How to deal with workplace bullies

EG Sebastian, author of Communication Skills Magic, interviews me on the topic of workplace bullying. We discuss why people bully, and how to deal with bullying effectively.

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How do you know if you are a workplace bully?

EG Sebastian, author of Communication Skills Magic, interviews me on the topic of workplace bullying. We discuss how you know if you are a workplace bully, what you can do about it, and how to address bullying in your workplace.

Listen to internet radio with BusinessXSuccess on Blog Talk Radio

More on performance reviews and workplace bullies

Yesterday I posted an article about using values to address a bully's performance and behavior. I made a few suggestions on some of the values that would be useful in this sort of process, and then I came across Jon Matsuo's post on LinkedIn. During a conversation there in an organizational development group, Jon posted these examples and I thought they were so great I asked him if I could post them here.

So, here are some more suggestions for values that you can create to help deter bullying behavior in your workplace. Remember, the values should ultimately be defined by your managers and employees to create buy-in, but these are definitely helpful.

1. Team Player – helps others without being asked. Does not let the team down in any way, takes the lead in getting things done. Never puts others down but encourages, teaches and supports them. Works well with all. Takes on the toughest jobs. Always visible working hard.

2. Reliable – Always on time. Completes tasks professionally. Carries out his duties completely. Others have confidence that he will do things the right way every time. Always calls in the day before if he is unable to work. Can be relied on to do extra work if it is required. Consistently puts out great work. Is perfectly honest.

3. Responsible – Takes personal responsibility for getting the job done perfectly, no matter what. Always trying to solve problems, protect the company’s property, image, reputation, costs, and success. Is very careful when driving company vehicles or installing _____. Always comes to work fully ready (Does not drink the night before, never does drugs, gets good night sleep). Knows what each job is about – knows the production notes and special instructions. Asks for clarification if is not sure about anything, or if something doesn’t seem right. Immediately reports unsafe conditions or things that are harmful to any person or the company.

4. Fast Learner- is anxious to learn from others, and is always trying to learn to do things better. Remembers what he has learned and applies it on the job. Thinks of new ideas to use on the job. Asks questions when he is unsure about what and how to do a task... Curious. Teaches others what he has learned.

5. Professional- Realizes that any and every job can be done with pride and high quality. Always has pleasing the client as the highest goal, because it means more business. Earns respect from his appearance, (hair, cleanliness, uniform) his speech, his hard work, safety, and his skill. Helps others abide by rules by his example. Earns the respect of clients and everyone around him. Works hard, and does the right thing when no one is watching.

6. Maturity- Totally trustworthy. Will always do the right thing without being told. Never bends the rules. Unselfish. Is always considerate of others, never offends others with speech or actions. Lets his work speak for him (hard working, skillful, smart) Impresses teammates, management and clients with what a quality person he is. Strong character – is able to think for himself, and follow company report card values rather than being influenced by others.

7. Leadership- has all of the above qualities in abundance. His actions speak well of him in all ways and he is well respected for his work, effort, caring, skill, and integrity. Team mates are willing to follow him because of his example. He always tries to think of ways that he, and the company can be better. Thinks ahead and plans. Communicates well. Humble. Does not try to bully, intimidate, manipulate. Is not afraid to speak up to others in a respectful way. Will stand up for what is right. Always trying to help others to make them successful, and look good.

The values are assigned differing weights, depending on the need for emphasis. The employees know that these are not their values until they live them, and every opportunity is taken to apply them in discussions and decisions.

As you can see there is nothing special about them. They should be put together by targeting the specific needs of the organization.

I view values as tools for getting the organization to where it needs to be. When applied judiciously, people appreciate the positive impact that it can have, and embrace them. Those that don't may not belong there.

Thanks Jon! Visit Jon on LinkedIn here.

Performance reviews and workplace bullies

Can you use the performance process to help a workplace bully curb his or her behavior? Well, they can be very helpful if you’re paying attention to ensuring a positive and healthy culture. Developing a performance evaluation process that includes civility is not too difficult (although changing the bully’s behavior will of course be a challenging process, but worth it in the end).

Many organizations use the performance evaluation process as a once per year thing that everyone despises. Managers hate the process of telling employees they are not meeting goals, and employees of course dread those types of conversations. After a few weeks they’ve forgotten what it is they were supposed to work on and return to normal anyway. This isn’t helpful to the employee, the manager, or the organization.

In order to adjust any type of behavior, whether bullying or not, employee evaluations should be held at a minimum once per quarter. They should also not focus only on what’s going wrong, but should place a focus on what is going right. So don’t forget to talk about where the employee is excelling too.

Before you start the process, you must first develop a list of competencies that are simple and unambiguous, and describe expectations for performance and behavior. Here are some examples of competencies that would be useful for eradicating bullying behavior:

• Communication: Addresses others with an encouraging and positive attitude. Listens to other ideas different from his or her own with an open-mind. Avoids raising his or her voice when frustrated and demonstrates professionalism at all times. Maintains confidentiality of information where required and handles sensitive information with tact.

• Conflict resolution: Understands the value of listening to differences of opinion. Seeks solutions to resolve conflict with a focus on maintaining the relationship. Avoids attacking individuals during periods of conflict, and focuses instead on developing an amicable solution to the issue.

• Collaboration: Seeks out the opinions of others before making decisions that will impact them. Encourages open discussions about issues and searches for innovative solutions. Avoids gossiping or humiliating others.

• Assertiveness: Demonstrates ability to express opinions and convictions in a professional manner and without putting other opinions down. Displays confidence during interactions and deals constructively with other’s differences of opinions.

During reviews, provide the employee a minimum five examples of specific situations where these behavior-based competencies and other performance-based competencies you developed were demonstrated. Describe the positive impact or outcome for the organization as a result of meeting that competency.

After discussing strengths, discuss a maximum of three areas for improvement. Focus on the one major area the employee should work on, particularly their interpersonal skills if the employee is a bully. Be very specific about situations where competencies were not met, how they are harmful for the organization, and what changes you would like to see. Provide clear examples of what “doing it right” would look like. Connect “doing it right” to positive outcomes for the organization.

Next, provide the employee with SMART goals for their behavior change. SMART goals are Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic, and have a Timeline. A bully needs to know what the specific behavior change should look like, how it will be measured, that it is possible to change and you believe in their ability to do so, and by when the change should take place.

Of course bullies cannot change overnight, so your timeline is going to have to be made up of baby steps. If it appears the bully is left unsure of how to change his or her behavior, you may need to bring in a communication skills coach, or even provide a high-level organizational mentor, to help the individual meet these goals.

Programming Healthy Habits of Today for Tomorrow

Dr. Daniel Scott, Author of Verbal Self Defense in the Workplace, wrote this article just for us.

As children we learn new behaviors easily and effortlessly because there is a constant stream of feedback from parents,teachers, friends and family which motivate us to act in a certain way. How it works is quite simple- good feedback makes good feelings and we unconsciously seek to have those feelings more, so we repeat the behavior. Bad feedback makes us feel bad and subsequently we avoid doing that behavior again with the goal of avoiding those bad feelings. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean our learning patterns change all that much -- we still require positive reinforcement to develop habitual, unconscious behavior patterns.

What does this mean for targets of workplace bullying? As you develop communication skills (both internally; talking to yourself -- and externally; talking to bullies) and learn to handle bullies in ways that work best for you, it’s critical that you follow up any of the new, useful behaviors with positive reinforcement to turn those skills into unconscious habits. One effective way to do that is through “future pacing” using visualization.

Future Pacing

Future pacing means taking the positive experience (or skill) and fully imagining (visualize) yourself doing it in the future. To be as effective as possible in programming your unconscious behavioral patterns, let’s start by having you remember a one-time event where you effectively handled a workplace bullying situation. This event can be one small component (ex. you maintained eye contact) or it can be more general (ex. you easily and effortlessly explained yourself in a calm, controlled manner). Whatever behavior you want to replicate, simply find a one time event when you did it in your past -- preferably in the recent past -- and get a clear picture of it in your mind.

Begin by re-experiencing the event through your own senses -- what did you say, do, feel, etc., when you used that behavior? Imagine going through it all again and, if you want to, add extra components to the visualization that make it even more powerful. An example would be to add in the sound of cheering and applause, or a friend giving you thumbs up, in the background. When you have it the way you want it, stop and really notice your success … specifically, feel it and say something to yourself which confirms that you did good.

Having that feeling in mind, imagine a time in the near future -- like a week from now -- and, this time, see yourself from outside your body doing the behavior in a different situation where you’re dealing with a bully. You are now a witness to the event; really focus on noticing the “you” in the imagined future event doing the behavior and then feeling that awareness of success immediately afterwards (go ahead and put that cheering section in again!). As soon as you’ve done that, go further into the future -- imagine a time a few months from now -- and see yourself doing it again in a different situation. Watch as you successfully use the behavior and feel good about it. Finally, do it again even further in the future -- next year perhaps. Watch yourself easily and effortlessly do the behavior automatically in response to bullying and see yourself feeling great about it!

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Using Powerful Words to Regain Power

In his book, The Articulate Executive in Action, Granville Toogood discusses the use of something he calls CVA (communications value added). The rule of CVA is this: what you say and how you say it can determine your success. Once you get the hang of it, it can become your greatest asset.

Practitioners of CVA use the hi-C's: concept, conviction, clarity, candor, credibility, character, coolness, concentration, color, competence, crispness, civility, consistency, continuity, creativity, cohesion, caring and communication. In contrast, those who lack CVA may exhibit emptiness, uncertainty, fuzziness, doubt, fear, absentmindedness, drabness, blather, indifference, and alienation.

Users of CVA speak to "primal mind" - that gut reaction in people. In other words, be innovative; find an opportunity to offer something beneficial to the company, save the company thousands (if not millions) of dollars, or improve productivity; and march right into the next meeting and tell everyone at the table what it takes to make this thing happen. Muscular language has a lot more impact than abstract explanations about your plan.

And finally, use powerful words. Here are some examples.
Say:
cut instead of reduce
slash instead of lower
keep instead of maintain
yet instead of nevertheless
so instead of therefore
but instead of however
grab instead of acquire
strike instead of delete
give instead of donate
big instead of significant
hot instead of fashionable
launch instead of implement

And most of all, don't let that bully steal your confidence away!

Why bullying happens at work: Transforming research with a transactional model

Today’s workers face the costs of insecurity and incivility. Indeed, an abundance of research indicates bullying is prevalent in the workplace and invites serious damaging consequences for victims, observers, and the organization – including depression, reduced quality of work, increased absenteeism and turnover, and resulting loss to the bottom line.

Scholars agree that bullying is caused by a variety of factors working together that ultimately include organizational factors, and target and bully personality and predisposition. Relatively few models however, have addressed the role targets play in the process of bullying and most even advise against taking such perspectives. For example, Einarsen (1999) posits that “the victim is accidentally in a situation where a predator either is demonstrating power or in other ways is trying to exploit an accidental victim” (p. 23). Leymann (1992, 1996) notes that victim personality is irrelevant and that work conditions are the primary cause of aggression. Rayner, Sheehan and Barker (1999) warn that designating targets a role in the process of bullying may remove focus from bullies and the organizations that reward them; and incorrectly allocate responsibility to the victim. Salin (2003) purports that the individual and organization exert influence on each other thereby eradicating the victim of any role in the process of bullying at work.

Certainly blaming victims is unprincipled, but ignoring the active role they play in a relationship with a co-worker is erroneous and precludes victims from taking empowering action against their abusers.

We need a fresh and more realistic view than current scholarship offers and should explore bullying as an ongoing relationship and communication transaction rather than a one-sided exchange. Organizational norms and stressors, culture, and colleagues are ongoing factors in the process of bullying rather than antecedents.

As businesses continue to ignore the problem of bullying at work, it becomes particularly important that we arm victims with the resources needed to successfully maneuver through work. Counseling (read: reactive) is not the answer, communication competence is (read: proactive). But we cannot provide these tools without a more ingenuous understanding of the phenomenon - and one that advocates victim accountability and empowerment. This provides the opportunity to develop tools to facilitate a victims’ own quest for positive change at work.

Otherwise, the victim remains a helpless passerby in his or her own life.

Working with you is killing me

Check out this little gem on YouTube... by Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster

“Contributors to Your Happiness at Work?”

By Prof. Timothy Sharp

I recently surveyed the people on one of my databases (those who have specifically expressed an interest in applying the principles of positive psychology within the workplace) and I asked them, quite simply, what they considered to be the top three contributors to happiness at work. Interestingly, their responses were remarkably consistent. Although the about fifty respondents used slightly different words, the core issues were similar.

Factor #1 - Leadership and Values

First, employees at all levels and across a range of different industries agreed on leadership as important for happiness at work. Respondents repeatedly noted how important it was for the organization as a whole to have clear values and for all who work within the organization to have respect for these values.

One respondent highlighted this by emphasizing her desire that all employees - especially those in positions of authority and leadership - “walked the talk,” and she provided a telling example suggesting that if an employer or organization is ostensibly encouraging staff to seek a balance between work and life that’s it’s not necessarily consistent to send emails at 2a.m.!

As referred to in several chapters of Cameron, Dutton, and Quinn’s wonderful Positive Organizational Scholarship, leadership, therefore, includes clarity of purpose, structure, consistency of behavior, and even better and more positive induction programs.

Factor #2 - Effective, Clear Communication

Following this, but separate enough to warrant its own heading, was the theme of effective and clear communication, especially from management. Although this was indubitably considered an important variable by many if not most of those who responded to the survey, it was also very clear that the theme of communication extended far beyond just the basics of assertiveness.

When people talked about communication they also referred to a desire to have one’s opinions listened to and taken seriously. For example, one respondent referred to the importance of “listening to staff, really hearing what they say, even if it is not what the manager wants to hear.” This point seemed to me to go towards issues of trust and respect.

Once again, this is entirely consistent with several research streams within positive psychology including several of the chapters in Dutton and Ragins’ “Exploring Positive Relationships at Work” as well as Christopher Peterson’s famous summary of positive psychology in three words…”other people matter.”

Factor #3 - Being Thanked and Appreciated

Additionally, employees want to not just be valued as important members of the team and of the organization but, also to be told, frequently and appropriately, that they’re valued. A dominant theme was “being thanked and appreciated.” Many respondents referred to this in one way or other with specific comments including a desire to more often see or hear about managers and colleagues openly congratulating and/or “sending emails around about wins or efforts by people” as well as the potential benefits that could be associated with “more frequently acknowledging the little achievements that everyone does each day.”

To my eyes, this wonderfully reinforced what we know from Robert Emmons’ inspiring work on appreciation and gratitude as well as Marcial Losada’s famous ratio pointing to the benefits of providing a significantly higher proportion of positive feedback than negative (starting at 3:1 and ostensibly 4 or 5:1).

Factor #4 - Strengths

The fourth theme to emerge from the survey indirectly and sometimes very directly revealed the number of people who are increasingly becoming aware of the importance of and benefits associated with identifying and more fully utilizing the strengths of each and every employee.

Responses referred to the desire to have one’s “skills used more” and the desire to receive more “adequate training leading to the prospect of advancement within the organization.” This is entirely consistent with one of the most exciting areas of positive psychology in which problems and deficits are not ignored but, and this is an important but, strengths, qualities, and attributes receive a far greater proportion of our attention. As has been suggested by Marcus Buckingham and others, there’s little doubt that the return on investment is far greater when individuals and organizations focus more on utilizing strengths, as opposed to just fixing weaknesses.

Factor #5 - Fun

And finally, there was general agreement that most workplaces would benefit from encouraging, fostering, and reinforcing a “more fun and light atmosphere,” one in which there was more “regular use of humor.” Every respondent, in one way or other, seemed to recognize the relationship between happiness at work and productivity: this wasn’t a group of people who just wanted to “muck around.” Those who responded seemed very ambitious and hard working, but they also seemed to inherently understand that when employees are having fun, they’re also more energized; when people are happy and enjoying themselves (at least some or most of the time) then they’re more productive and nicer to be around (an issue well summarized in Gostick and Christoper’s “The Levity Effect”).

In Summary

The results of the survey are, quite interestingly, remarkably consistent with the findings from the science of positive psychology and reassuringly, they’re also very consistent with what we, here at The Happiness Institute (www.thehappinessinstitute.com) teach people to do each and every day. Some people out there are already doing it, and that’s great; for others, there’s no reason you can’t aim towards doing more of these things and I can guarantee that if you do…you’ll reap the rewards.

Take the ball and go home

Bullies can't be bullies when they are alone.

If you work with a bully, this is all you need to know. They need you.
A bully is someone who uses physical or psychological force to demean and demoralize someone else. A bully isn't challenging your ideas, or working with you to find a better outcome. A bully is playing a game, one that he or she enjoys and needs. You're welcome to play this game if it makes you happy, but for most people, it will make you miserable. So don't.

The way to work with a bully is not to try to please her or to question the quality of your work or to appease her or to hide from her.

The way to work with a bully is to take the ball and go home. First time, every time.

When there's no ball, there's no game. Bullies hate that. So they'll either behave so they can play with you or they'll go bully someone else.

Call her on her behavior (not who she is, but what she does). "I'm sorry, but when you talk to me like that, I'm unable to do good work. I'll be in my office if you need me." Then walk out, not in a huff, but with a measure of respect for the person (not the behavior).

This is a shocking piece of advice. It might even get you fired. But it will probably save your job and your sanity. Most bullies are deeply unhappy and you might just save their skin. If you're good at what you do, you deserve better than a bully.

From: Seth Godin's blog

Dealing with Difficult People

Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?

No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.

In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.

I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.

Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
Hurting Ourselves - One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.

It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them. There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.

Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict. Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts? When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?

Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward. Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.

Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
Negativity Spreads - I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.

Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right? Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves - it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.

Holding Bullies Accountable

Bullies are people who seek power and control over others. They look for ways to dominate the people they deal with, and they use their evil bullying tactics to overcome you. But who allows the bully to dominate? You do.

Bullies behave as badly as they are allowed to behave. Most often, other people you work with are too scared to say anything to the bully, and managers and HR don't always see the bullying happening. If they do, they choose to ignore it because they don't know how to deal with it, and they don't know how damaging it is to you and the organization. So bullies are left to run rampant - but they only run over the people who lay down flat in the street.

So it's up to you to get out of the street and put a stop sign up. You must protect yourself. You must hold the bully accountable for his or her actions.

Point out the bully's behavior to him or her, and do it in front of other people. During the next staff meeting try: "Why don't you try to talking to me with a less harsh tone. That statement came out pretty sharply, and I'm sure you didn't mean to speak to me like that." You can also try a more assertive tactic: "You need to speak to me with more respect," or, "From now on, when you speak to me try to be more polite." Again, be sure to do this is front of other people - so you have witnesses, and so you have protection. More than likely, the bully will not retort.

The key here is that while we normally tell people not to use the word "you" when addressing others, the bully needs to hear it.

For example, "You make me feel..." is not the proper way to talk to a loved one. It causes us to shut off our ears and stop listening, because it's evaluative and accusatory. "I feel..." is much better and has a much greater likelihood the person you are talking to will continue listening.

But, when talking to a bully, if you say, "I feel like you take advantage of me," the bully will say, "That's your problem." If you say, "You are taking advantage of me. From now on I will not cover you on your extra long lunches," the bully is likely to take the information in. He or she may not like it, but too bad. You are standing your ground.

5 Quick Solutions to Conflict

The CW San Diego 6 Morning News asked me to appear as a guest and discuss strategies for dealing with workplace conflict. You can check it out if you live in San Diego and are up at 7 am on Monday morning, Oct 13.

Here's what I came up with:

Determine what you need to gain from the conflict.

We often have conflict because our needs are not being met or there's some sort of power struggle. Are you having conflict because you're feelings were hurt and you need an apology? Did someone take an important responsibility away and you need to find something new to make yourself feel useful again? Are you just butting heads with someone and you need to find a way to work together anyway?

Think about:
o What you hope to gain out of this conflict
o What the ideal outcome of the conflict is and whether it is realistic
o What your plans are for getting what you need

Now put yourself in their shoes.

I know this seems awfully difficult and perhaps even unnecessary. Alas, it is very necessary and important in order for you to get anywhere in resolution.

You want this person to see your side. You want them to understand what your needs are in this, so you can feel understood and the problem can feel resolved. Then you can move on.

Well so does she (or he). She wants you to understand what her needs are in this, so the problem can be resolved. Then she can move on.

Try working together.

The first step here is to recognize part of the problem is your fault. You are half the conflict. It "takes two to tango" so to speak. Blaming the other person will not resolve anything, but understanding your role in the problem at hand will.

Approach collaboration with calmness and confidence. Getting emotional will not resolve anything. Remain calm and collected, choose your words carefully, and speak with confidence. Remember, there are two goals: to help the other person see your side, and to understand his or hers.

Finally, avoid battle phrases, or things like, "you always," "you never" and "you make me feel..." These phrases increase the other's defensiveness, and can result in emotions flying off the handle. No one likes to be accused of anything, let alone making you feel anything. You are in charge of your own emotions, so no one makes you anything except you.

Essentially, stick to the facts, and focus on the real problems and issues.

Compromise.

What are you willing to compromise on in order to resolve the conflict? What is the other party willing to compromise on? Can a compromise even be reached?

You won't know unless you ask. So man up, open your mind and your heart, and approach the person you are in conflict with. Is it possible you can come to an agreement?

Maintain professionalism.

First and foremost, continue to do your work, and do it well. Do not get distracted by your conflict, or swept away in gossip or emotions. It's easy to do this because if other's know about your conflict they will ask you about it. Everyone loves dirt. But, talking to co-workers about your issues doesn't make you look good should it come around to the boss that you were blabbing about it.

If you must, go to Human Resources. But make as much attempt as you can to resolve the problem on your own first. Take notes of these encounters and hang on to any emails, notes, memos or other items you collect in relation to the conflict. Then, if you do need to go to HR, you have a trail of your communication with the other party. If the other party is particularly mean during all this, or bullying you, then this documentation becomes even more necessary.

If you keep your cool, and attempt to show the other person an agreement is desired, your conflict should resolve itself.

Dealing with the Steamroller

When dealing with a steamroller, also known as the verbal "big bully," stay calm. Typically, they are trying to "rile you up," wanting you to elevate your emotions to their level. Don't let them do it. Keep eye contact with them. Remain assertive. Let them go on and on, let them unwind. Then when they spool down a bit, interrupt them!

When you interrupt them, you will have the chance you need to become assertive. That's when you pick up the ball. One effective approach is close to Muhammad Ali's Rope-A-Dope! Muhammad Ali was known to have the ability take a great many punches to his mid-section. He would lean against the ropes, and let his opponent "box himself out"/get tired. He would wait for his opportunity, and then, BAM! He would knock them out. In a similar fashion, you should do the same thing verbally when dealing with the steamroller. Allow them to verbally wear themselves out, and then, when you see your opportunity, BAM! You take your turn.

Call them by name, and then say, "OK, now wait a minute, I have something to say. I've been listening to you, now you listen to me." You will start, and what will happen? They will interrupt! What should you do? Be assertive! Say, "Hey, I said wait a minute. I listened to you, now it's my turn." Don't back down! That's what they expect! Also remember to keep eye contact. Just don't back down. You may not "win" the argument or discussion, but once you stand up to them, they typically will become your best buddy. It only takes one time! They may still bully other people on your team, but they won't bully you any longer. By going "toe to toe" with them, you may have just earned their respect.

From Tim McClintock, PMP, Global Knowledge Instructor, Dealing with Specific Types of Difficult People - Global Knowledge's Expert Reference Series of White Papers

"Ver IIegar"

"Ver IIegar"

A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.

A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.

Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."

As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.

And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.

What would you have done differently?

What would you do differently?

What a powerful question.

They say hindsight is 20/20...

So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?

Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?

I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.

We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.

But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?

The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.

Recommended Exercise:

Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.

Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:

During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)

And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)

I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)

Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)

Give it a try...

Write your own script

Being bullied at work is hard on us. It tears us down, it rips us apart, it takes away our dignity. We don't need to reach very far inside us to notice the inner damage we feel when we tell yet another chapter of the bully-at-work saga to our loved ones. We don't need to dig very deep to feel pain while we re-live Friday's ridiculous bully-encounter as we lay in bed early Monday morning wishing we didn't have to go to work.

In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.

Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.

Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.

For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.

Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.

Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.

We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?

Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.

We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.

Polly Want a Cracker?

Don't want to speak up to the bully yet? Too scared? Too unsure? Don't worry. There's actually something you can say that's not quite a comeback, but it's not just "taking it" either. It's called, "Parroting." You don't have to feel brave or sure of yourself to do this.

When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.

YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY

You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.

NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"

"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."

That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.

"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."

...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?

So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.

From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too

Understanding Power: The Pistol That Fires In Both Directions

THE LOCK: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?

THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.

The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.

Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.

The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.

An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence

Crazy Guy

The other day I was headed to my lunch appointment in a high rise building. In order to get to the restaurant on the 40th floor, I had to wait in line for one of the elevators that stopped only on floors 21 through 40 to arrive. I spoke with my associate as I waited, hungry, and slightly annoyed just like everyone else around that we’d had to wait this long.

As we stood there, a man with something like crazy wild-eyes came pushing through, his assistant in tow. He pushed his way through the crowd until he’d pushed clear through to the other side, almost gasping for air has he realized we were all waiting for the same thing: the 21st-40th floor elevator. He then made what seemed to be a subtle but very clear classic-temper-tantrum-foot-stomp. It was just one, but I swear I saw it.

The elevator finally arrived and as the doors opened, “Crazy Guy”, as my associate and I had so cleverly named him, stood leaning forward slightly with one hand on his hip, and the other waving his assistant through the crowd to cut in and hop on and be sure they made it on this particular elevator ride. The next one was clearly just too long of a wait for wherever they were headed (hopefully not to the same place I was) and whatever business they were attending to. It must have been so very important for him to act this way.

As so often occurs on these particular trips to the restaurant on the 40th floor, no one got off until floor 40 was reached. Crazy Guy, because he’d been so eager to get on the elevator, had overshot and managed to push his way all the way through the crowd to the very back corner of the elevator. Now, that we were all getting off to put our names in for a table near the window, Crazy Guy found himself at the back of the line.

As we waited for the party of three in front of us to finish their personal business with the hostess, we heard cries from behind us. It was Crazy Guy, commenting on the long wait to someone he was standing near. His assistant stood there quietly by his side, while my associate and I gave each other a look that said, “I hope we don’t have to sit near him!”

Over lunch my associate and I mocked Crazy Guy for his seemingly ridiculous behavior, and after a couple of good laughs, we realized that what we’d really been doing is calling this man a bully. The man never said a word to either of us, and the only talking we did hear was muffled angry comments coming from the back of a line. How then, did we know he was a bully?

We knew because of his body language. He leaned forward slightly during that entire interaction. When he caught you looking at him, he glared right through you, his eyes fixed upon yours as if he was going to take your soul (hence the granting of the name “Crazy Guy”). He pushed through the crowd of people as if he had the right to, and as if we should know better than to get in his way.

The most interesting part of the whole scenario? We let him act that way. All of us did. We all let him bully us. No one said anything to him. No one asked him to apologize for pushing. No one told him to pipe down while we waited. No one pushed him back.

I propose that if someone had asked him for an “excuse me,” that person would have eliminated him or herself as a target of the bully antics. If someone had glared back at him, instead of diverting their eyes to the floor as so many of us did, that person would have easily become exempt from the soul-stealing stare the rest of the elevator ride. If someone had told him “It’s not that bad, just be patient,” while we were in line at the hostess stand, they would have become void to the irrational commentary.

Give it a try…