreeing with what you are reading, and thus affirming your belief (or disbelief) in the content of this blog.
“My child is doing really great on his baseball team.” There. You made it true in your mind. “That customer was rude.” There. Now it’s a reality. “The new marketing manager is kind of cute.” There. You affirmed something else. “That bully is hurting my feelings.” “My loyalty to management has just dropped off the chart altogether as a result of the way I am treated.” “It doesn’t matter what I do, that person will never respect me.” Oops, you did it again.
When you say those things to yourself you affirm they are true. You make them so. These thoughts affirm the bully is winning, and knocking you out cold. These thoughts take away your desire to succeed in the organization, or even in your career. They affirm that you have given up.
Wouldn’t it be nice if your reality was “I am the best out there at my job.” “I absolutely deserve respect from everyone I work with.” “I am a confident, dependable and important employee.” Aren’t these thoughts better?
You are in charge of your own reality. You write the story, not the bully.
Going to work can be very difficult when you know among the cubicle walls lurks an antagonistic, annoying, browbeating, coercive, ruffian of a pest co-worker. Feeling like a deer scared to tip toe down to the water in fear of the lion lurking in the tall grass, the trip to work can certainly cause anxiety. Once you get there, the depression and other negative feelings kick in. That dread can cause us to lose sight of things, and lose faith in ourselves.
But think about this. Every minute of every day we are thinking. Every second we are thinking about all kinds of things from what to cook for dinner to how to handle the bully at work. You never stop thinking, and therefore you never stop affirming for yourself that the goings on around you are in fact true reality. Every second of every day you are affirming beliefs in something. Even now you are agreeing or disagreeing with what you are reading, and thus affirming your belief (or disbelief) in the content of this blog.
“My child is doing really great on his baseball team.” There. You made it true in your mind. “That customer was rude.” There. Now it’s a reality. “The new marketing manager is kind of cute.” There. You affirmed something else. “That bully is hurting my feelings.” “My loyalty to management has just dropped off the chart altogether as a result of the way I am treated.” “It doesn’t matter what I do, that person will never respect me.” Oops, you did it again.
When you say those things to yourself you affirm they are true. You make them so. These thoughts affirm the bully is winning, and knocking you out cold. These thoughts take away your desire to succeed in the organization, or even in your career. They affirm that you have given up.
Wouldn’t it be nice if your reality was “I am the best out there at my job.” “I absolutely deserve respect from everyone I work with.” “I am a confident, dependable and important employee.” Aren’t these thoughts better?
You are in charge of your own reality. You write the story, not the bully.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Honest talk about bullying
A dear friend in the Bay Area clipped this article written by Gwen Minor and Margaret Lavin (Elementary, My Dears column: Honest talk about bullying) from the San Mateo Times, 9/15/08, and sent it to me in the mail. These days everyone I know sends me anything "bully" they come across.
The article offers tips for parents who's children may be getting bullied at school. But interestingly enough, it absolutely applies to bullies at work. So here you have it, 4 tips for dealing with bullies at work:
1: First and foremost, tell someone, preferably an adult (at work). If you get no help, tell someone else, and keep telling until the bullying stops.
2: Keep people around you. Bullies pick on (people) who are isolated... Remember, there is safety in numbers.
3: Help others who are in need. If you witness bullying, refuse to join in. Walk away and report the bullying. Speak out if you feel safe and, if possible, get a friend or two to help you.
Just standing beside the bully's target or inviting him to join your group can relieve the situation.
Chances are the bully who picks on you also attacks some of your peers. You may be able to prevent future suffering from happening.
4: Get active. (Competent and confident employees are safe from bullies. Continue to do your work and do it well. This will ensure no one can come down on you for that. You should also find ways to get more involved in work too (I'm not saying take on more work load). For example, your department might be seeking volunteers for a special project, or HR may be seeking event planning help for the company holiday party. Get to know as many people in the organization as you can in order to maximize your support system.)
With these strategies, (you) will be safe from the harm of bullies and may even help change the climate at (work).
The most important strategy for all of us is to be kind. Kindness, more than anything else, is the death of bullying. One act of kindness may be enough to lessen another person's pain or give someone hope.
The article offers tips for parents who's children may be getting bullied at school. But interestingly enough, it absolutely applies to bullies at work. So here you have it, 4 tips for dealing with bullies at work:
1: First and foremost, tell someone, preferably an adult (at work). If you get no help, tell someone else, and keep telling until the bullying stops.
2: Keep people around you. Bullies pick on (people) who are isolated... Remember, there is safety in numbers.
3: Help others who are in need. If you witness bullying, refuse to join in. Walk away and report the bullying. Speak out if you feel safe and, if possible, get a friend or two to help you.
Just standing beside the bully's target or inviting him to join your group can relieve the situation.
Chances are the bully who picks on you also attacks some of your peers. You may be able to prevent future suffering from happening.
4: Get active. (Competent and confident employees are safe from bullies. Continue to do your work and do it well. This will ensure no one can come down on you for that. You should also find ways to get more involved in work too (I'm not saying take on more work load). For example, your department might be seeking volunteers for a special project, or HR may be seeking event planning help for the company holiday party. Get to know as many people in the organization as you can in order to maximize your support system.)
With these strategies, (you) will be safe from the harm of bullies and may even help change the climate at (work).
The most important strategy for all of us is to be kind. Kindness, more than anything else, is the death of bullying. One act of kindness may be enough to lessen another person's pain or give someone hope.
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