Dr. Daniel Scott, Author of Verbal Self Defense in the Workplace, wrote this article just for us.
As children we learn new behaviors easily and effortlessly because there is a constant stream of feedback from parents,teachers, friends and family which motivate us to act in a certain way. How it works is quite simple- good feedback makes good feelings and we unconsciously seek to have those feelings more, so we repeat the behavior. Bad feedback makes us feel bad and subsequently we avoid doing that behavior again with the goal of avoiding those bad feelings. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean our learning patterns change all that much -- we still require positive reinforcement to develop habitual, unconscious behavior patterns.
What does this mean for targets of workplace bullying? As you develop communication skills (both internally; talking to yourself -- and externally; talking to bullies) and learn to handle bullies in ways that work best for you, it’s critical that you follow up any of the new, useful behaviors with positive reinforcement to turn those skills into unconscious habits. One effective way to do that is through “future pacing” using visualization.
Future Pacing
Future pacing means taking the positive experience (or skill) and fully imagining (visualize) yourself doing it in the future. To be as effective as possible in programming your unconscious behavioral patterns, let’s start by having you remember a one-time event where you effectively handled a workplace bullying situation. This event can be one small component (ex. you maintained eye contact) or it can be more general (ex. you easily and effortlessly explained yourself in a calm, controlled manner). Whatever behavior you want to replicate, simply find a one time event when you did it in your past -- preferably in the recent past -- and get a clear picture of it in your mind.
Begin by re-experiencing the event through your own senses -- what did you say, do, feel, etc., when you used that behavior? Imagine going through it all again and, if you want to, add extra components to the visualization that make it even more powerful. An example would be to add in the sound of cheering and applause, or a friend giving you thumbs up, in the background. When you have it the way you want it, stop and really notice your success … specifically, feel it and say something to yourself which confirms that you did good.
Having that feeling in mind, imagine a time in the near future -- like a week from now -- and, this time, see yourself from outside your body doing the behavior in a different situation where you’re dealing with a bully. You are now a witness to the event; really focus on noticing the “you” in the imagined future event doing the behavior and then feeling that awareness of success immediately afterwards (go ahead and put that cheering section in again!). As soon as you’ve done that, go further into the future -- imagine a time a few months from now -- and see yourself doing it again in a different situation. Watch as you successfully use the behavior and feel good about it. Finally, do it again even further in the future -- next year perhaps. Watch yourself easily and effortlessly do the behavior automatically in response to bullying and see yourself feeling great about it!
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Showing posts with label communication competence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication competence. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Top 10 Tips for Ringing in the Bully-Free New Year
Workplace bullying is damaging to targets, witnesses and the organization as whole. Targets become depressed and they lose their luster for work. Witnesses lose their loyalty to management. Organizations lose good employees and positive bottom line results.
Meanwhile, organizations that focus on maintaining positive and healthy workplaces have motivated and inspired employees, invest in success, increase retention and reduce turnover, have effective internal communication, demonstrate quality work product and customer service, attract better talent, and minimize costs on workers comp and potential litigation.
That said, here are 10 tips to help your organization have a bully-free 2010:
1. Understand that workplace culture is a business strategy. Strategic culture adjustments can only be made after obtaining buy-in from as many employees as possible. To do this, get them involved in developing a vision of positivity and the corporate policies that back it up. When employees feel included, they are more likely to take heed simply because they are personally invested.
2. Use communication strategically. Leaders and management can use language to deliver a healthy workplace culture, and encourage open discussions and employee empowerment. Develop rituals that applaud interpersonal communication skills, empathy, optimism, conflict resolution and positive attitudes as a part of the routine.
3. Use anti-bully corporate policies as a nail, not as a hammer. I’ve seen a lot of stuff out there claiming the answer to your bully problem is a corporate policy. We can implement policies all day long, but if they don’t have management’s transparent support and employee back up, then who cares. Policies are meant to help the process, but they won’t fix your problem.
4. Use training programs, but they only work if they are backed by performance measurements. Trainings should include topics such as conflict resolution, negotiation, interpersonal communication, assertiveness, empathy, stress management, leadership, optimism and self-examination. Now, just like corporate policies, we can train all day long, but if these programs don’t have performance measurement attached to them then they don’t matter. So expectations regarding proficiency in these areas should be tied to performance and career advancement, and show up in employee goals and awards programs.
To read the rest of this article, click here.
Meanwhile, organizations that focus on maintaining positive and healthy workplaces have motivated and inspired employees, invest in success, increase retention and reduce turnover, have effective internal communication, demonstrate quality work product and customer service, attract better talent, and minimize costs on workers comp and potential litigation.
That said, here are 10 tips to help your organization have a bully-free 2010:
1. Understand that workplace culture is a business strategy. Strategic culture adjustments can only be made after obtaining buy-in from as many employees as possible. To do this, get them involved in developing a vision of positivity and the corporate policies that back it up. When employees feel included, they are more likely to take heed simply because they are personally invested.
2. Use communication strategically. Leaders and management can use language to deliver a healthy workplace culture, and encourage open discussions and employee empowerment. Develop rituals that applaud interpersonal communication skills, empathy, optimism, conflict resolution and positive attitudes as a part of the routine.
3. Use anti-bully corporate policies as a nail, not as a hammer. I’ve seen a lot of stuff out there claiming the answer to your bully problem is a corporate policy. We can implement policies all day long, but if they don’t have management’s transparent support and employee back up, then who cares. Policies are meant to help the process, but they won’t fix your problem.
4. Use training programs, but they only work if they are backed by performance measurements. Trainings should include topics such as conflict resolution, negotiation, interpersonal communication, assertiveness, empathy, stress management, leadership, optimism and self-examination. Now, just like corporate policies, we can train all day long, but if these programs don’t have performance measurement attached to them then they don’t matter. So expectations regarding proficiency in these areas should be tied to performance and career advancement, and show up in employee goals and awards programs.
To read the rest of this article, click here.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Towards Positive Relationships with Workplace Bullies
Outcomes of Workplace Bullying
I was a victim of workplace bullying, along with 70% of the American workforce according to Schat and colleagues. After five years of abuse I’d lost much of my self-esteem and desire to go to work. My thirst for success had drained, and only a tattered piece of paper hanging over my alarm clock that said, “Get up!” motivated me – but not very well. After days of showing up late and a major drop in work product and quality, I was asked to leave the organization. As it turns out my experience is no different than most. According to Namie, 70% of victims are asked to leave their company while only 13% of bullies are disciplined by management.
Now, years later, I am still left with an unanswered question. Why me?
Common Response to Bullying
Unfortunately current academic research and main stream thinking in the area of workplace bullying proscribe this sort of thinking. Rayner and colleagues, for example, warn that “assigning targets a positive role” in bullying may remove focus from bullies and the organizations that reward them; and incorrectly allocate responsibility to the victim. Einarsen posits that “the victim is accidentally in a situation where a predator either is demonstrating power or in other ways is trying to exploit an accidental victim.” Interestingly enough, I have even received emails from other “experts” and counselors who claim my ideas are simply not appropriate.
Bullying as Part of a Relationship
All of us absolutely play an active role in any relationship, whether with a bully or an extraordinarily nice co-worker. Ignoring that fact leaves us with no empowering options when attacked by a tyrant. Communication competence, optimism and resiliency all offer opportunities for us to build a more positive relationship with ourselves and the bullies we battle at work. All three can be learned.
Communication Competence
Communication competence is the ability to communicate effectively and appropriately in any given context. That is, a competent communicator has the capacity to get his or her intended point across with messages that are suitable to the situation. During any communication interaction we experience negative (fear) or positive (desire) motivation to actually be competent; and will either posses or lack the knowledge and skills of an adept communicator. The ability to overcome fear is one example, along with assertiveness, facial expressions, appropriate word choice and proficient conflict management. Luckily, competence can be taught.
Optimism
Optimism, a trait that mediates external events and one’s perception of them according to Seligman and Csikszentmihalyi, may also present an opportunity for targets to develop positive relationships at work. Optimism relates to an individual’s explanation of positive and negative events. Peterson links it to perseverance, success, popularity, and positive mood. Fortunately empirical evidence by Kluemper and colleagues indicates that individuals can also learn optimistic values.
Resilience
Finally, resilient individuals are energetic, curious, and experience positive emotions. Resiliency is about being flexible in stressful experiences and bouncing back when they are over. According to the broaden-and-build theory, negative emotions narrow the options of thought-action and result in wanting to escape fearful situations. According to Tugade and Fredrickson, positive emotions broaden the repertoire and expand the range of behavioral options to include more healthy ones. As such, positive emotions can push out negative responses. This is important to people who are or have been bullied at work because they describe the experience as “feeling ‘beaten,’ ‘abused,’ ‘ripped,’ ‘broken,’ ‘scarred,’ and ‘eviscerated” according to Tracy and colleagues. One can assume, however, that a resilient individual will, in contrast, replace these types of self-destructive assessments with more positive assertive ones.
The Tool Shed
Ultimately, development of tools to facilitate a victims’ quest for positive change at work is imperative as the corporate world continues to ignore workplace bullying and the damage it causes both targets and the organization itself. If we fail to acknowledge the active part targets play in an interaction, they remain helpless bystanders in their own lives. Instead, let’s provide the targets of bullying with the tools needed to develop better relationships with their tormenters. Positive psychology is the tool shed.
This article is © 2009 PositivePsychologyNews.com. The original article was authored by Catherine Mattice on November 2, 2009, and can be seen here. To join the discussion about this article, click here.
References
-Einarsen, S. (1999). The nature and causes of bullying at work. International Journal of Manpower, 20, 16-27. Quotation is on page 23.
-Kluemper, D.H., Little, L.M., & DeGroot, T. (2009). State or trait: effects of state optimism on job-related outcomes. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 30, 209-231.
-Namie, G. (2003). Workplace bullying: Escalated incivility. Ivey Business Journal Online, Article # 9B03TF09. Retrieved October 15, 2009, from http://www.iveybusinessjournal.com/view_article.asp?intArticle_ID=449.
-Peterson, C. (2000). The future of optimism. American Psychologist, 55, 44 -55.
-Rayner, C., Sheehan, M., & Barker, M. (1999). Theoretical approaches to the study of bullying at work. International Journal of Manpower, 20, 11-15.
-Schat, A.C.H., Frone, M.R., & Kelloway, E.K. (2006). Prevalence of workplace aggression in the U.S. workforce: Findings from a national study. In E.K. Kelloway, J. Barling & J.J. Hurrell (Eds.), Handbook of workplace violence (pp. 47-89).Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
-Seligman, M.E.P, & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology – An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1), 5-14.
-Tracy, S.J., Lutgen-Sandvik, P., & Alberts, J.K. (2006). Nightmares, demons and slaves: Exploring the painful metaphors of workplace bullying. Management Communication Quarterly, 20, 148-185. See page 160 for specific reference.
-Tugade, M.M. & Fredrickson, B.L. (2004). Resilient individuals use positive emotions to bounce back from negative emotional experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86, 320-333.
I was a victim of workplace bullying, along with 70% of the American workforce according to Schat and colleagues. After five years of abuse I’d lost much of my self-esteem and desire to go to work. My thirst for success had drained, and only a tattered piece of paper hanging over my alarm clock that said, “Get up!” motivated me – but not very well. After days of showing up late and a major drop in work product and quality, I was asked to leave the organization. As it turns out my experience is no different than most. According to Namie, 70% of victims are asked to leave their company while only 13% of bullies are disciplined by management.
Now, years later, I am still left with an unanswered question. Why me?
Common Response to Bullying
Unfortunately current academic research and main stream thinking in the area of workplace bullying proscribe this sort of thinking. Rayner and colleagues, for example, warn that “assigning targets a positive role” in bullying may remove focus from bullies and the organizations that reward them; and incorrectly allocate responsibility to the victim. Einarsen posits that “the victim is accidentally in a situation where a predator either is demonstrating power or in other ways is trying to exploit an accidental victim.” Interestingly enough, I have even received emails from other “experts” and counselors who claim my ideas are simply not appropriate.
Bullying as Part of a Relationship
All of us absolutely play an active role in any relationship, whether with a bully or an extraordinarily nice co-worker. Ignoring that fact leaves us with no empowering options when attacked by a tyrant. Communication competence, optimism and resiliency all offer opportunities for us to build a more positive relationship with ourselves and the bullies we battle at work. All three can be learned.
Communication Competence
Communication competence is the ability to communicate effectively and appropriately in any given context. That is, a competent communicator has the capacity to get his or her intended point across with messages that are suitable to the situation. During any communication interaction we experience negative (fear) or positive (desire) motivation to actually be competent; and will either posses or lack the knowledge and skills of an adept communicator. The ability to overcome fear is one example, along with assertiveness, facial expressions, appropriate word choice and proficient conflict management. Luckily, competence can be taught.
Optimism
Optimism, a trait that mediates external events and one’s perception of them according to Seligman and Csikszentmihalyi, may also present an opportunity for targets to develop positive relationships at work. Optimism relates to an individual’s explanation of positive and negative events. Peterson links it to perseverance, success, popularity, and positive mood. Fortunately empirical evidence by Kluemper and colleagues indicates that individuals can also learn optimistic values.
Resilience
Finally, resilient individuals are energetic, curious, and experience positive emotions. Resiliency is about being flexible in stressful experiences and bouncing back when they are over. According to the broaden-and-build theory, negative emotions narrow the options of thought-action and result in wanting to escape fearful situations. According to Tugade and Fredrickson, positive emotions broaden the repertoire and expand the range of behavioral options to include more healthy ones. As such, positive emotions can push out negative responses. This is important to people who are or have been bullied at work because they describe the experience as “feeling ‘beaten,’ ‘abused,’ ‘ripped,’ ‘broken,’ ‘scarred,’ and ‘eviscerated” according to Tracy and colleagues. One can assume, however, that a resilient individual will, in contrast, replace these types of self-destructive assessments with more positive assertive ones.
The Tool Shed
Ultimately, development of tools to facilitate a victims’ quest for positive change at work is imperative as the corporate world continues to ignore workplace bullying and the damage it causes both targets and the organization itself. If we fail to acknowledge the active part targets play in an interaction, they remain helpless bystanders in their own lives. Instead, let’s provide the targets of bullying with the tools needed to develop better relationships with their tormenters. Positive psychology is the tool shed.
This article is © 2009 PositivePsychologyNews.com. The original article was authored by Catherine Mattice on November 2, 2009, and can be seen here. To join the discussion about this article, click here.
References
-Einarsen, S. (1999). The nature and causes of bullying at work. International Journal of Manpower, 20, 16-27. Quotation is on page 23.
-Kluemper, D.H., Little, L.M., & DeGroot, T. (2009). State or trait: effects of state optimism on job-related outcomes. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 30, 209-231.
-Namie, G. (2003). Workplace bullying: Escalated incivility. Ivey Business Journal Online, Article # 9B03TF09. Retrieved October 15, 2009, from http://www.iveybusinessjournal.com/view_article.asp?intArticle_ID=449.
-Peterson, C. (2000). The future of optimism. American Psychologist, 55, 44 -55.
-Rayner, C., Sheehan, M., & Barker, M. (1999). Theoretical approaches to the study of bullying at work. International Journal of Manpower, 20, 11-15.
-Schat, A.C.H., Frone, M.R., & Kelloway, E.K. (2006). Prevalence of workplace aggression in the U.S. workforce: Findings from a national study. In E.K. Kelloway, J. Barling & J.J. Hurrell (Eds.), Handbook of workplace violence (pp. 47-89).Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
-Seligman, M.E.P, & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2000). Positive psychology – An introduction. American Psychologist, 55(1), 5-14.
-Tracy, S.J., Lutgen-Sandvik, P., & Alberts, J.K. (2006). Nightmares, demons and slaves: Exploring the painful metaphors of workplace bullying. Management Communication Quarterly, 20, 148-185. See page 160 for specific reference.
-Tugade, M.M. & Fredrickson, B.L. (2004). Resilient individuals use positive emotions to bounce back from negative emotional experiences. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86, 320-333.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Dear Reader
I received the following email from a blog reader. I thought I'd post my response for anyone interested in empowerment.
I need advice on how to deal with jealous bullies who will not respect personal space. I have no tolerance as I have tried to be nice and assertive but they are thick and stupid and as a result I snapped and told one to f%^& off.
How does one tolerate and be assertive when it is constantly ignored?
Dear Reader,
I am going to say some things that you may or may not like, but I feel that I need to be real and honest with you here. It is clear based on the tone of your email that you are extremely frustrated with the situation you have found yourself in. I’m certain most people respond to your question with empathy, and sympathy even. I on the other hand, am going to give you advice that might be a little hard to swallow at first.
Bullies have one motivation – to overpower you.
So take a look at yourself. This is hard. It’s hard to look at ourselves when we feel attacked by someone else. But you cannot control what others do. You can, however, learn to control your own reactions.
In order to do that, you will first need to acknowledge that while you don’t deserve to be treated this way you have indeed allowed the bully to push your buttons. Ask yourself why. Why is this person pushing your buttons? Why do you let him or her push your buttons? After all, you are in control of your own buttons aren’t you?
Next, think about your reaction to the bully. What are you communicating by doing things like using foul language? In addition, be aware of your nonverbal behavior when you are in the same room with the bully. What does your nonverbal communication say? Are you being proactive by standing with your head held high and your confidence-cap on? Or are you being reactive by blurting out unprofessional words?
Once you’ve been able to identify what part you play in the interaction with the bully, think about how you help the bully meet his or her goals. Again, the bully’s goal here is to overpower you. So how do you help the bully meet that goal? The answer is certainly not “nothing” – you are definitely doing “something”. What is it?? Once you figure that out, you can change your behavior accordingly.
Finally, you’ll need to find a way to detach yourself from these emotions you are feeling. Remember, nobody makes you feel anything – feelings are a choice. They are your choice.
You are not an innocent passerby in your own life. You absolutely have the power to change your situation. Change is a choice. Feelings and emotions are a choice. Your response to the bully is a choice. Choose wisely. The bully is playing mental games with you and you have the mental capacity to win this war. I know you do.
And, if in the end, you can’t seem to get past your anger, then it’s time to leave. Your dignity is worth way more than anything your employer is paying you.
I need advice on how to deal with jealous bullies who will not respect personal space. I have no tolerance as I have tried to be nice and assertive but they are thick and stupid and as a result I snapped and told one to f%^& off.
How does one tolerate and be assertive when it is constantly ignored?
Dear Reader,
I am going to say some things that you may or may not like, but I feel that I need to be real and honest with you here. It is clear based on the tone of your email that you are extremely frustrated with the situation you have found yourself in. I’m certain most people respond to your question with empathy, and sympathy even. I on the other hand, am going to give you advice that might be a little hard to swallow at first.
Bullies have one motivation – to overpower you.
So take a look at yourself. This is hard. It’s hard to look at ourselves when we feel attacked by someone else. But you cannot control what others do. You can, however, learn to control your own reactions.
In order to do that, you will first need to acknowledge that while you don’t deserve to be treated this way you have indeed allowed the bully to push your buttons. Ask yourself why. Why is this person pushing your buttons? Why do you let him or her push your buttons? After all, you are in control of your own buttons aren’t you?
Next, think about your reaction to the bully. What are you communicating by doing things like using foul language? In addition, be aware of your nonverbal behavior when you are in the same room with the bully. What does your nonverbal communication say? Are you being proactive by standing with your head held high and your confidence-cap on? Or are you being reactive by blurting out unprofessional words?
Once you’ve been able to identify what part you play in the interaction with the bully, think about how you help the bully meet his or her goals. Again, the bully’s goal here is to overpower you. So how do you help the bully meet that goal? The answer is certainly not “nothing” – you are definitely doing “something”. What is it?? Once you figure that out, you can change your behavior accordingly.
Finally, you’ll need to find a way to detach yourself from these emotions you are feeling. Remember, nobody makes you feel anything – feelings are a choice. They are your choice.
You are not an innocent passerby in your own life. You absolutely have the power to change your situation. Change is a choice. Feelings and emotions are a choice. Your response to the bully is a choice. Choose wisely. The bully is playing mental games with you and you have the mental capacity to win this war. I know you do.
And, if in the end, you can’t seem to get past your anger, then it’s time to leave. Your dignity is worth way more than anything your employer is paying you.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Using Powerful Words to Regain Power
In his book, The Articulate Executive in Action, Granville Toogood discusses the use of something he calls CVA (communications value added). The rule of CVA is this: what you say and how you say it can determine your success. Once you get the hang of it, it can become your greatest asset.
Practitioners of CVA use the hi-C's: concept, conviction, clarity, candor, credibility, character, coolness, concentration, color, competence, crispness, civility, consistency, continuity, creativity, cohesion, caring and communication. In contrast, those who lack CVA may exhibit emptiness, uncertainty, fuzziness, doubt, fear, absentmindedness, drabness, blather, indifference, and alienation.
Users of CVA speak to "primal mind" - that gut reaction in people. In other words, be innovative; find an opportunity to offer something beneficial to the company, save the company thousands (if not millions) of dollars, or improve productivity; and march right into the next meeting and tell everyone at the table what it takes to make this thing happen. Muscular language has a lot more impact than abstract explanations about your plan.
And finally, use powerful words. Here are some examples.
Say:
cut instead of reduce
slash instead of lower
keep instead of maintain
yet instead of nevertheless
so instead of therefore
but instead of however
grab instead of acquire
strike instead of delete
give instead of donate
big instead of significant
hot instead of fashionable
launch instead of implement
And most of all, don't let that bully steal your confidence away!
Practitioners of CVA use the hi-C's: concept, conviction, clarity, candor, credibility, character, coolness, concentration, color, competence, crispness, civility, consistency, continuity, creativity, cohesion, caring and communication. In contrast, those who lack CVA may exhibit emptiness, uncertainty, fuzziness, doubt, fear, absentmindedness, drabness, blather, indifference, and alienation.
Users of CVA speak to "primal mind" - that gut reaction in people. In other words, be innovative; find an opportunity to offer something beneficial to the company, save the company thousands (if not millions) of dollars, or improve productivity; and march right into the next meeting and tell everyone at the table what it takes to make this thing happen. Muscular language has a lot more impact than abstract explanations about your plan.
And finally, use powerful words. Here are some examples.
Say:
cut instead of reduce
slash instead of lower
keep instead of maintain
yet instead of nevertheless
so instead of therefore
but instead of however
grab instead of acquire
strike instead of delete
give instead of donate
big instead of significant
hot instead of fashionable
launch instead of implement
And most of all, don't let that bully steal your confidence away!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Why bullying happens at work: Transforming research with a transactional model
Today’s workers face the costs of insecurity and incivility. Indeed, an abundance of research indicates bullying is prevalent in the workplace and invites serious damaging consequences for victims, observers, and the organization – including depression, reduced quality of work, increased absenteeism and turnover, and resulting loss to the bottom line.
Scholars agree that bullying is caused by a variety of factors working together that ultimately include organizational factors, and target and bully personality and predisposition. Relatively few models however, have addressed the role targets play in the process of bullying and most even advise against taking such perspectives. For example, Einarsen (1999) posits that “the victim is accidentally in a situation where a predator either is demonstrating power or in other ways is trying to exploit an accidental victim” (p. 23). Leymann (1992, 1996) notes that victim personality is irrelevant and that work conditions are the primary cause of aggression. Rayner, Sheehan and Barker (1999) warn that designating targets a role in the process of bullying may remove focus from bullies and the organizations that reward them; and incorrectly allocate responsibility to the victim. Salin (2003) purports that the individual and organization exert influence on each other thereby eradicating the victim of any role in the process of bullying at work.
Certainly blaming victims is unprincipled, but ignoring the active role they play in a relationship with a co-worker is erroneous and precludes victims from taking empowering action against their abusers.
We need a fresh and more realistic view than current scholarship offers and should explore bullying as an ongoing relationship and communication transaction rather than a one-sided exchange. Organizational norms and stressors, culture, and colleagues are ongoing factors in the process of bullying rather than antecedents.
As businesses continue to ignore the problem of bullying at work, it becomes particularly important that we arm victims with the resources needed to successfully maneuver through work. Counseling (read: reactive) is not the answer, communication competence is (read: proactive). But we cannot provide these tools without a more ingenuous understanding of the phenomenon - and one that advocates victim accountability and empowerment. This provides the opportunity to develop tools to facilitate a victims’ own quest for positive change at work.
Otherwise, the victim remains a helpless passerby in his or her own life.
Scholars agree that bullying is caused by a variety of factors working together that ultimately include organizational factors, and target and bully personality and predisposition. Relatively few models however, have addressed the role targets play in the process of bullying and most even advise against taking such perspectives. For example, Einarsen (1999) posits that “the victim is accidentally in a situation where a predator either is demonstrating power or in other ways is trying to exploit an accidental victim” (p. 23). Leymann (1992, 1996) notes that victim personality is irrelevant and that work conditions are the primary cause of aggression. Rayner, Sheehan and Barker (1999) warn that designating targets a role in the process of bullying may remove focus from bullies and the organizations that reward them; and incorrectly allocate responsibility to the victim. Salin (2003) purports that the individual and organization exert influence on each other thereby eradicating the victim of any role in the process of bullying at work.
Certainly blaming victims is unprincipled, but ignoring the active role they play in a relationship with a co-worker is erroneous and precludes victims from taking empowering action against their abusers.
We need a fresh and more realistic view than current scholarship offers and should explore bullying as an ongoing relationship and communication transaction rather than a one-sided exchange. Organizational norms and stressors, culture, and colleagues are ongoing factors in the process of bullying rather than antecedents.
As businesses continue to ignore the problem of bullying at work, it becomes particularly important that we arm victims with the resources needed to successfully maneuver through work. Counseling (read: reactive) is not the answer, communication competence is (read: proactive). But we cannot provide these tools without a more ingenuous understanding of the phenomenon - and one that advocates victim accountability and empowerment. This provides the opportunity to develop tools to facilitate a victims’ own quest for positive change at work.
Otherwise, the victim remains a helpless passerby in his or her own life.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Building Self-Confidence
Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.
Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
Build Self Confidence
1. Dress Sharp
Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.
2. Walk Faster
One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.
3. Good Posture
Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.
4. Personal Commercial
One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.
5. Gratitude
When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.
6. Compliment other people
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
7. Sit in the front rowIn schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
8. Speak up
During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.
9. Work out
Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.
10. Focus on contribution
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.
Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
Build Self Confidence
1. Dress Sharp
Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.
2. Walk Faster
One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.
3. Good Posture
Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.
4. Personal Commercial
One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.
5. Gratitude
When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.
6. Compliment other people
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
7. Sit in the front rowIn schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
8. Speak up
During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.
9. Work out
Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.
10. Focus on contribution
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Take the ball and go home
Bullies can't be bullies when they are alone.
If you work with a bully, this is all you need to know. They need you.
A bully is someone who uses physical or psychological force to demean and demoralize someone else. A bully isn't challenging your ideas, or working with you to find a better outcome. A bully is playing a game, one that he or she enjoys and needs. You're welcome to play this game if it makes you happy, but for most people, it will make you miserable. So don't.
The way to work with a bully is not to try to please her or to question the quality of your work or to appease her or to hide from her.
The way to work with a bully is to take the ball and go home. First time, every time.
When there's no ball, there's no game. Bullies hate that. So they'll either behave so they can play with you or they'll go bully someone else.
Call her on her behavior (not who she is, but what she does). "I'm sorry, but when you talk to me like that, I'm unable to do good work. I'll be in my office if you need me." Then walk out, not in a huff, but with a measure of respect for the person (not the behavior).
This is a shocking piece of advice. It might even get you fired. But it will probably save your job and your sanity. Most bullies are deeply unhappy and you might just save their skin. If you're good at what you do, you deserve better than a bully.
From: Seth Godin's blog
If you work with a bully, this is all you need to know. They need you.
A bully is someone who uses physical or psychological force to demean and demoralize someone else. A bully isn't challenging your ideas, or working with you to find a better outcome. A bully is playing a game, one that he or she enjoys and needs. You're welcome to play this game if it makes you happy, but for most people, it will make you miserable. So don't.
The way to work with a bully is not to try to please her or to question the quality of your work or to appease her or to hide from her.
The way to work with a bully is to take the ball and go home. First time, every time.
When there's no ball, there's no game. Bullies hate that. So they'll either behave so they can play with you or they'll go bully someone else.
Call her on her behavior (not who she is, but what she does). "I'm sorry, but when you talk to me like that, I'm unable to do good work. I'll be in my office if you need me." Then walk out, not in a huff, but with a measure of respect for the person (not the behavior).
This is a shocking piece of advice. It might even get you fired. But it will probably save your job and your sanity. Most bullies are deeply unhappy and you might just save their skin. If you're good at what you do, you deserve better than a bully.
From: Seth Godin's blog
Monday, December 22, 2008
Holding Bullies Accountable
Bullies are people who seek power and control over others. They look for ways to dominate the people they deal with, and they use their evil bullying tactics to overcome you. But who allows the bully to dominate? You do.
Bullies behave as badly as they are allowed to behave. Most often, other people you work with are too scared to say anything to the bully, and managers and HR don't always see the bullying happening. If they do, they choose to ignore it because they don't know how to deal with it, and they don't know how damaging it is to you and the organization. So bullies are left to run rampant - but they only run over the people who lay down flat in the street.
So it's up to you to get out of the street and put a stop sign up. You must protect yourself. You must hold the bully accountable for his or her actions.
Point out the bully's behavior to him or her, and do it in front of other people. During the next staff meeting try: "Why don't you try to talking to me with a less harsh tone. That statement came out pretty sharply, and I'm sure you didn't mean to speak to me like that." You can also try a more assertive tactic: "You need to speak to me with more respect," or, "From now on, when you speak to me try to be more polite." Again, be sure to do this is front of other people - so you have witnesses, and so you have protection. More than likely, the bully will not retort.
The key here is that while we normally tell people not to use the word "you" when addressing others, the bully needs to hear it.
For example, "You make me feel..." is not the proper way to talk to a loved one. It causes us to shut off our ears and stop listening, because it's evaluative and accusatory. "I feel..." is much better and has a much greater likelihood the person you are talking to will continue listening.
But, when talking to a bully, if you say, "I feel like you take advantage of me," the bully will say, "That's your problem." If you say, "You are taking advantage of me. From now on I will not cover you on your extra long lunches," the bully is likely to take the information in. He or she may not like it, but too bad. You are standing your ground.
Bullies behave as badly as they are allowed to behave. Most often, other people you work with are too scared to say anything to the bully, and managers and HR don't always see the bullying happening. If they do, they choose to ignore it because they don't know how to deal with it, and they don't know how damaging it is to you and the organization. So bullies are left to run rampant - but they only run over the people who lay down flat in the street.
So it's up to you to get out of the street and put a stop sign up. You must protect yourself. You must hold the bully accountable for his or her actions.
Point out the bully's behavior to him or her, and do it in front of other people. During the next staff meeting try: "Why don't you try to talking to me with a less harsh tone. That statement came out pretty sharply, and I'm sure you didn't mean to speak to me like that." You can also try a more assertive tactic: "You need to speak to me with more respect," or, "From now on, when you speak to me try to be more polite." Again, be sure to do this is front of other people - so you have witnesses, and so you have protection. More than likely, the bully will not retort.
The key here is that while we normally tell people not to use the word "you" when addressing others, the bully needs to hear it.
For example, "You make me feel..." is not the proper way to talk to a loved one. It causes us to shut off our ears and stop listening, because it's evaluative and accusatory. "I feel..." is much better and has a much greater likelihood the person you are talking to will continue listening.
But, when talking to a bully, if you say, "I feel like you take advantage of me," the bully will say, "That's your problem." If you say, "You are taking advantage of me. From now on I will not cover you on your extra long lunches," the bully is likely to take the information in. He or she may not like it, but too bad. You are standing your ground.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
5 Quick Solutions to Conflict
The CW San Diego 6 Morning News asked me to appear as a guest and discuss strategies for dealing with workplace conflict. You can check it out if you live in San Diego and are up at 7 am on Monday morning, Oct 13.
Here's what I came up with:
Determine what you need to gain from the conflict.
We often have conflict because our needs are not being met or there's some sort of power struggle. Are you having conflict because you're feelings were hurt and you need an apology? Did someone take an important responsibility away and you need to find something new to make yourself feel useful again? Are you just butting heads with someone and you need to find a way to work together anyway?
Think about:
o What you hope to gain out of this conflict
o What the ideal outcome of the conflict is and whether it is realistic
o What your plans are for getting what you need
Now put yourself in their shoes.
I know this seems awfully difficult and perhaps even unnecessary. Alas, it is very necessary and important in order for you to get anywhere in resolution.
You want this person to see your side. You want them to understand what your needs are in this, so you can feel understood and the problem can feel resolved. Then you can move on.
Well so does she (or he). She wants you to understand what her needs are in this, so the problem can be resolved. Then she can move on.
Try working together.
The first step here is to recognize part of the problem is your fault. You are half the conflict. It "takes two to tango" so to speak. Blaming the other person will not resolve anything, but understanding your role in the problem at hand will.
Approach collaboration with calmness and confidence. Getting emotional will not resolve anything. Remain calm and collected, choose your words carefully, and speak with confidence. Remember, there are two goals: to help the other person see your side, and to understand his or hers.
Finally, avoid battle phrases, or things like, "you always," "you never" and "you make me feel..." These phrases increase the other's defensiveness, and can result in emotions flying off the handle. No one likes to be accused of anything, let alone making you feel anything. You are in charge of your own emotions, so no one makes you anything except you.
Essentially, stick to the facts, and focus on the real problems and issues.
Compromise.
What are you willing to compromise on in order to resolve the conflict? What is the other party willing to compromise on? Can a compromise even be reached?
You won't know unless you ask. So man up, open your mind and your heart, and approach the person you are in conflict with. Is it possible you can come to an agreement?
Maintain professionalism.
Here's what I came up with:
Determine what you need to gain from the conflict.
We often have conflict because our needs are not being met or there's some sort of power struggle. Are you having conflict because you're feelings were hurt and you need an apology? Did someone take an important responsibility away and you need to find something new to make yourself feel useful again? Are you just butting heads with someone and you need to find a way to work together anyway?
Think about:
o What you hope to gain out of this conflict
o What the ideal outcome of the conflict is and whether it is realistic
o What your plans are for getting what you need
Now put yourself in their shoes.
I know this seems awfully difficult and perhaps even unnecessary. Alas, it is very necessary and important in order for you to get anywhere in resolution.
You want this person to see your side. You want them to understand what your needs are in this, so you can feel understood and the problem can feel resolved. Then you can move on.
Well so does she (or he). She wants you to understand what her needs are in this, so the problem can be resolved. Then she can move on.
Try working together.
The first step here is to recognize part of the problem is your fault. You are half the conflict. It "takes two to tango" so to speak. Blaming the other person will not resolve anything, but understanding your role in the problem at hand will.
Approach collaboration with calmness and confidence. Getting emotional will not resolve anything. Remain calm and collected, choose your words carefully, and speak with confidence. Remember, there are two goals: to help the other person see your side, and to understand his or hers.
Finally, avoid battle phrases, or things like, "you always," "you never" and "you make me feel..." These phrases increase the other's defensiveness, and can result in emotions flying off the handle. No one likes to be accused of anything, let alone making you feel anything. You are in charge of your own emotions, so no one makes you anything except you.
Essentially, stick to the facts, and focus on the real problems and issues.
Compromise.
What are you willing to compromise on in order to resolve the conflict? What is the other party willing to compromise on? Can a compromise even be reached?
You won't know unless you ask. So man up, open your mind and your heart, and approach the person you are in conflict with. Is it possible you can come to an agreement?
Maintain professionalism.
First and foremost, continue to do your work, and do it well. Do not get distracted by your conflict, or swept away in gossip or emotions. It's easy to do this because if other's know about your conflict they will ask you about it. Everyone loves dirt. But, talking to co-workers about your issues doesn't make you look good should it come around to the boss that you were blabbing about it.
If you must, go to Human Resources. But make as much attempt as you can to resolve the problem on your own first. Take notes of these encounters and hang on to any emails, notes, memos or other items you collect in relation to the conflict. Then, if you do need to go to HR, you have a trail of your communication with the other party. If the other party is particularly mean during all this, or bullying you, then this documentation becomes even more necessary.
If you keep your cool, and attempt to show the other person an agreement is desired, your conflict should resolve itself.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Dealing with the Steamroller
When dealing with a steamroller, also known as the verbal "big bully," stay calm. Typically, they are trying to "rile you up," wanting you to elevate your emotions to their level. Don't let them do it. Keep eye contact with them. Remain assertive. Let them go on and on, let them unwind. Then when they spool down a bit, interrupt them!
When you interrupt them, you will have the chance you need to become assertive. That's when you pick up the ball. One effective approach is close to Muhammad Ali's Rope-A-Dope! Muhammad Ali was known to have the ability take a great many punches to his mid-section. He would lean against the ropes, and let his opponent "box himself out"/get tired. He would wait for his opportunity, and then, BAM! He would knock them out. In a similar fashion, you should do the same thing verbally when dealing with the steamroller. Allow them to verbally wear themselves out, and then, when you see your opportunity, BAM! You take your turn.
Call them by name, and then say, "OK, now wait a minute, I have something to say. I've been listening to you, now you listen to me." You will start, and what will happen? They will interrupt! What should you do? Be assertive! Say, "Hey, I said wait a minute. I listened to you, now it's my turn." Don't back down! That's what they expect! Also remember to keep eye contact. Just don't back down. You may not "win" the argument or discussion, but once you stand up to them, they typically will become your best buddy. It only takes one time! They may still bully other people on your team, but they won't bully you any longer. By going "toe to toe" with them, you may have just earned their respect.
From Tim McClintock, PMP, Global Knowledge Instructor, Dealing with Specific Types of Difficult People - Global Knowledge's Expert Reference Series of White Papers
When you interrupt them, you will have the chance you need to become assertive. That's when you pick up the ball. One effective approach is close to Muhammad Ali's Rope-A-Dope! Muhammad Ali was known to have the ability take a great many punches to his mid-section. He would lean against the ropes, and let his opponent "box himself out"/get tired. He would wait for his opportunity, and then, BAM! He would knock them out. In a similar fashion, you should do the same thing verbally when dealing with the steamroller. Allow them to verbally wear themselves out, and then, when you see your opportunity, BAM! You take your turn.
Call them by name, and then say, "OK, now wait a minute, I have something to say. I've been listening to you, now you listen to me." You will start, and what will happen? They will interrupt! What should you do? Be assertive! Say, "Hey, I said wait a minute. I listened to you, now it's my turn." Don't back down! That's what they expect! Also remember to keep eye contact. Just don't back down. You may not "win" the argument or discussion, but once you stand up to them, they typically will become your best buddy. It only takes one time! They may still bully other people on your team, but they won't bully you any longer. By going "toe to toe" with them, you may have just earned their respect.
From Tim McClintock, PMP, Global Knowledge Instructor, Dealing with Specific Types of Difficult People - Global Knowledge's Expert Reference Series of White Papers
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"Ver IIegar"
"Ver IIegar"
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
A Spanish matadors' phrase for dealing with the beast. A bull.
A large terrifying animal, yet really terrified himself. Though he appears angry he fights for his life. And matadors must use great concentration and calmness to overcome the wrath of this large beast.
Hemingway describes the phrase in Death in the Afternoon: "the ability to watch the bull come as he charges with no thought except to calmly see what he is doing and make the moves necessary to the maneuver you have in mind. To calmly watch the bull come is the most necessary and primarily difficult thing in bullfighting."
As your bull(y) comes charging toward you, nostrils puffing and snorting, watch the charge calmly, with no expression. Observe as the bull(y) rushes toward you. Observe the beast as it's aggression pushes out like a tea kettle's steam pushing though the spout at full speed, desperately aching to exit.
And as you permit, then, the noise shall bounce off the walls around you.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
What would you have done differently?
What would you do differently?
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
What a powerful question.
They say hindsight is 20/20...
So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?
Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?
I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.
We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.
But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?
The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.
Recommended Exercise:
Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.
Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:
During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)
And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)
I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)
Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)
Give it a try...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Write your own script
Being bullied at work is hard on us. It tears us down, it rips us apart, it takes away our dignity. We don't need to reach very far inside us to notice the inner damage we feel when we tell yet another chapter of the bully-at-work saga to our loved ones. We don't need to dig very deep to feel pain while we re-live Friday's ridiculous bully-encounter as we lay in bed early Monday morning wishing we didn't have to go to work.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
In re-living these horrific stories either within our minds or with our confidants, it becomes easier to tell ourselves that things are beyond our control. Your manager won't help, others are being bullied right along with you, and the bully seems to keep getting promoted. Before you know it, discouragement has settled in along with a hefty decline in self-esteem, and we can't see beyond the situation. To us, it seems hopeless.
Now, have you ever noticed that you talk to yourself? We all do it. We all carry on conversations within ourselves while we're driving, brushing our teeth, or having a fresh cup of coffee. And not only do we talk to ourselves, but we tell ourselves stories. We re-live things that have happened to us, and we verbalize those stories to others.
Stories create our sense of self. They help us understand who we are. They give us an identity. They create a "you". They help us organize the things that have transpired in our past so that we can function in society as we move forward toward the future.
For example, you've told yourself the story of the doctor's appointment you attended last week, haven't you? Next time you go the the doctor, you know about what will happen, because it will likely follow the same script as the last appointment. The story you created in your mind provides guidance for the next time you attend the scenario of a doctor's appointment.
Now take a closer look at the other stories you've created in your mind most recently. Regardless of what's happening to you in your life at this moment, you've woven some narratives that explain where you've been and where you're going, who you are and who you're becoming. It's easy to presume that life's events dictate those stories, and that things are beyond our control. Right? But you write the script. You're the author. Things aren't out of control because you can change the script just as easily as I can hit "delete" this very moment and start over on a new blog entry.
Whatever you tell yourself is the indicator of how you will respond to life's various scenarios. Imagine what you could do if you tossed the ol' bully story in the garbage and started on a fresh piece of paper.
We have the power to make choices. We have the power to write our own stories. We are not characters in "The Devil Wears Prada," where the script has been written for us. We are our own authors. That means we have to make decisions about the direction of our stories and what happens to the characters within them. Continue to replay that same old story about being bullied, and guess what will happen?
Start fresh with a new story about a fantastic work-life, and guess what will happen? So open up a fresh new Word doc, pick your favorite font, and begin your new story.
We are not idle passers-by in our own lives, and we have the choice to change things for the better. Be proactive, not reactive, and your scripts will have a Hollywood happy ending.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Polly Want a Cracker?
Don't want to speak up to the bully yet? Too scared? Too unsure? Don't worry. There's actually something you can say that's not quite a comeback, but it's not just "taking it" either. It's called, "Parroting." You don't have to feel brave or sure of yourself to do this.
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
When someone bullies you, either at work, home or school, you just state what happened, or what she said, in a question, without making a judgment about it. This technique allows you to speak up enough so you show the bully you noticed a criticism or a slur, but requires very little courage to pull off. You merely parrot what she just said back to her. Here's an example.
YOUR BOSS HAS NIT-PICKED ALOT LATELY
You're collating and binding multiple folders. It's a process that your boss, Jan, normally pays no attention to. She has never timed anyone else's work, because everyone, including you, always does this quickly. You've noticed she has been nit-picking you for little things for several months, and you've never said anything to her about it. You've hoped she would stop on her own. And besides, it's not "that bad." Maybe she's been having trouble with her husband or her kids, and it has nothing to do with you. (By the way, these explanations to ourselves only allow bullying to continue.) Today, you finish in your usual amount of time. But Jan decides to criticize you.
NOW SHE'S OPENLY CRITICAL, BUT YOU USE "PARROTING"
"That took you an awful long time. You're going to have to pick up your pace around here."
That's unfair, you think. I'll try what I read in Abbey's article the other day.
"I'm taking too long? And I'm going to have to pick up my pace?" You look at her emotionless without confronting orbacking down either."Yeah, just try to speed it up a little."
...when you parrot back what she's saying, it's not necessarily challenging to her. Why? In her own mind, she's not being that critical of you. To her, there's nothing wrong with her words. In fact, she may feel she's hiding her distaste for you rather well. Hearing them back may not sound all that bad to her. It's the fact that you repeat what she said, not her words, that give her notification you may not quite agree with what she said. It throws her off a little, if it doesn't completely stop her. She back pedals a bit, "Just so you know, for future reference."It may not stop her completely. But you'll have registered your objection for her benefit ... and for yours.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS TO YOU?
So, what are the benefits to you for doing it this way? First, it shows her you're not a doormat who will take anything she dishes out. Repeating what she says is both gentle and noticeable. It may discourage more bullying ... a little. A little is better than no discouragement. Second, it requires very little thinking on your part. You just use her words verbatim as a question back to her. Very simple to do. You don't have to be the least bit creative. You don't have to memorize a comeback. The bully hands you what to say when she puts you down. It's right there for you to turn back on her with a question. Third, and most important, you don't feel like a doormat. In fact, you feel pretty good. It feels good to register your opinion, no matter how subtle. It may leave you longing for more of that powerful feeling when you do assert yourself. You may like the way you feel so much that you'll want to speak up more.
From Abby Whitehall, Author Bully Blaster: How I Stopped the Bullying, and You Can Too
Monday, July 7, 2008
Understanding Power: The Pistol That Fires In Both Directions
THE LOCK: I am not a powerful person. Those I face are always more powerful than I. How can I win against them?
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
THE KEY: All power, yours and theirs, is yours.
The secret source of power: When I argue, I face power, the power of the Other. It is the Other's power that I wish to overcome and that I fear. I am therefore fascinated by power and I wish to trace its source. If I understand power, if I understand its nature and where is abides, if I understand how to get it and how to resist it, I will have attained great power of my own. I want power. I need power to win.
Understanding how power works: Power is first an idea, first a perception. The power I face is always the power I perceive. Let me say it differently. Their power is my perception of their power. Their power is my thought. The source of their power is, therefore, in my mind.
The power others possess is the power I give them. Their power is my gift. I give them all the power in the universe, as, indeed, the faithful give to God, or I give them no power at all... if the Other possesses power, but I do not perceive the Other's power as effective against me, he has none - none for me.
An excerpt from How to Argue and Win Everytime, by Gary Spence
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Crazy Guy
The other day I was headed to my lunch appointment in a high rise building. In order to get to the restaurant on the 40th floor, I had to wait in line for one of the elevators that stopped only on floors 21 through 40 to arrive. I spoke with my associate as I waited, hungry, and slightly annoyed just like everyone else around that we’d had to wait this long.
As we stood there, a man with something like crazy wild-eyes came pushing through, his assistant in tow. He pushed his way through the crowd until he’d pushed clear through to the other side, almost gasping for air has he realized we were all waiting for the same thing: the 21st-40th floor elevator. He then made what seemed to be a subtle but very clear classic-temper-tantrum-foot-stomp. It was just one, but I swear I saw it.
The elevator finally arrived and as the doors opened, “Crazy Guy”, as my associate and I had so cleverly named him, stood leaning forward slightly with one hand on his hip, and the other waving his assistant through the crowd to cut in and hop on and be sure they made it on this particular elevator ride. The next one was clearly just too long of a wait for wherever they were headed (hopefully not to the same place I was) and whatever business they were attending to. It must have been so very important for him to act this way.
As so often occurs on these particular trips to the restaurant on the 40th floor, no one got off until floor 40 was reached. Crazy Guy, because he’d been so eager to get on the elevator, had overshot and managed to push his way all the way through the crowd to the very back corner of the elevator. Now, that we were all getting off to put our names in for a table near the window, Crazy Guy found himself at the back of the line.
As we waited for the party of three in front of us to finish their personal business with the hostess, we heard cries from behind us. It was Crazy Guy, commenting on the long wait to someone he was standing near. His assistant stood there quietly by his side, while my associate and I gave each other a look that said, “I hope we don’t have to sit near him!”
Over lunch my associate and I mocked Crazy Guy for his seemingly ridiculous behavior, and after a couple of good laughs, we realized that what we’d really been doing is calling this man a bully. The man never said a word to either of us, and the only talking we did hear was muffled angry comments coming from the back of a line. How then, did we know he was a bully?
We knew because of his body language. He leaned forward slightly during that entire interaction. When he caught you looking at him, he glared right through you, his eyes fixed upon yours as if he was going to take your soul (hence the granting of the name “Crazy Guy”). He pushed through the crowd of people as if he had the right to, and as if we should know better than to get in his way.
The most interesting part of the whole scenario? We let him act that way. All of us did. We all let him bully us. No one said anything to him. No one asked him to apologize for pushing. No one told him to pipe down while we waited. No one pushed him back.
I propose that if someone had asked him for an “excuse me,” that person would have eliminated him or herself as a target of the bully antics. If someone had glared back at him, instead of diverting their eyes to the floor as so many of us did, that person would have easily become exempt from the soul-stealing stare the rest of the elevator ride. If someone had told him “It’s not that bad, just be patient,” while we were in line at the hostess stand, they would have become void to the irrational commentary.
Give it a try…
As we stood there, a man with something like crazy wild-eyes came pushing through, his assistant in tow. He pushed his way through the crowd until he’d pushed clear through to the other side, almost gasping for air has he realized we were all waiting for the same thing: the 21st-40th floor elevator. He then made what seemed to be a subtle but very clear classic-temper-tantrum-foot-stomp. It was just one, but I swear I saw it.
The elevator finally arrived and as the doors opened, “Crazy Guy”, as my associate and I had so cleverly named him, stood leaning forward slightly with one hand on his hip, and the other waving his assistant through the crowd to cut in and hop on and be sure they made it on this particular elevator ride. The next one was clearly just too long of a wait for wherever they were headed (hopefully not to the same place I was) and whatever business they were attending to. It must have been so very important for him to act this way.
As so often occurs on these particular trips to the restaurant on the 40th floor, no one got off until floor 40 was reached. Crazy Guy, because he’d been so eager to get on the elevator, had overshot and managed to push his way all the way through the crowd to the very back corner of the elevator. Now, that we were all getting off to put our names in for a table near the window, Crazy Guy found himself at the back of the line.
As we waited for the party of three in front of us to finish their personal business with the hostess, we heard cries from behind us. It was Crazy Guy, commenting on the long wait to someone he was standing near. His assistant stood there quietly by his side, while my associate and I gave each other a look that said, “I hope we don’t have to sit near him!”
Over lunch my associate and I mocked Crazy Guy for his seemingly ridiculous behavior, and after a couple of good laughs, we realized that what we’d really been doing is calling this man a bully. The man never said a word to either of us, and the only talking we did hear was muffled angry comments coming from the back of a line. How then, did we know he was a bully?
We knew because of his body language. He leaned forward slightly during that entire interaction. When he caught you looking at him, he glared right through you, his eyes fixed upon yours as if he was going to take your soul (hence the granting of the name “Crazy Guy”). He pushed through the crowd of people as if he had the right to, and as if we should know better than to get in his way.
The most interesting part of the whole scenario? We let him act that way. All of us did. We all let him bully us. No one said anything to him. No one asked him to apologize for pushing. No one told him to pipe down while we waited. No one pushed him back.
I propose that if someone had asked him for an “excuse me,” that person would have eliminated him or herself as a target of the bully antics. If someone had glared back at him, instead of diverting their eyes to the floor as so many of us did, that person would have easily become exempt from the soul-stealing stare the rest of the elevator ride. If someone had told him “It’s not that bad, just be patient,” while we were in line at the hostess stand, they would have become void to the irrational commentary.
Give it a try…
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What we say without words
Check this slide show out! Hosted by Kathryn Tolbert, of the Washington Post, "Former FBI Agent Joe Navarro describes how our torsos, hands, feet and legs frequently communicate emotions that are not put into words."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/06/23/GA2008062301669.html?referrer=emaillink
MY FAVORITE PARTS:
NO NO'S
"Crossed arms: Suddenly crossing arms tightly is a sign of discomfort"
"Neck touching: Indicates emotional discomfort, doubt or insecurity"
"Jiggling/kicking foot: Indicates discomfort"
YES YES'
"Fingertips spread apart on a surface: A display of confidence and authority"
"Arms akimbo (hands on your hips): Establishes dominance or communicates there are 'issues"
"Steepling (fingertip to fingertip): A powerful display of confidence"
Give it a try...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2008/06/23/GA2008062301669.html?referrer=emaillink
MY FAVORITE PARTS:
NO NO'S
"Crossed arms: Suddenly crossing arms tightly is a sign of discomfort"
"Neck touching: Indicates emotional discomfort, doubt or insecurity"
"Jiggling/kicking foot: Indicates discomfort"
YES YES'
"Fingertips spread apart on a surface: A display of confidence and authority"
"Arms akimbo (hands on your hips): Establishes dominance or communicates there are 'issues"
"Steepling (fingertip to fingertip): A powerful display of confidence"
Give it a try...
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