One of the emerging issues in employment law today is workplace bullying.
Laws have been proposed in at least a dozen states that would address abusive behavior in the workplace, but so far none has become law. The difficulty seems to be in distinguishing bullying from relatively common (albeit obnoxious) management techniques.
In California, the Legislature considered a bill several years ago that would have banned malicious behavior by an employer or manager "that a reasonable person would find hostile, offensive and unrelated to an employer’s legitimate business interests." It died in committee, partly because it was feared that the broad definition would lead to a flood of lawsuits.
Nearly every week I get a call from an employee who complains about a hostile environment at work. When I ask more questions, I often find there is no legal recourse because the boss treats everyone the same way. He or she is an equal opportunity jerk, and the laws that protect employees from discrimination and harassment are of little use in this situation.
But are the courts the best place to address this problem? Can a judge or jury right all of the wrongs – large and small – that people experience on a daily basis? Shouldn’t we expect to take some things in stride and take some responsibility for the way we allow ourselves to be treated?
Discrimination on the basis of status is different. When being female, older or Latino is the cause of unfair treatment, it’s an institutional problem. But when one person feels intimidated by another, it’s often a function of their specific relationship, not the result of a widespread societal bias.
Of course, assault and battery is still illegal, as are threats of violence, even at work. That is not to say that bullying is OK. It’s not.
It’s very damaging to an organization to allow a manager to rule by intimidation. It has been estimated that a single abusive manager can waste $180,000 in a single year.
Even if that manager produces profits in the short run, he or she is killing the goose to get those golden eggs. There is no excuse for genuine abuse in the workplace, but a legal definition needs to be narrower than simply "hostile" or "offensive," or we truly risk having courts second guessing every interaction between employer and employee.
HR Consultant Catherine Mattice has studied workplace bullying extensively. She recommends beefing up the employer’s communication practices to avoid the potential losses and liabilities that a generally hostile workplace – even a legal one – can entail.
On her Web site, www.noworkplacebullies.com, she points out ways to recognize bullies in your workplace and steps you can take to reduce dissatisfaction and boost morale. In these times, that’s not a bad goal for any employer.
By Lou Storrow, Chairman of the Carlsbad Chamber of Commerce Board of Directors, Feb 01, 2009
Showing posts with label Catherine Mattice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catherine Mattice. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Announcing Workplace Bully Workshop
The Center for Innovation’s
Professional Development Academy of the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District
Presents:
WORKPLACE BULLIES
A Complimentary Workshop by Catherine Mattice
What: This free workshop will help you put a stop to bullying, whether you are a manager or a target. Catherine Mattice will cover how and why bullies thrive in an organization and the damage they are causing. She will explore why some people may be targeted over others, how to facilitate adjustments in organizational culture, and how to cultivate assertive communication skills.
Who: The Center of Innovation of the Grossmont-Cuyamaca Community College District presents Catherine Mattice, communication consultant and workplace bullying subject matter expert.
When: Wednesday, February 25, 2009
11:00am-12:15pm
Where: Cuyamaca College
Room F-613
900 Rancho San Diego Parkway
El Cajon, CA 92019
RSVP: Pre-registration is required. Registration is FREE. Please RSVP to Katie O’Leary at 619-660-4323 or Kathleen.OLeary@gcccd.edu.
11:00am-12:15pm
Where: Cuyamaca College
Room F-613
900 Rancho San Diego Parkway
El Cajon, CA 92019
RSVP: Pre-registration is required. Registration is FREE. Please RSVP to Katie O’Leary at 619-660-4323 or Kathleen.OLeary@gcccd.edu.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Take back control of your life
This morning I came across a wonderful website, http://www.overcomebullying.org/. The site belongs to an organization devoted to resolving bullying in schools and the workplace (Plug: Sign up for their newsletter), and I found one of their articles to make an extremely good point.
Sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to quit your job. But to most that's not an option, especially in this economy. Overcomebullying.org points out, though, that while your bills are one thing, your mental health and physical state are much more important. While you're thinking, "Can I afford to quit my job and still pay my bills?" what you should be thinking is, "Can I really afford to be this unhappy?"
The fact of the matter is, you don't just shut your feelings of hurt and anxiety off when you leave for the day. They remain with you at all times.
I became a workplace bullying consultant because of my own experiences. I was bullied by another Director-level peer. And... as the HR Director I was fighting for the rights of all of the staff members the bully was bullying. I found myself fighting wars for them in order to ease their own pain, because that's what HR professionals do - take the brunt of the wrath of management if they can.
I left that job not because I quit, necessarily. I left that job because my boss came into my office one day, after about a year of my perpetual tardiness and extremely reduced productivity (normally way out of character for me), to point out that while I was once the highest producer and full of life and ideas, I was not putting in any effort at work anymore. We decided the best option for me was to leave - right then.
So, with my tail between my legs I packed my boxes, and left without warning. Scary... or so you'd think.
When I think back to that day I don't see fear and saddness, I see beautiful rainbows and sunshine. My drive home from work that day, the day I was essentially asked to leave because my tormentor had ripped my self-esteem to shreds, was one of the best days of my life. Over the course of the next few weeks, I could physically feel the monkey climbing down off my back. I could stand up straight again and everything seemed brighter, literally, not metaphorically. My physical state changed - I felt happy and vibrant again. My mental state changed - I could see the world with clarity.
And where there's a will there's a way. I went out and immediately got another job full of life and fun. I loved going to work everyday. I was ultimately laid off, unfortunately, and that's when I decided to start my own consulting firm.
While finding a job immediately may not be so realistic during this time, the economy will change - and you want to be ready when it does.
So start your planning now. Get the ol' resume out and start filling in the gaps. You're lucky because bullies target the smartest people with the most ideas, and the management favorites, so that means you've got a good chance at finding something new.
Keep in mind resumes should contain lots of tangible accomplishments with only a few job tasks that summarize your position. Be sure to keep the resume neat and clean, and use bullet points to make it easier for the resume reviewer to scan. Resumes only get 2-20 seconds of time, so you want to be clear and concise. For more tips on resume writing click on "In the Media" at http://www.catherinemattice.com/. You'll find some great information there.
Also remember that there is no need to bind yourself to another 9-5er with a paycheck every 2 weeks. We often do, because it's steady and it's easy.
But if you want to leave now many companies are hiring consultants to do a little work here and little work there to cover the stuff that a now-laid off person may have been doing. Start asking around and using your business contacts - you may find there's more demand out there for your skills than you thought.
Sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to quit your job. But to most that's not an option, especially in this economy. Overcomebullying.org points out, though, that while your bills are one thing, your mental health and physical state are much more important. While you're thinking, "Can I afford to quit my job and still pay my bills?" what you should be thinking is, "Can I really afford to be this unhappy?"
The fact of the matter is, you don't just shut your feelings of hurt and anxiety off when you leave for the day. They remain with you at all times.
I became a workplace bullying consultant because of my own experiences. I was bullied by another Director-level peer. And... as the HR Director I was fighting for the rights of all of the staff members the bully was bullying. I found myself fighting wars for them in order to ease their own pain, because that's what HR professionals do - take the brunt of the wrath of management if they can.
I left that job not because I quit, necessarily. I left that job because my boss came into my office one day, after about a year of my perpetual tardiness and extremely reduced productivity (normally way out of character for me), to point out that while I was once the highest producer and full of life and ideas, I was not putting in any effort at work anymore. We decided the best option for me was to leave - right then.
So, with my tail between my legs I packed my boxes, and left without warning. Scary... or so you'd think.
When I think back to that day I don't see fear and saddness, I see beautiful rainbows and sunshine. My drive home from work that day, the day I was essentially asked to leave because my tormentor had ripped my self-esteem to shreds, was one of the best days of my life. Over the course of the next few weeks, I could physically feel the monkey climbing down off my back. I could stand up straight again and everything seemed brighter, literally, not metaphorically. My physical state changed - I felt happy and vibrant again. My mental state changed - I could see the world with clarity.
And where there's a will there's a way. I went out and immediately got another job full of life and fun. I loved going to work everyday. I was ultimately laid off, unfortunately, and that's when I decided to start my own consulting firm.
While finding a job immediately may not be so realistic during this time, the economy will change - and you want to be ready when it does.
So start your planning now. Get the ol' resume out and start filling in the gaps. You're lucky because bullies target the smartest people with the most ideas, and the management favorites, so that means you've got a good chance at finding something new.
Keep in mind resumes should contain lots of tangible accomplishments with only a few job tasks that summarize your position. Be sure to keep the resume neat and clean, and use bullet points to make it easier for the resume reviewer to scan. Resumes only get 2-20 seconds of time, so you want to be clear and concise. For more tips on resume writing click on "In the Media" at http://www.catherinemattice.com/. You'll find some great information there.
Also remember that there is no need to bind yourself to another 9-5er with a paycheck every 2 weeks. We often do, because it's steady and it's easy.
But if you want to leave now many companies are hiring consultants to do a little work here and little work there to cover the stuff that a now-laid off person may have been doing. Start asking around and using your business contacts - you may find there's more demand out there for your skills than you thought.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Quick lesson on evolutionary psychology
Evolutionary psychologists say that we develop emotions to keep us safe.
Humans are social creatures, and there are no known societies in the history of the world where being alone was acceptable. We rely on others to live; and to produce food, shelter and clothing for us, keep us company and help us survive. Evolutionary theorists would say, then, that we feel the emotion "aloneness" in order to inspire us find other people when we do end up alone. Being alone means not surviving, and feeling alone prompts us to go and find companionship and other people.
This means you have control of your emotions. You can fix them, and normally you know how. If you feel lonely, you seek someone to be your companion. You feel sad, you seek out something to make you happy. But when it comes to bullying, many of us retract - instead of controlling the emotion of feeling badly about the situation.
But you have a choice.
Humans are social creatures, and there are no known societies in the history of the world where being alone was acceptable. We rely on others to live; and to produce food, shelter and clothing for us, keep us company and help us survive. Evolutionary theorists would say, then, that we feel the emotion "aloneness" in order to inspire us find other people when we do end up alone. Being alone means not surviving, and feeling alone prompts us to go and find companionship and other people.
This means you have control of your emotions. You can fix them, and normally you know how. If you feel lonely, you seek someone to be your companion. You feel sad, you seek out something to make you happy. But when it comes to bullying, many of us retract - instead of controlling the emotion of feeling badly about the situation.
But you have a choice.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Being Assertive: Part 2
Let's continue with the assertive stuff shall we? Let's talk about how to be assertive.
Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.
Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"
Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.
Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.
Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.
You can handle it.
Use assertive body language.
Face the bully and look him or her square in the eye. Do this with a pleasant face, but serious expression. Keep your voice very calm. Stand with your hands on your hips or lean in a little bit while you talk. Do not fold your arms or look down. If you're sitting down, do not cross your legs. Keep both feet on the floor, toes pointed straight out in front of you.
Use a Stop Sign.
When the bully turns on you, and begins to put you down, use a stop sign. Say something like, "Now let's stop here for a minute. What just happened? You are raising your voice at me and I am not certain why." or "Whoa! Is there a reason you are talking down to me like that?" If they don't cool down, and continue to keep a raised voice or condescending tone, then say, "I can see you are awfully upset. I am happy to discuss this with you later when you've calmed down. Are you available later today?"
Use "I" strategically.
When speaking with the bully, keep focused on yourself and your confidence in what you have to say. Example: "I can have the report to you by end of business Tues" instead of, "When do you want the report?" This leaves the bully less opportunity to pick on you, because you've already stated what you can deliver and when. End of story.
Avoid battlephrases.
Avoid saying things like, "He makes me feel bad about myself. He is hurting my feelings." The reality is that you have a choice in the matter - so he isn't doing anything to you. Start saying, "I feel bad about myself" and "My feelings are really hurt." Then see how empowered you feel. You will start to understand your feelings are yours to conquer, and then it becomes easier to change them.
Remember, assertiveness is the belief that if you do something in a certain way, it will work. So gather up that confidence of yours and give some of these things a try. Once you become comfortable, these behaviors will become regular habits, and you'll be feeling much more confident about the situation you are in.
You can handle it.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Being Assertive
A woman approached me after one of my recent workplace bully workshops to tell me about her experiences being bullied at work. After working in her school district for over 20 years, her last 3 years have been miserable thanks to a new boss. The new boss has begun giving the woman who approached me very low performance reviews, despite over 20 years of really good reviews, promotions and raises. The new boss is essentially using the annual employee reviews as a venue for bullying.
Thus far, the woman hasn’t said anything to her new bullying boss, but has reported the incidences to her union. The union has indicated they will refrain from taking any action until she brings the issue to the attention of HR. And she hasn’t done that because she fears the repercussions. She is also scared of her boss, and perhaps rightfully so.
But not addressing the issue directly with the boss is a problem. I recommended that she try to be more assertive.
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes and rights without stepping on other people’s toes. It’s not aggressiveness – that would make you a bully. But it’s not being a doormat either.
Assertiveness is dependent upon feeling good about yourself and a sense that your behavior will produce the results you are seeking. Therefore it requires confidence, along with the following three parts: a) validation, b) statement of problem, and c) statement of solution.
a) Validation refers to showing your understanding of the other person.
For example, saying something like, “I understand you believe my performance is below par” will acknowledge the bully’s point of view, even if you disagree with it. But remember he or she is seeking power, so dismissing the bully’s opinions may not be the answer either.
b) Statement of problem describes your difficulty or dissatisfaction, and explains why something needs to change.
For example, “But when you write these negative things on my performance review without providing any real tangible evidence of their existence it hurts our working relationship and my ability to continue to produce satisfactory work for you.”
c) Statement of solution provides a specific request for a specific change in the other person’s behavior.
For example, “I have received over 20 years of positive and even raving reviews, so clearly there is a disconnect in our relationship, because all of a sudden the reviews I receive from you are not so positive. I believe I continue to be a fantastic contributing employee, so your reviews concern me. From now on, I expect that we will work together on any of the areas you feel need improvement. So when are you free to meet with me to discuss your review in greater detail and provide tangible goals for me to reach? And by the way, I will be bringing another co-worker with me to the meeting just to sit in and listen.”
From here, you’ve cornered him or her into having to take a meeting with you. As scared as you might be to attend that meeting, this is what standing up for yourself is all about. Bring a co-worker, as is your right, so the bully is less inclined to use that behavior during the meeting. If the bullying does come out, now you’ve got a witness. This guest’s role should simply be to sit in the corner and listen. They should not say anything at all.
If the bullying boss will not take a meeting with you, send a few emails attempting to schedule it. If still no response, then send an email to HR indicating that you’d like to work on your performance, but can’t get a meeting with your boss to discuss performance goals.
Remember, bullies pick on everyone, but they single out the people that allow the bullying to occur. Start demonstrating you’re not okay with being treated that way by serving your self-confidence up to him or her on a silver platter. Mrs Roosevelt had it right when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Thus far, the woman hasn’t said anything to her new bullying boss, but has reported the incidences to her union. The union has indicated they will refrain from taking any action until she brings the issue to the attention of HR. And she hasn’t done that because she fears the repercussions. She is also scared of her boss, and perhaps rightfully so.
But not addressing the issue directly with the boss is a problem. I recommended that she try to be more assertive.
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes and rights without stepping on other people’s toes. It’s not aggressiveness – that would make you a bully. But it’s not being a doormat either.
Assertiveness is dependent upon feeling good about yourself and a sense that your behavior will produce the results you are seeking. Therefore it requires confidence, along with the following three parts: a) validation, b) statement of problem, and c) statement of solution.
a) Validation refers to showing your understanding of the other person.
For example, saying something like, “I understand you believe my performance is below par” will acknowledge the bully’s point of view, even if you disagree with it. But remember he or she is seeking power, so dismissing the bully’s opinions may not be the answer either.
b) Statement of problem describes your difficulty or dissatisfaction, and explains why something needs to change.
For example, “But when you write these negative things on my performance review without providing any real tangible evidence of their existence it hurts our working relationship and my ability to continue to produce satisfactory work for you.”
c) Statement of solution provides a specific request for a specific change in the other person’s behavior.
For example, “I have received over 20 years of positive and even raving reviews, so clearly there is a disconnect in our relationship, because all of a sudden the reviews I receive from you are not so positive. I believe I continue to be a fantastic contributing employee, so your reviews concern me. From now on, I expect that we will work together on any of the areas you feel need improvement. So when are you free to meet with me to discuss your review in greater detail and provide tangible goals for me to reach? And by the way, I will be bringing another co-worker with me to the meeting just to sit in and listen.”
From here, you’ve cornered him or her into having to take a meeting with you. As scared as you might be to attend that meeting, this is what standing up for yourself is all about. Bring a co-worker, as is your right, so the bully is less inclined to use that behavior during the meeting. If the bullying does come out, now you’ve got a witness. This guest’s role should simply be to sit in the corner and listen. They should not say anything at all.
If the bullying boss will not take a meeting with you, send a few emails attempting to schedule it. If still no response, then send an email to HR indicating that you’d like to work on your performance, but can’t get a meeting with your boss to discuss performance goals.
Remember, bullies pick on everyone, but they single out the people that allow the bullying to occur. Start demonstrating you’re not okay with being treated that way by serving your self-confidence up to him or her on a silver platter. Mrs Roosevelt had it right when she said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Honest talk about bullying
A dear friend in the Bay Area clipped this article written by Gwen Minor and Margaret Lavin (Elementary, My Dears column: Honest talk about bullying) from the San Mateo Times, 9/15/08, and sent it to me in the mail. These days everyone I know sends me anything "bully" they come across.
The article offers tips for parents who's children may be getting bullied at school. But interestingly enough, it absolutely applies to bullies at work. So here you have it, 4 tips for dealing with bullies at work:
1: First and foremost, tell someone, preferably an adult (at work). If you get no help, tell someone else, and keep telling until the bullying stops.
2: Keep people around you. Bullies pick on (people) who are isolated... Remember, there is safety in numbers.
3: Help others who are in need. If you witness bullying, refuse to join in. Walk away and report the bullying. Speak out if you feel safe and, if possible, get a friend or two to help you.
Just standing beside the bully's target or inviting him to join your group can relieve the situation.
Chances are the bully who picks on you also attacks some of your peers. You may be able to prevent future suffering from happening.
4: Get active. (Competent and confident employees are safe from bullies. Continue to do your work and do it well. This will ensure no one can come down on you for that. You should also find ways to get more involved in work too (I'm not saying take on more work load). For example, your department might be seeking volunteers for a special project, or HR may be seeking event planning help for the company holiday party. Get to know as many people in the organization as you can in order to maximize your support system.)
With these strategies, (you) will be safe from the harm of bullies and may even help change the climate at (work).
The most important strategy for all of us is to be kind. Kindness, more than anything else, is the death of bullying. One act of kindness may be enough to lessen another person's pain or give someone hope.
The article offers tips for parents who's children may be getting bullied at school. But interestingly enough, it absolutely applies to bullies at work. So here you have it, 4 tips for dealing with bullies at work:
1: First and foremost, tell someone, preferably an adult (at work). If you get no help, tell someone else, and keep telling until the bullying stops.
2: Keep people around you. Bullies pick on (people) who are isolated... Remember, there is safety in numbers.
3: Help others who are in need. If you witness bullying, refuse to join in. Walk away and report the bullying. Speak out if you feel safe and, if possible, get a friend or two to help you.
Just standing beside the bully's target or inviting him to join your group can relieve the situation.
Chances are the bully who picks on you also attacks some of your peers. You may be able to prevent future suffering from happening.
4: Get active. (Competent and confident employees are safe from bullies. Continue to do your work and do it well. This will ensure no one can come down on you for that. You should also find ways to get more involved in work too (I'm not saying take on more work load). For example, your department might be seeking volunteers for a special project, or HR may be seeking event planning help for the company holiday party. Get to know as many people in the organization as you can in order to maximize your support system.)
With these strategies, (you) will be safe from the harm of bullies and may even help change the climate at (work).
The most important strategy for all of us is to be kind. Kindness, more than anything else, is the death of bullying. One act of kindness may be enough to lessen another person's pain or give someone hope.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
5 Quick Solutions to Conflict
The CW San Diego 6 Morning News asked me to appear as a guest and discuss strategies for dealing with workplace conflict. You can check it out if you live in San Diego and are up at 7 am on Monday morning, Oct 13.
Here's what I came up with:
Determine what you need to gain from the conflict.
We often have conflict because our needs are not being met or there's some sort of power struggle. Are you having conflict because you're feelings were hurt and you need an apology? Did someone take an important responsibility away and you need to find something new to make yourself feel useful again? Are you just butting heads with someone and you need to find a way to work together anyway?
Think about:
o What you hope to gain out of this conflict
o What the ideal outcome of the conflict is and whether it is realistic
o What your plans are for getting what you need
Now put yourself in their shoes.
I know this seems awfully difficult and perhaps even unnecessary. Alas, it is very necessary and important in order for you to get anywhere in resolution.
You want this person to see your side. You want them to understand what your needs are in this, so you can feel understood and the problem can feel resolved. Then you can move on.
Well so does she (or he). She wants you to understand what her needs are in this, so the problem can be resolved. Then she can move on.
Try working together.
The first step here is to recognize part of the problem is your fault. You are half the conflict. It "takes two to tango" so to speak. Blaming the other person will not resolve anything, but understanding your role in the problem at hand will.
Approach collaboration with calmness and confidence. Getting emotional will not resolve anything. Remain calm and collected, choose your words carefully, and speak with confidence. Remember, there are two goals: to help the other person see your side, and to understand his or hers.
Finally, avoid battle phrases, or things like, "you always," "you never" and "you make me feel..." These phrases increase the other's defensiveness, and can result in emotions flying off the handle. No one likes to be accused of anything, let alone making you feel anything. You are in charge of your own emotions, so no one makes you anything except you.
Essentially, stick to the facts, and focus on the real problems and issues.
Compromise.
What are you willing to compromise on in order to resolve the conflict? What is the other party willing to compromise on? Can a compromise even be reached?
You won't know unless you ask. So man up, open your mind and your heart, and approach the person you are in conflict with. Is it possible you can come to an agreement?
Maintain professionalism.
Here's what I came up with:
Determine what you need to gain from the conflict.
We often have conflict because our needs are not being met or there's some sort of power struggle. Are you having conflict because you're feelings were hurt and you need an apology? Did someone take an important responsibility away and you need to find something new to make yourself feel useful again? Are you just butting heads with someone and you need to find a way to work together anyway?
Think about:
o What you hope to gain out of this conflict
o What the ideal outcome of the conflict is and whether it is realistic
o What your plans are for getting what you need
Now put yourself in their shoes.
I know this seems awfully difficult and perhaps even unnecessary. Alas, it is very necessary and important in order for you to get anywhere in resolution.
You want this person to see your side. You want them to understand what your needs are in this, so you can feel understood and the problem can feel resolved. Then you can move on.
Well so does she (or he). She wants you to understand what her needs are in this, so the problem can be resolved. Then she can move on.
Try working together.
The first step here is to recognize part of the problem is your fault. You are half the conflict. It "takes two to tango" so to speak. Blaming the other person will not resolve anything, but understanding your role in the problem at hand will.
Approach collaboration with calmness and confidence. Getting emotional will not resolve anything. Remain calm and collected, choose your words carefully, and speak with confidence. Remember, there are two goals: to help the other person see your side, and to understand his or hers.
Finally, avoid battle phrases, or things like, "you always," "you never" and "you make me feel..." These phrases increase the other's defensiveness, and can result in emotions flying off the handle. No one likes to be accused of anything, let alone making you feel anything. You are in charge of your own emotions, so no one makes you anything except you.
Essentially, stick to the facts, and focus on the real problems and issues.
Compromise.
What are you willing to compromise on in order to resolve the conflict? What is the other party willing to compromise on? Can a compromise even be reached?
You won't know unless you ask. So man up, open your mind and your heart, and approach the person you are in conflict with. Is it possible you can come to an agreement?
Maintain professionalism.
First and foremost, continue to do your work, and do it well. Do not get distracted by your conflict, or swept away in gossip or emotions. It's easy to do this because if other's know about your conflict they will ask you about it. Everyone loves dirt. But, talking to co-workers about your issues doesn't make you look good should it come around to the boss that you were blabbing about it.
If you must, go to Human Resources. But make as much attempt as you can to resolve the problem on your own first. Take notes of these encounters and hang on to any emails, notes, memos or other items you collect in relation to the conflict. Then, if you do need to go to HR, you have a trail of your communication with the other party. If the other party is particularly mean during all this, or bullying you, then this documentation becomes even more necessary.
If you keep your cool, and attempt to show the other person an agreement is desired, your conflict should resolve itself.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"Ver IIegar"
"Ver IIegar"
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What would you have done differently?
What would you do differently?
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Write your own script
Being bullied at work is hard on us. It tears us down, it rips us apart, it takes away our dignity. We don't need to reach very far inside us to notice the inner damage we feel when we tell yet another chapter of the bully-at-work saga to our loved ones. We don't need to dig very deep to feel pain while we re-live Friday's ridiculous bully-encounter as we lay in bed early Monday morning wishing we didn't have to go to work.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Quick Quote
"In a time of crisis we all have the potential to morph up to a new level and do things we never thought possible."— Stuart Wilde, author, researcher on consciousness
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Polly Want a Cracker?
Don't want to speak up to the bully yet? Too scared? Too unsure? Don't worry. There's actually something you can say that's not quite a comeback, but it's not just "taking it" either. It's called, "Parroting." You don't have to feel brave or sure of yourself to do this.
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
Monday, July 7, 2008
Understanding Power: The Pistol That Fires In Both Directions
THE LOCK: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Crazy Guy
The other day I was headed to my lunch appointment in a high rise building. In order to get to the restaurant on the 40th floor, I had to wait in line for one of the elevators that stopped only on floors 21 through 40 to arrive. I spoke with my associate as I waited, hungry, and slightly annoyed just like everyone else around that we’d had to wait this long.
As we stood there, a man with something like crazy wild-eyes came pushing through, his assistant in tow. He pushed his way through the crowd until he’d pushed clear through to the other side, almost gasping for air has he realized we were all waiting for the same thing: the 21st-40th floor elevator. He then made what seemed to be a subtle but very clear classic-temper-tantrum-foot-stomp. It was just one, but I swear I saw it.
The elevator finally arrived and as the doors opened, “Crazy Guy”, as my associate and I had so cleverly named him, stood leaning forward slightly with one hand on his hip, and the other waving his assistant through the crowd to cut in and hop on and be sure they made it on this particular elevator ride. The next one was clearly just too long of a wait for wherever they were headed (hopefully not to the same place I was) and whatever business they were attending to. It must have been so very important for him to act this way.
As so often occurs on these particular trips to the restaurant on the 40th floor, no one got off until floor 40 was reached. Crazy Guy, because he’d been so eager to get on the elevator, had overshot and managed to push his way all the way through the crowd to the very back corner of the elevator. Now, that we were all getting off to put our names in for a table near the window, Crazy Guy found himself at the back of the line.
As we waited for the party of three in front of us to finish their personal business with the hostess, we heard cries from behind us. It was Crazy Guy, commenting on the long wait to someone he was standing near. His assistant stood there quietly by his side, while my associate and I gave each other a look that said, “I hope we don’t have to sit near him!”
Over lunch my associate and I mocked Crazy Guy for his seemingly ridiculous behavior, and after a couple of good laughs, we realized that what we’d really been doing is calling this man a bully. The man never said a word to either of us, and the only talking we did hear was muffled angry comments coming from the back of a line. How then, did we know he was a bully?
We knew because of his body language. He leaned forward slightly during that entire interaction. When he caught you looking at him, he glared right through you, his eyes fixed upon yours as if he was going to take your soul (hence the granting of the name “Crazy Guy”). He pushed through the crowd of people as if he had the right to, and as if we should know better than to get in his way.
The most interesting part of the whole scenario? We let him act that way. All of us did. We all let him bully us. No one said anything to him. No one asked him to apologize for pushing. No one told him to pipe down while we waited. No one pushed him back.
I propose that if someone had asked him for an “excuse me,” that person would have eliminated him or herself as a target of the bully antics. If someone had glared back at him, instead of diverting their eyes to the floor as so many of us did, that person would have easily become exempt from the soul-stealing stare the rest of the elevator ride. If someone had told him “It’s not that bad, just be patient,” while we were in line at the hostess stand, they would have become void to the irrational commentary.
Give it a try…
As we stood there, a man with something like crazy wild-eyes came pushing through, his assistant in tow. He pushed his way through the crowd until he’d pushed clear through to the other side, almost gasping for air has he realized we were all waiting for the same thing: the 21st-40th floor elevator. He then made what seemed to be a subtle but very clear classic-temper-tantrum-foot-stomp. It was just one, but I swear I saw it.
The elevator finally arrived and as the doors opened, “Crazy Guy”, as my associate and I had so cleverly named him, stood leaning forward slightly with one hand on his hip, and the other waving his assistant through the crowd to cut in and hop on and be sure they made it on this particular elevator ride. The next one was clearly just too long of a wait for wherever they were headed (hopefully not to the same place I was) and whatever business they were attending to. It must have been so very important for him to act this way.
As so often occurs on these particular trips to the restaurant on the 40th floor, no one got off until floor 40 was reached. Crazy Guy, because he’d been so eager to get on the elevator, had overshot and managed to push his way all the way through the crowd to the very back corner of the elevator. Now, that we were all getting off to put our names in for a table near the window, Crazy Guy found himself at the back of the line.
As we waited for the party of three in front of us to finish their personal business with the hostess, we heard cries from behind us. It was Crazy Guy, commenting on the long wait to someone he was standing near. His assistant stood there quietly by his side, while my associate and I gave each other a look that said, “I hope we don’t have to sit near him!”
Over lunch my associate and I mocked Crazy Guy for his seemingly ridiculous behavior, and after a couple of good laughs, we realized that what we’d really been doing is calling this man a bully. The man never said a word to either of us, and the only talking we did hear was muffled angry comments coming from the back of a line. How then, did we know he was a bully?
We knew because of his body language. He leaned forward slightly during that entire interaction. When he caught you looking at him, he glared right through you, his eyes fixed upon yours as if he was going to take your soul (hence the granting of the name “Crazy Guy”). He pushed through the crowd of people as if he had the right to, and as if we should know better than to get in his way.
The most interesting part of the whole scenario? We let him act that way. All of us did. We all let him bully us. No one said anything to him. No one asked him to apologize for pushing. No one told him to pipe down while we waited. No one pushed him back.
I propose that if someone had asked him for an “excuse me,” that person would have eliminated him or herself as a target of the bully antics. If someone had glared back at him, instead of diverting their eyes to the floor as so many of us did, that person would have easily become exempt from the soul-stealing stare the rest of the elevator ride. If someone had told him “It’s not that bad, just be patient,” while we were in line at the hostess stand, they would have become void to the irrational commentary.
Give it a try…
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What we say without words
Check this slide show out! Hosted by Kathryn Tolbert, of the Washington Post, "Former FBI Agent Joe Navarro describes how our torsos, hands, feet and legs frequently communicate emotions that are not put into words."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/06/23/GA2008062301669.html?referrer=emaillink
MY FAVORITE PARTS:
NO NO'S
"Crossed arms: Suddenly crossing arms tightly is a sign of discomfort"
"Neck touching: Indicates emotional discomfort, doubt or insecurity"
"Jiggling/kicking foot: Indicates discomfort"
YES YES'
"Fingertips spread apart on a surface: A display of confidence and authority"
"Arms akimbo (hands on your hips): Establishes dominance or communicates there are 'issues"
"Steepling (fingertip to fingertip): A powerful display of confidence"
Give it a try...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/06/23/GA2008062301669.html?referrer=emaillink
MY FAVORITE PARTS:
NO NO'S
"Crossed arms: Suddenly crossing arms tightly is a sign of discomfort"
"Neck touching: Indicates emotional discomfort, doubt or insecurity"
"Jiggling/kicking foot: Indicates discomfort"
YES YES'
"Fingertips spread apart on a surface: A display of confidence and authority"
"Arms akimbo (hands on your hips): Establishes dominance or communicates there are 'issues"
"Steepling (fingertip to fingertip): A powerful display of confidence"
Give it a try...
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