How to Manage an Office Bully - from INC Magazine Online

By Raven Hill

The news that former eBay CEO Meg Whitman settled a lawsuit with an employee whom she allegedly shoved has shined a spotlight on office bullying. Here's what you need to know if you have a bully in your workplace

Although bullying in schools has received glaring media coverage with laws enacted to address the problem, workplace bullying has not received as much attention or legal redress. Until, that is, the New York Times and other media outlets reported that California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman had settled a lawsuit for "around $200,000" with an employee who alleged that Whitman had shoved her.



(“Yes, we had an unfortunate incident, but we resolved it in a way that speaks well for her and for eBay,” the employee told the Times.)

The revelation raised the issue of workplace bullying on the national stage, perhaps for the very first time. The reasons behind office bullying are varied, experts say. Many people tend to look at bullying as a "playground problem" – bad behavior, but not harmful. And in most cases, bullying is not illegal, which leaves managers with little recourse. But it is real, experts insist, and deserves serious attention.

Bullying is repeated mistreatment – verbal abuse; threatening, humiliating or intimidating behavior or conduct; or sabotage – that prevents work from getting done and jeopardizes the target's health, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute in Bellingham, Washington. It can be a form of racial or gender discrimination although not necessarily. The bully may be a supervisor, peer colleague or lower-level staffer.

According to a Workplace Bullying Institute study, 72 percent of bullies are bosses and 49 percent of employees report being affected by bullying at work. This guide will help you to rein in an office bully to boost morale and avoid getting caught in a bully's bull's eye.

How to Manage an Office Bully: Are You a Bully?

Denise Dawson, who runs the ReallyBadBoss.com blog, describes her first boss as "the worst bully," a cursing and screaming type who preferred to rule by fear. "We felt like prisoners more than employees," she says. "Morale was awful. Attrition was atrocious."

Continue reading the article here.

Quote of the Day

"The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."

Victor Frankl: Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist

What would you have done differently?

What would you do differently?

What a powerful question.

They say hindsight is 20/20...

So looking back on that interaction with the bully you had today, what would you do differently? Did he or she say something that caused you to cringe, or question your own abilities? What did you do to react? What could you have done differently, now in hindsight? Is there something you can do now to be proactive, rather than reactive?

Looking back now while it's fresh in your mind, what would you have done differently?

I don't have an answer for you. You were there, and you felt your own emotions. So you have to answer this one yourself, but let me give you a little encouragement.

We consistently receive evaluation from other people, all the time. A particularly obvious person is the manager or human resources department at work. They are assigned the task of evaluating everyone in the company, and while they do many things to make the process easier and less damaging to the work force (such as calling them "reviews," "goal-setting," and "career development"), really, they are evaluating you and your work.

But what about you - do you ever evaluate yourself or your "work?" Self-evaluation is one of the most important kinds of evaluation, because only you know what really transpired and why you acted a certain way. But did you underperform or overperform? Did you do everything in your power to show the bully you weren't the victim type? What could you have done differently to make that interaction better and more comfortable for you?

The only way we can learn to defend ourselves is to learn from the past. Evaluate the situation, come up with solutions to the challenge, and try again. Don't allow your fears of the bully or what will become of you as a result of your standing your ground to get in the way - don't let him or her stop you from achieving your goals.

Recommended Exercise:

Take a few moments to jot down a few notes about the most recent interaction you had with the bully, just to help you remember what happened.

Now, make a few bullet points and answer the following questions:

During the interaction I felt:
(Ex. scared, annoyed, frustrated, angry)

And my nonverbal communication showed it, because I was:
(Ex. looking down, not looking the bully in the eye, folding my arms in across my chest)

I felt this way particularly because:
(Ex. I was being yelled at in front of a peer)

Next time I have an interaction with the bully, I will:
(Ex. stand with my hands on my hips, look the bully in the eye, and address the bully with confidence in my voice because I know what I am talking about)

Give it a try...

Don't be a victim of your own perception

We are victims of our own perception. We make judgment calls all day long about the people we come across and the places we go. We perceive the situation we're in with the bully as a reality, where there's nothing that can be done about it - because it's a reality. But you can change your perception, and therefore you can change your reality.

When you get to work, do you think about how horrible your day is going to be because of that mean ol' bully? What about going to work and thinking about how positive your day will be because you are better than that little twirp who goes out of his way to make you miserable? Instead of harping on the asshole with your co-workers, and dwelling in how much you despise him, start gearing your co-worker conversations towards how much you like each other, your jobs and your company. Don't focus on the negativity the bully brings to your workplace.

As you change your perception of your situation you'll notice your reality will change. Your perception can in fact be rewarding, if you focus on staying positive.

Don't be a victim of your own perception, change your attitudes, change your life.

Use Power Words to Shield Yourself from Workplace Bullies

Workplace bullies don't show up to work one morning and decide you're the one they'd like to bully. They don't pick you out of the accounting department as the poor sucker who's gonna get it this week.

Bullies are bullies because they lack communication skills. Perhaps they don't know how to articulate their ideas or frustrations. Perhaps they feel threatened by someone around them, and they backlash as a result. Perhaps they don't trust someone in the organization and it's showing up in their interactions with others.

By the same token, victims lack the ability to communicate effectively with the bully. That's not a slap on you, it's just the basic facts (hey nobody's perfect). The bully pushes on you, the victim, because there's something about you that creates that dynamic between you (and there's something about them). I'm not saying you deserve it or it's your fault. What I am saying is the long-winded version of this: Communication between the two of you just isn't working out so well.

There are some things you can do with your own communication, however, that will keep the bully from attacking you, sort of like a soldier and his shield. I call these communication tactics strategic resistance. These tactics are ways of communicating with everyone (not just the bully) that give you an aura of confidence and leadership - and exhibiting confidence and leadership is enough to keep the bully from bullying you. Exhibiting confidence and leadership is also a way to move ahead at work (a definite bonus).

Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends & Influence People once said, "The ability to speak is a short cut to distinction." Granville Toogood, author of The Articulate Executive, said, "What you say and how you say it determines your success." What these gentlemen mean is that the way you speak certainly gives people an impression of you. With words you have the power to create the person you want to be, and the person you want others to see in you. Sometimes use of formal words like reduce or maintain can be effective (perhaps in something like a resume or business letter), and other times words informal power words are better.

In your next staff meeting, try using:

cut or slash, instead of reduce
yet, instead of nevertheless
so, instead of therefore
give, instead of donate
ask, instead of appeal
launch, instead of implement
but, instead of however
guess, instead of estimate
use, instead of utilize

Do you see where I'm going with this? A simple word like yet is so much more vigorous and full of life than nevertheless. It's got power and pizazz. "We've got to cut costs in order to keep profits up," sounds more intense and persuasive than "We've got to reduce costs to keep profits up." Do you see the difference?

Get a bully across the table from you and use a word like slash, instead of reduce, or so instead of therefore, and you're demonstrating you've got what it takes to be a leader. You're someone not to be messed with.

Being an effective communciator works

I had lunch today with a business associate - and he is a perfect example of a person who avoids feeling bullied by way of having effective communication skills, or social skills. Effective communication (essentially social skills), or what I call strategic resistance, will keep you out of feeling victimized by a workplace bully.

Let's recap lunch - somewhere inbetween our sweet and sour pork and won ton soup we got on the topic of my research on workplace bullies. I told him my interest was in teaching victims of workplace bullying conflict management skills, by way of teaching them communication competence, or successful strategic resistance (social skills). I explained to him that I believed one's communication competence, or ability to effectively communicate with others, would make them less likely to be victimized. If I could teach people effective communication, or how to speak in a manner that asserts power, or stand in an authoritative way, or come across with strength and courage, they could avoid being bullied by nature of these interpersonal skills. This resistance to bullying doesn't require a grievance complaint with management or a conflict management meeting with a supervisor. It does, however, create a way for the victim to essentially push back on the bully, without being confrontational.

He responded by telling me that as a child he was bullied, and sometimes has felt bullied as an adult. He thinks feeling bullied is a result of his lack in conflict management skills, or ability to confront others. He avoids confrontation like the Black Plague he says, and that lends itself to feeling like a victim of bullying.

On the other hand, he proceeded, "The other day a co-worker told me she was intimidated by me up until she got to know me quite a bit better" and he thought, "How could someone be intimidated by lil' ol' me?" My answer to him: "You communicate with confidence. You command power like no other when you walk through a room. You understand communication better than most people" (we went to grad school together, and he teaches at some of the major San Diego universities).

The point? Today's lunch buddy may not have conflict management skills when it comes right down to it, but what he does have is the ability to avoid getting into a situation involving conflict in the first place. He avoids these situations because he can communicate well. His gestures and word choice communicate power and authority, and friendliness, and even humor. Communicating effectively will keep your feeling like a victim contained. If you can exude power and confidence, the bully can't touch you.

You are not a helpless victim, contrary to popular belief

The ABC News segment that aired the other morning, Battling Bullies in the Workplace, further confirmed my frustration with the literature and advice out there on dealing with a workplace bully, so much so that I literally just hopped out of the shower, only half scrubbed, to write. Words were pouring out of my head and onto the surrounding tile where they’d slip down the drain along with the water, and be of no use to me. Thanks ABC, you’ve succeeded in lighting a fire underneath me, and I am officially starting the blog I’ve been thinking of writing for months.

The segment featured Ruth Namie, PhD, co-founder of the Workplace Bullying Institute (which she runs with her husband, Gary Namie, PhD), an organization that recently released a very well-received and oft-quoted research study, indicating that some 57 million Americans, or four in ten people, are bullied at work. Namie indicated that her interest in bullying sparked from her own horrific experience being victimized by a bully, as did mine. The piece also featured Tory Johnson, ABC’s regularly appearing workplace correspondent, who provided advice, or tips on dealing with workplace bullies.

You see, any interaction between two people, whether one of love, friendship, immorality, or degradation, is, by nature, between two people. That means whether it’s a kiss from your lover at a romantic restaurant or a co-worker degrading your work in front of others, the context, and the two parties involved, are all very much a part of the occurrence. There are no innocent bystanders in communication interactions.

The question isn’t what to do; it’s how to do it. How does someone "confront" the bully? Where do they learn the skills?
Victims of workplace bullying are victims of workplace bullying because of past events and personality traits. That means victims were likely bullied as a child in school, and are shy, lack confidence, lack conflict management skills, or are unable to communicate their side of a debate, allowing the bully the ability to “push” on them without fighting back.

In exactly the same way, workplace bullies are workplace bullies because of past events and personality traits. They were bullies as children in school, and they learned it from their parents, who also bullied them or other adults. Bullies also have a high threshold for negativity, so they don’t see their actions as negative, and have been identified as narcissists, Type A personalities, lacking in the ability to make their point in an argument, motivated by aggression, and socially excluded individuals seeking revenge. My most recent research also indicated they bully because the organizational environment seems to permit it.

My point here is that it seems the trend in the workplace bullying discourse is to tell victims they are helpless. “It’s okay you poor pathetic victim,” it says, “It’s not your fault.” Well bull shit. Victims aren’t victims; they are people that can change their situation by learning how to do just that.

We are a result of the choices we make, life doesn’t just pass us by, and we are active participants in it. Reactions and reactive thinking, instead of conscious action and choice making, are what perpetuate the paradigm currently ruling the literature out there on workplace bullying. I am making my pledge, here and now, to bring to light some of the real, actual, and attainable tips to communicating with competence, passion and leadership, the key to ending your victimization. I will provide readers with exercises, success stories, and real information they can use to beat the bully - and we will call this “Strategic Resistance."

Remember that you are not an innocent bystander who happened to be in the way of a tyrannical co-worker or manager as he barreled down the hall like the WB’s Tasmanian Devil cartoon character. Communication is a two-way-street, making the likelihood that you are a helpless victim very small. You are a communicator because you are a human, and I’m going to teach you how to understand your situation, and communicate appropriately within it. From there, it’s up to you to be pro-active, rather than reactive, and tame that ridiculous and self-worth seeking wild beast running around your office. You are not a helpless victim, you are a person with choices and the courage to overcome abuse.